Dear Andrew,

Dear Andrew,

I never understood when I would see birthday posts from mothers to their babies who they said “made them mommy.” I didn't know what that meant.
I understand now.

I didn’t know that you weren’t a mother until you became one. That sentence sounds so obvious, but I guess I always thought “mother” was written into my job description. I didn’t know it was more than a new job, more than a new identity even. I didn’t know it was written deeply in my soul, but still needed to be awakened. I didn’t know, either, that it was a process. I guess I thought as soon as you were in the world, I would instantly be “Mama.”

It wasn’t like that, though. It was so much harder, longer, exhausting, and SO MUCH SWEETER than I could have ever imagined.

You are one year old today! Half of me can’t believe it and the other half of me totally can.

This past year has been like nothing I’ve ever experienced before.

It’s been so hard. You have not been a good sleeper, little boy. With your daddy working a full-time, physically exhausting job, mama taking 18 hours of graduate courses, seeing clients for counseling, and carrying your baby sister in utero, less than 4 hours of sleep per night for 6 months straight is just not going to cut it. But that’s what we did. I spent many hours holding you and crying this past year. Crying from exhaustion. Crying from being overwhelmed.

And crying from knowing that I wouldn’t trade one single second of that exhaustion if it meant not having you. Crying from the toll it takes on one’s soul to love someone SO hard and SO much that they would literally and gladly endure sleep deprivation every night of their entire life just to know you. I love your daddy something fierce, baby boy, in fact, he’ll always be my number one earthly love. But I’ve found that a mother’s love is its own, unique brand.

It’s a different kind of love than any other one. It’s not the same love as a wife, daughter, or friend. It’s a soul-stretching, sanctifying, deeply purifying love --- that is HARD won.

With all the stress of this year – you having surgery at 11 weeks after spitting up literally every single ounce of a bottle for a month straight, and then us not being allowed to feed you for 3 days (don’t worry, you had an IV of nutrition, but your belly was empty and you let us know for 48 hours straight how unhappy you were about that), having to watch my tiny baby son get 5 STINKIN IV’s because they kept coming out of your tiny veins, and then battling a lactose allergy and terrible reflux, we’ve spent a lot of time this year adjusting, readjusting, researching, consulting, and adjusting again. With all of that stress, I must confess, some UGLY things came out of your mama.

I found deep levels of selfishness, quick tempers, the tendency to want to blame someone, anyone for the struggle I felt. Your poor daddy caught the brunt of most of it as I snipped and snapped my way through months of grumpy, tired feelings… but good news, son….your daddy…he’s the best of the best. He loves your mom in a way that makes us both safe. We are the luckiest people to have him. J But as I saw this selfishness, pride, anger, and even some resentment surface during this year, God was faithful to buff it out. He didn’t let it linger. Conviction came quickly – sometimes from one of your precious smiles. Just as I would be furious, frustrated, and about to burst at the seams, you would smile, or sigh softly in my ear, or nestle deeper into my chest. My heart would melt and break simultaneously.

When your sin is confronted with something that precious, it doesn’t stand a chance. I’ve slowly watched the rough corners of my pride, impatience, irritability, and selfishness get smoothed over. I’ve seen my desperate clinging to attempts at control, independence, and a “I can handle this by myself” attitude start to chip away. They’re not gone, unfortunately, but they’ve been buffed down quite a bit. I learned to stop complaining, to enjoy more, to savor more, to laugh more, and to love deeper. I’ve learned to accept help. I’ve learned to loosen my grip of control just a bit.

 I’ve learned more about the sufficiency of God’s grace over the last year than ever before. I’ve learned more about selfless love and servanthood, not just with you, but in my marriage with your daddy too. I’ve learned what that love described in 1 Corinthians 13 actually looks and feels like.

You not only made me mommy, you opened the door for me to become a better person and to know our God and Savior so much more as well.

Little boy, words will never be enough. Never enough to tell you what a blessing, a treasure, a gem you are to me. I will spend my whole life thanking God for the privilege of being your mom, the gift of being the one tasked with pointing you to Him. I pray every day that I won’t get in the way. I ask God constantly that as much as I love you, that the deepest aim of my love – you knowing HIM – be fulfilled. Whatever He calls you to do, I’m already praying to not get in the way. Whoever He’s molding you to be, I can’t wait to see.

Andrew, my love for you is as big as an earthly love can be, but it compares in NO way to how much HE loves you. Your daddy’s love for you is a rich and pure as an earthly father’s love can be, but it doesn’t even scratch the surface of the love of your heavenly father.

Get to know Him. Follow Him. We’ll be your support every step of the way.

To the little boy who made me mommy, thank you. Your tiny mouth, eyes, hands, and feet contain the most joyous laugh, the biggest looks of wonder, the most precious reaches and hugs, and the sweetest play times this world has ever known.

You’ve taught me about the worth and creation of God more than anything else in my life. I will always be in your corner. I will always fight for you. When life knocks you down, you’ll always have a safe place to run. This is my promise to you, Andrew, that this new, soul-deep, all-encompassing love of a mother that I’ve found will never fade, not ever a blip, not even a drop. It will only grow as you do.

You will appreciate that one day, I’m sure, but when I’m still smooching your cheeks when you’re 15 and trying to leave for the prom, you probably won’t be that crazy about it. Too bad. J My kisses, arms, hugs, prayers, support, and love aren’t going anywhere. Not for a second.

I love you, Andrew Heath Warren. You are a far greater gift than I ever knew to expect.

You are more precious than our vocabulary knows how to articulate. I’m so glad I get to be your mommy.

Happy birthday, baby.

Don’t mind those tears you see falling down my face – that’s just what happens when the love is too much for one body to contain. 

For Just A Little While

Today was hard.

Today, my baby turned one month old.
I had planned to take some cutesy one month pictures, but he had other ideas. From about 2:30 AM until 9:00 PM, we had a day of fussiness. Maybe it's a growth spurt, maybe it's a transition - all I know, is that it was hard. Nothing soothed him for more than a few minutes. He did nap, but ONLY if I held him the entire time.
I didn't brush my teeth, wash my face, or eat a bit of food until daddy got home from work around 4:30 pm.

I was exhausted. I was hangry. I had cried almost as much as Andrew. All I wanted was a few hours of peace. And I knew I wasn't going to get them, because this baby was not one I could give back to his parents - he was mine. As much as I love him, that thought made me feel stuck, and that made me feel anxious, and that made me feel guilty. And all of those things just wore me out.

But daddy came home and I got to eat, drink some coffee, and brush my teeth. My nerves settled, and I found myself smitten at the sight of that still fussing baby once again.

Then, I realized something wonderful.
As I leaned on the couch near 11 pm, skin to skin, patting and soothing and finally - finally - starting to see Andrew settle into sleep on my chest, I realized it.

For just a little while, we get to be his whole world.

 In that moment, all he knew was the comfort of my body, the beat of my heart, the feel of my hand rubbing his back. All he knew was the sweet forces of parental love and safety.
I was exhausted, so he could sleep.
I was twisted into a strange position, so he could be comfortable.
I was in charge of meeting his every need, so he could just be.
For just a little while, I get to create his world. And that means that for just a little while, I can allow that world to be safe, to be only sweet.

Because all too soon, he'll be making his own way in the world, and my control will lessen. Try as I may, I won't be able to make his world all safe. I won't be able to keep him from suffering. I won't be able to meet his every need. The burden, then, will be to teach him to suffer well, amd point him to the only One who can do these things. But for just a little while, God has given me that task. For this little time, I get to be the one who represents God's provision and care in His life. For just a little while, he doesn't have to know the burdens of living in a broken world. Because for just a little while, I can take that for him.

Suddenly, my exhaustion felt more like a gift than a burden. I get to bear this, so he doesn't have to. This is only my privilege for a little while..

Already, the privilege has lessened. In pregnancy, I bore it all. My body groaned, ached, stretched, and pulled in order to accommodate and provide his every need. Then, in labor, I bore hours of pain, so he could arrive safely. In those moments, it was all on me. Now, it's still mostly on us, his parents, but now he has to cry, now he has a role to play in having his needs met. Already my role has decreased, because it only lasts for a little while.

So, sweet baby, I'll take it. I'll bear the exhaustion, the discomfort, and the worry. You just rest, you just be. You cry and I'll fix it. You smile and I'll encourage it. You scream, I'll hold you tighter... Because for just a little while, I get to bear your burdens.

And now, that little while, seems all too sweet and all too short. So, for the sleepless nights and exhausting days of new parenthood, hold on, mama, for just a little while.

Pregnancy - A Series of Unexpected Lessons

So I kinda knew this whole journey through pregnancy would probably teach me a thing or two and stretch me (literally and metaphorically) in many ways. For one thing, I knew nothing about babies, even less about labor, and far less about being a mother. So, I've read books, taken classes, and pestered advice and perspective out of everyone who would listen.
I don't know if you ever feel "ready" to enter into parenthood, but I feel much more equipped than when I started this process. :) I can't wait to meet Andrew. I have a feeling it's going to blow my mind.
Those are the type of lessons I was expecting and things I knew I needed to learn, but I've been surprised at all the things I've learned that I never saw coming or at least never expected to be so big. These unexpected lessons have been my favorite, though, as they often end up being such a blessing to learn. Over the next few days, I plan to share some of these lessons with you and hope they bless you as well!

Lesson 1) It matters who you marry.

This is mainly to all my single sisters, but also a call-out to all my brothers. We all know it matters who we marry. In theory, we all know that waiting for a good spouse is worth it. However, our society has taught you that you are incomplete and your life is empty until you have a marriage. A) THIS IS NOT TRUE. I could write 17 blog posts on the fallacy of this thought, but I'll save that for another time.  :) For now, hear me tell you that your life is just as whole, just as full of opportunity, and just as capable of fulfilled joy as any married person's life. B) Even if it were true, this so-called "empty" life would be far better than a life bound to a less-than-stellar mate (because marriage is for life).

Good men are not a fairy tale. They are not a thing of the past. They are not all taken. They are out there and they are worth waiting for. Sister friend, please don't settle. Please don't.

Why? Because a happy and loving marriage is just the sweetest daily gift. I promise it's worth waiting for. I believe I have married the best man in the world and I am daily blown away by the gift of grace and sweetness God has given me through this man.
So, I wasn't surprised to find my appreciation for this daily gift shifting and growing in pregnancy, I was just surprised at the depth of which my understanding of the grace and beauty of God's gift of marriage has grown during pregnancy. It's a whole new level.
Why?
Well, for starters, when you're pregnant, you have..ahem..moments. :) Your hormones and entire body are shifting at a ridiculous pace. You live for two people while having to maintain the demands that were probably already too much for your own personal life...and you might break down a couple hundred times...hehe
This is not the time to have a disengaged husband. You need his arms, you need his ears. You don't need to be told to get over it. You need a man who's not afraid of your tears or your outbursts of frustration. *Not saying he can't have his own moments - he's human too, after all - but in general, a man who's not afraid or turned off by your moments.* You need a man that knows you, that knows how to talk to you in moments of breakdown, that knows how to help you laugh about it later (but not too soon!). You need a man that knows you.
You need a man who sends you to the chiropractor even when you think it would be easier to cancel the appointment. You need a man who wants to be at every doctor's visit, so he'll FaceTime in when he his work won't allow it. You need a man who talks to your belly, cares about the safety of the crib you're buying, and volunteers to clean the bathroom so you won't smell the fumes. You need a man who goes to birthing class with you and gives up carbs with you. You need a man who tells you how beautiful you are when your face and feet are swollen. You need a man who "can't even see" those stretch marks you're pointing out. ;) You need a man who is totally, completely bought into the process. You need a teammate.

A man that is fully committed to studying and knowing you for your entire life, to caring for and cherishing you, to finding you beautiful in your ugliest moments.
This doesn't come from your ability to be beautiful and agreeable all the time. None of us are capable of that. We're all broken. It comes from marrying a man committed to loving you and choosing your good for your whole life. THAT is a different caliber man. Wait for that.  He is worth waiting for, and sister, so are YOU.

*Side note here: I am, by no means, implying your man is utterly responsible for taking complete care of you during pregnancy or regular life. :) You're still a person. You're still responsible for you. The gift of a good mate is meant to be empowering - a partnership - not a caretaker. No man can be your Savior. No man can be your everything. To want that is unhealthy and will certainly result in massive disappointment, because *spoiler alert* the men I'm talking about are ALL human. ;) And you are just as responsible for loving him and walking with him as he is with you. So, no, he can't be everything, but he can be a delightful companion, walking hand in hand through life's transitions. A tuned-in, caring, invested spouse is the most powerful partnership I've encountered thus far - and I suspect that type of partnership only gets sweeter the more you walk together through life's adventures.

Another reason pregnancy has heightened my awareness that it matters who you marry. This is a biggie.
That man is about to be the daddy of your child.
That little precious, helpless, totally dependent human you've been carrying is about to enter the world - and he/she needs a daddy. She needs daddy's arms to cuddle her, to make her feel safe. He needs daddy's legs to chase him, his body to wrestle with him. He needs daddy's hands to clap for him, to tell him how proud daddy is of him. She needs daddy's words to tell her how precious and beautiful she is. She/he needs daddy's stability to give them the room to explore their new world. She/he needs mommy, but make no mistake, she/he needs a daddy. The man you marry or the man you have a baby with, that's his role. He's daddy.
There are not words enough to explain how grateful I am to be married to a man who I trust completely and find such delight in the thought that he will raise our son. If our Andrew turns out to be half the man his daddy is, I will dance with joy. I trust his character. I trust his prayers. I trust his attitude. I trust his willingness to give everything he has to the role of father just as he has done to his role of husband. I trust our family with my husband. Pregnancy is terrifying as I imagine taking on such a huge and wonderful role of parent. It's a whole lot easier and so much sweeter to know I've got a partner for life that I trust absolutely in the job. I can't imagine how terrifying it would be if I didn't.

It matters who you marry.

And listen carefully when I say this, friends. This post feels complicated to write - not because I don't mean every single word - but because I KNOW that none of this is anything I deserve. None of this is anything my husband deserves. We did our best to follow and honor God with our relationship, but we are nowhere near perfect. We are just as human and flawed as anyone else. Every day with this man is a reminder of God's grace. It feels more than undeserved. It feels downright scandalous that God has blessed me SO much when I have failed Him SO much. But that's the beautiful, ridiculous trade-off offered to us at the cross. Jesus paid the price, so God could pour the blessing on people who had no hope of attaining it on their own. Josh and I have something special, but we are not the cause of the special. This ridiculous gift of grace is the cause, and if these two sinners can have it, so can you.
Because it matters who you marry...not just to you, but to this God of such extravagant grace. It matters to Him. You matter to Him.

There is Sweetness in the Sad

Indulge me for a minute while I think about my big brother.

I'm supposed to be reading for class, and I have a million things to do..but I just want to chat about him for awhile...

He woud've been 27 today.

This is his last birthday - it was a good one as you can see :)

He only made it to 16, but today should've been 27.

With each passing year, his birthday gets a little less aggressively painful, but it always hurts. What I can't get out of my mind today is who he might be if he was still alive.
That Kenny Chesney song came to mind first thing this morning, and I've been pondering it since:

Who would you be?
I imagine you'd be married. I'd probably be an aunt by now - maybe 2 or 3 times. I totally would've been the best aunt! Even as a child I had dreamed of being an aunt. Aunt Amber. Has a nice ring :)
It started when Aunt Cindy sent me that surprise box of goodies for my 12th birthday. At 12 years old, I began planning what I would do for my own nieces/nephews one day.
And you would've been an excellent uncle to my children.   Uncle Russell. :) My heart floods a little just thinking that.

I think we would've been really good friends by now. We were weird,  ya know,  because we always liked each other. We were never those fighting siblings that couldn't stand to be in the same room. We were always friends.
I imagine adding some years, maturity, and memories to that would have resulted in a really sweet friendship by now.

Yes...some added maturity would certainly have strengthened the bond... ;)

Memories -  like our college graduations, first jobs, marriages (my speech at your rehearsal dinner totally would've made you cry), babies.
Memories we should've had. Memories we didn't get to have.

That's something I've learned. Death isn't a one-time loss. It's a loss of every memory you should have been a part of. That's why it never completely stops hurting. That's why time and space, while giving us room to heal, can never completely heal - because the loss transcends all the years you should've been there.

Because you died in high school, I can't help but look at your classmates and our friends. Sometimes I feel like everyone's grandmother because of how proud I am of everyone. Ha!
Our high school friends - they're grown now. We're all grown now. Some are teachers, some are farmers, some own businesses, some have moved, some are married, some are parents.  -- Some of our classmates even married each other(!) and had babies (!) and they're precious. :) It's so fun to see everyone's lives progressing.
There's a gap, though, where you should have been.

I wonder what you would've named your babies. I'm naming mine after you.
Russell Andrew Barnes, your first nephew will be named Andrew.
(side note: not pregnant)

I wonder what career path you would've chosen? Engineering? Navy Seal?
I bet engineering. I bet you'd be living somewhere like Memphis working in engineering. Maybe..

I bet you'd still go to the gym regularly, but I bet I would also be making fun of any slight tummy pudge your years had put on you. :)
I am certain I would be mercilessly reminding you that you were now only 3 years from 30. hehe

I miss you big brother. Deeply.
Usually this day brings all sorts of emotions. I usually resort to secondary emotions of anger and spend a while asking God why He took you? I usually feel a little desperate, like a caged animal, hostile and trapped.
Those, though, are all secondary emotions. I probably felt those rather than feeling the deep and penetrating sadness that mourns a loss, because I thought anger was easier than sadness.

But today, I simply miss you. I simply feel sad. And I'm surprised to find that it's kind of a sweet feeling - because I can't feel this sad without also feeling how much I love you. In that regard, my tears feel like a hug.

(I know right? We're adorable.)

In that regard, I am simultaneously mourning you and enjoying you - enjoying you much more than in years before when I all I allowed myself to feel was anger.

"You won't ever grieve if you never love. But to avoid grief means you will avoid love."

I feel the meaning of that quote so profoundly today. My grief is an overflow of love, and because that love will never diminish, the grief will always be present.
But that's okay. I can feel this sadness and this love -- and it's okay.
I think that means I'm getting stronger :)
Or really, I think it means I've finally started drawing from the right source of strength. I'm not mad at God anymore. Not once today did I offer up any sort of angry thoughts, prayers, or scorning towards Him. Instead I asked for His comfort and found rest in His love.

He loves you even more than I do, and because of Him, I can rest in your condition, your eternity. You're with Him.

So, I wonder who you'd be today if you were still on earth. I miss you and I mourn. But that's okay.
It really is. Because in the mourning, I'm wrapped in love - mine for you, God's for me, and God's for you.

Happy birthday, Russell

I love you

Dear Christian, Follow Jesus....

I've been thinking a lot lately about the overflowing, immeasurable ways God has blessed me in my last year and a half of being a student at NOBTS. While thinking of these blessings, I can't help but realize an alarming truth: I almost missed them.

I didn't want to come to New Orleans. That was NEVER in my plans. It took me long enough to surrender to God's call to go to seminary and sign up for a life in ministry. I had other plans - GOOD plans. I was going to be a physical therapist and use that position as a way to love on hurting families. I had been through several months of physical therapy and the support and love I received from my therapists blessed me tremendously. In fact, my physical therapy assistant, Kelly, was one of the first people I cried with when I found out my parents were divorcing. I wanted to do that for other people. It was a good plan.
But it wasn't God's plan.
Ah, and that makes all the difference. :)

So, I said yes to seminary, and promptly ignored New Orleans. I never even so much as looked at their catalog. I researched Southeastern, Southwestern, Southern seminaries, but not New Orleans. I imagined living in Kentucky and North Carolina, and Texas, but not New Orleans. New Orleans was scary and unsafe - and haven't you heard about the people down there - hello Mardi Gras? Bourbon St? One of the leading cities for murder a few years ago - oh, and hurricanes. Yeah. No thank you.

Josh wasn't really interested in New Orleans either. We were only dating when we first started researching seminaries, so we tried not to plan around each other just yet, but we were on the same page when it came to our lack of desire to live in New Orleans. We actually decided to stop discussing our seminary plans until and if we got engaged. We wanted to make sure we were listening to God's calling and not the preference of each other.

And something strange started happening. God started pointing me to New Orleans. LET ME TELL YOU HOW MUCH I HATED THAT! I denied it, resisted it, yelled "please NO" in my prayers! I did NOT want to go there! But the call was persistent, and God wouldn't let go.
Then came the night Josh proposed (SUPER sweet night, btw, find the story here). We started talking about the future, and he said, "I know this might be unexpected, but I really feel like God has been leading me to New Orleans for seminary." My mouth dropped open and I kinda blurted out, "Oh! Me too!"

And just like that, we were headed for New Orleans.

I still wasn't excited about it. I told people I was, but I was scared to death. The first few months of living here, if Josh left the apartment and went anywhere in the city, I spent the whole time praying for his safety - terrified he would be hurt while out in this terribly scary city. I was SO SCARED. ALL the time. It was incredibly uncomfortable.

But I started to see God's provision for us. I saw the way he always kept our bills paid - even when we couldn't find jobs at first. I saw Him provide OVER and BEYOND for our tuition needs. I saw Him anticipate medical bills and provide for them before we even knew we were sick. I saw Him bless us for no apparent reason at all. I began to understand God as my provider in ways I never knew before.

I was terribly homesick. I missed my mom and dad and friends. I still miss them :) but I've made such sweet, edifying friendships here. I've found people who speak honestly and lovingly to me. I've found a community that lives life like the church in Acts.

"Now the full number of those who believed were of one heart and soul, and no one said that any of the things that belonged to him was his own, but they had everything in common." Acts 4:32

This is practiced daily in my life. People give things (EXPENSIVE things like couches, beds, TVs) away - for FREE! Cars are shared, food is shared, and no one hordes their extra. It's beautiful. It's the way it was meant to be.

I also began to see people really living their lives together with Jesus always as the focal point. It was a pleasant surprise to learn that praying for each other is a common way of life here. Friends praised God with me in the victories, and carried me in prayer in the stressful times. God's love was put on display for me in such real and practical ways.

Then, God started this huge work in my life to bring about healing for wounds I didn't even know I carried. Through this process, I have come to know God as SO indescribably GOOD - really TRULY GOOD - BETTER than the worst my life has thrown at me. Knowing God this way is worth any discomfort the move here brought about.

Today, I'm writing this post after receiving yet another, God-given-for-no-special-reason-at-all blessing financially. I work full-time for the seminary now, as a recruiter. I now recruit people to come to the very place I said I would never go. How's that for God's sense of humor? ;) I just left a meeting during which our President, Dr. Kelley explained how God had provided for a budget shortfall we were facing this school year. It was a miracle and nothing less. God provided. HUGELY! And my view of God grew a little bit bigger.

I think that's my theme of this blog. Since following God's call to New Orleans, my view of God has grown and grown and grown and every time I think I can't be more amazed by Him, He blows my mind again.

So, I say to you:
Dear Christian,
Follow Jesus. Wherever He goes. Follow Him. It will be uncomfortable. At times it will be scary. You might not see how it can possibly work out, but follow Him. Getting to see God outside of your "box," getting to see Him care for you, provide for you, grow you - it's worth it all. He is worth it all.

I'd like to think I will always have this mentality, but I know me. I'm sure the next time Jesus calls me somewhere I don't want to go, I'll need a fresh reminder of this message myself - which is part of my motivation for writing this post. Dear future Amber, follow Jesus. Follow Him wherever He is calling. It's worth it. I promise. Remember how He came through. Remember the work He has done in your life. Follow Him.

I'll end this with a summary from Dr. Kelley a few months ago in chapel:

Following the Lord does not require so much courage as it does obedience. It's okay to be scared while you're being obedient. Obedience is actually synonymous with courage, because to follow obediently when you are scared looks an awful lot like courage.

Follow Jesus.
There is no better place to be than where the God of the universe is leading you.

What's GOOD about Goodbye?

I want to tell you about my brother. His name was Russell. He loved football and had a natural athletic ability that left me jealous on more than one occasion.

He loved hard work (I know that might  sound weird, but he did), loved his family, and most importantly, knew Jesus Christ as His Savior.

And on October 29, 2004, as a 16 year old, he died as a result of injuries sustained in a wreck on October 24, 2004.

9 years ago today.
9 years ago today, I did the hardest thing of my life. I stood at my brother's hospital bed, knowing the only thing keeping him "alive" was the ventilator. His brain had already stopped, his soul was already departed. But the gift of medical science allowed my family and I a few precious moments of the illusion of his presence, and we said our goodbyes. I still remember telling him he was my hero and thanking him for being the big brother that he was, for protecting me, for loving me. I remember hugging him. Specifically, I remember laying my head on his chest, hearing his heart beat and wishing with everything I had that I would feel his arms return my hug. I remember kissing him on the cheek - the top right of his cheek - above the tubes.

The rest of my family could tell you similar stories of their goodbyes. The hardest moments of our lives. I remember my parents broken words, the sound of tears in their voices, and most clearly, I remember the unnatural strength I saw in them. I remember the dilemma we all felt, when the goodbyes were all spoken, and the only thing left to do was leave. But, we had to leave without him. He wasn't coming with us.

I remember the goodbye - like it was yesterday. Sometimes that's all it feels like - yesterday.

The reality of missing someone you love that much never really goes away, but the anniversary of Russell's death has lost some of its sting over the years. The stabbing, unbearable shocks of pain are now replaced with an underlying, kinda pulsating pain - a bearable pain - a pain that still allows you to function, to smile, to be happy. But it's still pain. The deepest hurt of this human life is that at some point, it must end. The ending isn't the hard part, though, it's the carrying on for all those who didn't end that's the hardest.

But here's the thing, I'm not angry about it. I'm not devastated.
If you want to know the truth, I'm thankful more than anything.

 I wasn't at first. When someone dies, people always say to "be thankful to God for the time you had."  Well let me tell you something, when you first lose someone, the "time you had" only seems like a cruel and painful tease - like it was given to you only to be ripped away. It doesn't seem like something you're thankful for.
I hated being told to be thankful. I wasn't thankful. I was hurt. HURT BAD.

It was in these moments of hurt and anger though, that I ultimately asked the question that led to the correct answer. At first, after Russell died, I just tried not to feel anything. I suppressed it all. This doesn't work, in case you're wondering. You have to feel it. It won't just go away.
Finally, when I got sad enough and angry enough, I asked the question of God that I had been trying to ignore - the question that went against all the ways I thought I was supposed to act during this time. "What the heck is there to be thankful for to YOU anyway, God?! YOU could've stopped this. YOU could've found another way.  YOU say you're GOOD, this doesn't seem GOOD..YOU...You...."and then I mostly trailed off into the tears of heartbreak too heavy for words.

Wanna know something I've learned? This is important :
God doesn't mind this honesty. God doesn't mind these questions. In fact, He'd much rather you bring this to Him - honest and real, broken and hurt - than to smile and say "God is good" while you're secretly suffocating under the pain. Wanna know something else? Even if you don't verbalize it or ask it, God already knows you're thinking it - so what's the point of hiding?

I say that simply, but it took me years - YEARS - and a lot of  tears and a lot of counseling to realize.

So, I asked God these questions, and I found my reason to be thankful. Today, even as I cried over the loss of Russell, my heart was thanking God.
Why?
Because long before Russell lived or died, God made a way for Russell to know Him.
Long before Russell lived, God knew his life story. Long before Russell was born, God put in place a plan of salvation that would allow Russell to be rescued from death and become a child of God.

See, when God created the world, it was a GOOD thing. He created man and woman, Adam and Eve, and it was a masterpiece of a creation! Then, evil entered the world, and the devil in the form of a serpent tempted Adam and Eve to disobey God. Adam and Eve were living in the Garden of Eden and God had given them dominion over every living thing in the garden. He only forbid Adam and Eve to eat from one tree - the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, and through their disobedience, sin entered the world. This is known as the Fall - the point in time when humans no longer had direct access to God.
God is holy. He cannot be in the presence of sin. Sin is the opposite of God, so sinful humans no longer had communion with God.
The Bible tells us that everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.(Romans 3:23)
 Everyone. Me. You. Russell.
The Bible also tells us that the punishment for sin is death. You see, a holy God can't NOT punish sin. If God is good, he must deal with evil. The only appropriate punishment for evil is death. The death I mean here is a spiritual death - an eternity apart from God - hell. Everyone dies a physical death, the real concern is what happens after you die -that's eternity.

But here's the good news. The GOOD news.
"For God so loved the world that He sent His only Son, Jesus, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16
God sent His son, Jesus, to live a perfect life on earth. Jesus never sinned. Not once. Not ever. But he was killed on a cross as the substitute for God's wrath over sin. All of the wrath that we would face for our sin was placed on Jesus on the cross.
"God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that in Him we might become the righteousness of God."
-2 Corinthians 5:21
God made a way for us, while we were sinners, to be forgiven, to be His children - to be redeemed.
( Important side note: There's a lot of talk in the world right now about different religions all leading to the same place - like, who cares if you worship Buddha or Alla, they all get you to heaven. This is a dangerous and terribly wrong way of thinking. The Bible says that Jesus is THE way, THE truth, and THE life. No one comes to the Father except through Him. - John 14:6
It's a dangerous and dark lie to preach anything other than Jesus. I couldn't pretend I cared about you and tell you such a lie. I fully believe Jesus is the ONLY way to a relationship with God, the ONLY way to heaven. )
And God is a good God. A loving God. A God that made a way for you to be His forever.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
-Romans 5:8

So, Jesus died, as the ultimate sacrifice for sin. But He didn't stay dead. Jesus defeated death and sin once for all and rose again! He is alive now and seated at the right hand of God in heaven - our living Savior!

God made a way and sent a rescue. Jesus. As John 3:16 told us, anyone that would believe on and in Jesus as His personal Lord and Savior - asking Him to be Lord of His life, acknowledging and admitting that he is a sinner and has no hope apart from Jesus, can be saved. Saved from eternal separation from God, and instead, becoming a child of God.

Russell knew this and surrendered his life to follow Jesus when he was younger. He didn't die a sinner. He died saved. He died ready for eternity.

This. THIS is why I am thankful today. Because my big brother that I said goodbye to in that hospital bed, is no longer hurt, no longer trapped in a physical body - he's free. He's with Jesus. He's. WITH. JESUS.

Wow.... :)
As part of me mourns my loss today, the other part of me praises God unceasingly for providing this hope - for making a way of redemption.
HOW could I make it without Him?
I don't think I could. Without Jesus, this story has no hope. Without Jesus, it's a tragedy. Without Jesus, there is no victory. It's only loss. Only sad.

But WITH Jesus.....well, that changes everything.

"We do not want you to be uniformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep (physically dead), so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope. Since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, in the same way God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep through Jesus...For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the archangel's voice, and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first." - 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, 16

Dear Miley,

Everyone, by now, has at least heard about what went down at the VMA's the other night with Miley Cyrus' performance.
I, like everyone else, was initially shocked and disgusted and a little angry. I think these are pretty typical reactions judging from the tweets, statuses, and blurbs that have gone up about the event. The more I've thought about it, though, there are some other things I'd like to say to Miley:

 Dear Miley,

   I wish I was your friend. I wish I could've been a true friend, being there while you were picking your costume for the VMAs and telling you, "No. You're worth more than that." I wish I could've been there for you during all the drama you've faced with your parents. I wish I could've been there to encourage you that your Hannah Montana identity would eventually fade and you could evolve into a "grown-up" artist in a classy and sophisticated way. I wish I could've been there to encourage your patience when the producers and music industry were telling you the only way out of your Disney ID was to break out so ferociously. I wish I could've been  a voice of truth for you while the world was screaming at you to sell-out.
   
     I'm sure you're having mixed feelings about the VMAs right now. Part of you probably has a "HA! hate all you want, you're still talking about me. I'm a nationally trending subject right now." victorious "bite me" attitude going on. I imagine another part of you is feeling very defensive right now - wanting to point out all the mistakes of the ones hating on you - after all, nobody's perfect, right? Buried deeper than these feelings though, I'd be willing to bet there's a part of you that feels very sad right now - very hollow and very cheap.

Why? Because you did what the world screamed for you to do and then looked around and found out that people are overcome with joy at pointing fingers at you. Many of the same people who cheered you on are now calling you disgusting. You're finding that the approval of people is a fickle thing to build your life on. One day it's there, the next it's not.
More than that, though, I believe there's a little girl heart somewhere in you that hurts deeply. There's a little Miley dreaming of being a singer - or maybe you dreamed of being a teacher or a scientist or the president - either way, I'd bet a million dollars you never dreamed you would put on a performance like the other night. There's still a little girl heart in you that wants Daddy to pick you up, snuggle you close and tell you you're the prettiest little girl in the world. There's a little girl heart that had big dreams, knew lots of love, and knew innocence. And that little girl heart has been trampled and stomped and beat up on by an unforgiving, sex-obsessed, jeering world for years.

The world screamed at you that your little girl dreams were rubbish. After so much time, a little girl can only take so much. So, she retreats, hides the innocence and dreams and trades them for a "big girl" smile and a "screw-you" attitude - a mask. Here's the problem with that little girl, though. She never quits longing for someone to love her in that same little girl innocence. Her needs never go away. They just get stifled. Her heart might "grow up" and become a little colder, but underneath the layers, it's still just as vulnerable, just as needy.

These are some pretty big assumptions I'm making. How can I be so sure? Because I'm a girl too. I went through the stage of having my innocent little girl heart exposed to the world. The world is not kind to innocence. It's scary. It hurts. Every girl that has ever transitioned from dreaming about being a princess to settling for a job waiting tables has felt the same sting. The real world can crush a vulnerable heart.
Thankfully, in my situation, I had loving parents and adults to walk me through that time - helping me navigate the hurts and the bumps - keeping my head on about where my identity comes from and how valuable I am.
Even more importantly, these adults pointed me to my heavenly Father that poured out more than enough love and grace to get me through the tough times.

I didn't escape without battle scars. Eating disorders, tears, anxiety, cutting - these were all part of my life. My little girl heart was spit on by the world too, but I had people there to hug me when I cried. I had Jesus there to give me fresh start - new mercy every morning. So, I came through it much wiser - no longer blissfully ignorant, but able to keep a large part of my innocent little girl heart in tact.
I know too many girls who didn't have this experience. Just because they're not on a stage with a foam finger doesn't mean they don't cry out for attention in equally shocking ways. There's a LOT of broken little girl hearts walking around this planet. They seek love and approval - mostly from guys - because we DESPERATELY long to be somebody's princess.
Don't believe me? Why do you think movies like Twilight are such a hit? Bella is Edward's (and Jacob's) everything. Why are love songs so popular? They sing about a girl that a guy can't live without. Check out Tumblr and Pinterest - you'll find thousands of posts from girls about being loved and understood.

Every single girl has a deep, hungry longing to be loved, noticed, approved.
The truth is, if many of us were in your shoes, Miley, we would've ended up doing the exact same thing.

The sadder truth is that the girls walking around with broken hearts will never find what they're looking for. They might find a man that loves them (Miley has Liam), but unless they find the God of the world that sent His only son, Jesus, to save and redeem them, they'll never find the true love they seek. The longing for approval and need for love we all experience was given to us by our Creator, so we would search for Him, find Him, and have that need eternally met.
The world is full of distractions though, and certainly, none of those distractions are pointing to Jesus.

There's good news, Miley. You're still worth it. You're of immeasurable value in the eyes of God. He sent His Son to die for you too. Nothing you ever do could change that. He still wants that relationship with you. He still wants to show you love you've never known before. He's got open arms.

I sincerely pray you'll find that one day. I hope you meet Jesus. I hope you find that love.
I know the odds of you ever actually reading this are pretty tiny :) but there are other "Mileys" out there with the same broken heart that just might read it. For all you other girls, I get it. I'm a girl too. I know what you're looking for, and I've found it.
It's not located in the trends, the guys, the approval, the attention, the sex, the sweetest love songs, or anything else this world points you to. It's found only in Jesus Christ, who paid the price for our sin on the cross so we might know a true love relationship with the God of this world.
I pray you find it too.

With love,
from one little girl's heart to another

There was another girl with a story like Miley's....we called her Britney.

"Oy With the Poodles Already!"

 Well, it's that time again. Back to school again. :)

aren't these cute? :) Wish I was this talented...

Back to school days are always a little exciting. As much as I hate homework and late night studying, I love the excitement that fills campus when everyone returns from the summer. Also, as much as I might complain about it, I love learning. I don't necessarily love assignments and tests, but I love learning new things - especially, being at seminary, learning new things about my Savior! 

This year, though, I'm starting school with a little extra anxiety, because for the first time ever I will attempt to be a full-time graduate student and a full-time employee. Working out a class schedule to fit this was no easy feat, but my professors and some members of administration were incredibly helpful to me and we were able to get it worked out. I'm really excited about what the year holds, but also quite stressed - already! 

Registration for classes ended Friday and I was still scrambling to figure out how this was all going to work then. I started looking at my work schedule with one of our three biggest projects of the year coming up in October, the events I'll be responsible for helping plan on campus for our women's ministry program, my full-time class schedule, 40 hour work week, Baptist Collegiate Ministry events with Josh (husband, for any new friends reading this), and involvement with a local ministry in the city, not to mention being a wife and caring for my home and husband and one phrase popped out of my mouth.........

Oy with the poodles already!!

Yes. That is literally what I said when overcome with anxious stress. :) I didn't make this phrase up. It came from the recesses of my memory banks from a habit of watching Gilmore Girls:

(and I was quite thankful for it at the time, because in the midst of my stress, realizing this was my reaction made me giggle)

It's a good phrase if you ask me.

Anyway, that phrase seems to sum up basically how I feel about the upcoming season of life. I'm excited to see how this semester unfolds and looking forward to the opportunities ahead even if I do just want hide under my covers some days.  I believe God will do some stretching and growing in me over the next few weeks. I'm sure it will be uncomfortable at times, but I'm also sure it will be worth it in the end.

So, in keeping with the "Learning to Dance" theme of this blog (you can find more about that here), it appears for this semester, I will be learning to dance something like this:

Nothing like a good library jam session :) Now who's coming with me?

What if all I had to offer my marriage was.....me?

I'm sure the title of this post has you wondering what on earth I'm talking about :)
Don't worry, I'm not suggesting polygamy or anything like that!
Rather, this is about something the Lord has been teaching me recently that has me SO excited about HIS work in my marriage, and so humbled about my contributions to my marriage.

This past Sunday, our Associate Pastor, Ronald, preached on Psalm 51. Our Associate Pastor is also our music minister, and since the Psalms are written as songs, it was really cool to hear this sermon from his perspective. He really helped dig into the background of the Psalm and the way it would've been used in the days of the Bible.
If you're not familiar with Psalm 51, you can read it here. (For the sake of space, I won't post all of the scripture here, but will provide links to each part of scripture I address if you would like to read it).

As you can probably tell from reading the Psalm, the author is confessing some grievous sin and begging God for His mercy. That author is King David (the same one who took down Goliath - you can find that story here). Ronald pointed out that though we have this heroic account of David and Goliath, we also have a very disturbing account of David later on in which he sees a woman bathing on a roof, takes her (though she is married to another man- Uriah the Hittite, who was an officer of David's army), sleeps with her, and she becomes pregnant. David tries to cover his tracks and ultimately has the woman's husband murdered. (Find the full story here.)
So, in Psalm 51, we have David's prayer and plea to God for mercy. Ronald did a great job of unpacking each verse and really digging into the depths of the Psalm. I wish I could give you a repeat of the whole sermon, but I don't have the space for that :)
For this post, I want to focus on what God really spoke to me about through this sermon. Ronald explored the guilt and the crushing burden David is feeling in this Psalm and the way he pleads with God to be merciful to him. David acknowledges that he has sinned, but there's something peculiar in the way he acknowledges it. Verses 3 & 4 say:

For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is ever before me.

 Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight,

so that you may be justified in your words

and blameless in your judgment.

What does David mean when he says, "Against you and you only, have I sinned?" He certainly sinned against Bathsheba (the woman bathing), Uriah (her husband), the many people he lied to in this ordeal, and the soldiers he endangered and had killed in order to cover his tracks. 

Ronald helped unpack this confusing notion by explaining that David's intention here was not to dismiss the damage he had done or the hurt he had caused by his sin. Rather, David realizes that as big and painful, damaging and offensive as his sin was to the people involved, it was EVEN MORE offensive to God. 

Why?

Because God is the one who set the laws in place that would've kept David from lust, murder, idolatry, lying etc. God established that order, and David chose to ignore that. David was basically saying, "I don't CARE what you say, God. I'm doing what I want, because I want to." David rejected God for what he wanted. Ultimately, this is what every sin does, and as Ronald pointed out, this is why every sin ultimately puts us in a place of judgement before God. 

THIS is why Jesus Christ is our necessary Savior. When we sin, WE OFFEND GOD.  That's a big deal. Offending God. The God of the universe. The God who is responsible for your life. And because God is just, He HAS to deal with that sin. He can't just "let it go." What would you think if a judge knew someone had committed a horrific crime, but decided to just let that person go free without punishment. Would you consider that judge to be good? Of course not! Justice has to be served in order for the judge to be good. God is a good judge, which is why He must punish sin. The punishment for sin, though, is death and eternal separation from God (which is what Hell is). So, in order that we might be free to live in communion with God, He sent His son, Jesus to live and die as the perfect sacrifice for us. Jesus, on the cross, took the punishment for our sin - allowing us to live forgiven and free, loved and under mercy rather than under wrath from God if we will confess Jesus as our Lord and Savior and follow Him. (This does not, of course, give us a license to just do whatever we want. Having Jesus as Savior means having Him is Lord. Having Him as Lord means our lives are devoted to Him - enjoying Him means we no longer enjoy sin for the sake of sin.)

Soooo what does all of this have to do with my marriage as the title suggested this post would be about? Well, as Ronald was teaching on this passage, God began to show me a startling reality. If it weren't for Jesus, then Psalm 51 would be a VERY hopeless passage - every confession, every plea for mercy would be left unanswered. My sin would not be washed from me. I would not be clean. I would be stuck in the filth I brought on myself from my sin - and my marriage would be stuck with the sin I bring into it.

What if I didn't have God working in me and through me, washing me, cleansing me. What if every selfish thought, every time I dishonored or disrespected my husband was just left to sit in my marriage. What if every offense went un-forgiven?

I got kind of a mental picture in my head as I imagined this. Imagine marriage as a tea bag being steeped in the lives of two people. (So, the lives of the two people are the water to steep the tea bag in). What if every time Josh or I sinned, the water got dirtier. What if there was no way for the water to be clean again? What if every sin I brought into my marriage STAYED there? What if my marriage was constantly being steeped in dirtier and dirtier water?

What if Josh and I didn't forgive each other? What if we didn't show grace? What if we didn't serve each other? What if we didn't even really know how to love each other?

Sure, we might keep up good attitudes and good times together for awhile, but what about when things got hard and we just didn't have the energy or the will to do that anymore....what if our only hope for a healthy marriage was us?
Any of you that are newly married have certainly had at least one couple that's been married for several years roll their eyes at you and your new spouse when you're especially loving towards each other and say, "ha...just give it few years...you won't be so lovey dovey then..."

First of all, if you're one of these couples that says things like that to newlyweds, do everyone a favor and HUSH. Regardless of what you think, that's not helping anyone. So, just....be quiet.

Secondly, I know SEVERAL married couples that have been married for decades that are still over the moon for each other. There's a pattern to these couples - they love Jesus more than each other. They've learned how to love each other by getting to know the One who gave love its name. They've learned to serve by getting to know the One who became the lowliest servant.

*Now, I am WELL aware that sometimes life throws circumstances that can just break people apart and break families apart. My motive here is not to point fingers or judge anyone. My own family (immediate and extended) has seen its fair share of divorce and tough times. Please don't think I am pointing fingers and don't feel the need to explain yourself to me :) I'm imperfect. very. I have no room to judge.
I'm also not looking to point to divorce and call it an unforgiveable sin either. It is a sin, but God's grace is still bigger and his forgiveness still stronger.
I am, however, submitting that there is a better way to do marriage than America has been doing lately. I don't think any of us would argue with that point with divorce rates among Americans at over 50%.

I know me. I know my selfish tendencies, my insecurities, my sinful nature. I know I would wreak havoc if the only thing I had to offer my husband was me...
But the good news is that I have so much more to offer. I have Jesus Christ living in and through me - teaching me to love, convicting me of sin, showing me grace.
There have been several times since Josh and I first started dating that I would get frustrated or annoyed and want to act on those feelings. There have been times I felt like just staying mad or accusing Josh of wrongdoing. But suddenly, this conviction would come that maybe, just maybe, I was at fault too? or maybe I just needed to forgive and show grace in that moment.
That's the Holy Spirit - that's not me choosing to be a "good person." I know this, because if left to myself, I'm gonna choose me and selfishness every time. Straight up, real talk.
But I've got a God who loves me, chose me, died for me, and taught me what true love looks like that is in my heart and head constantly - instructing me how to love and strengthening me with His love when I'm weak.

The only way to truly love someone is to know what true love is. God spelled that out for us in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends

I don't know about you - but I know that left to myself, more times than not, I'm not going to practice this type of love. I'm much more prone to be irritable and arrogant, resentful and rude. Thankfully, though, the God that inspired these words sent His spirit to live and work within me. It is because of Him that I can offer real love to Josh. It is because of Him that I can choose to serve Josh and make his needs a priority over mine. It's because of Him that my marriage even has a chance.
And all of this is because Jesus came and took the punishment for my sin - that I might be clean, that I might have "new mercies every morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23).

Without Jesus, my marriage is just two sinful people with selfish natures trying to live together forever. I just don't see that working for very long....Sure there are a few exceptions out there, but with a divorce rate of over 50% I think the majority speaks for itself...
It's very humbling to realize that if it were just left up to me, I'd probably ruin my marriage..
With Jesus, though, there's hope. There's victory. There's love that never ends.

and that's something worth dancing about :)

Healing in the "Thank You"

It's been a  crazy past couple of years.
I graduated college, got married, moved to New Orleans, started seminary, got my first full-time job...lots of big life events.
They've been amazing. Truly. It's been a wonderful ride. I have been blessed beyond blessing. I could count the blessings for days!

But in the midst of the blessing, it's also been hard.
It's not really that my present circumstances have been hard, rather that God has been dealing with me and some past hurts that have yet to heal.
You see, my tendency when things are hard or painful is to stuff them away in the back of my life and pretend they're not there. This works for a little while, but I'm finally learning that things WILL NOT just go away. The only way out of them is through them. That means feeling unpleasant feelings, facing unpleasant realities, and allowing them to hurt. That's no fun. But it's real.

And you wanna know something funny about marriage? It makes you realize who you are. Why? Because all the little justifications you allow yourself or all the feelings you ignore are noticed by your spouse. Suddenly you can't just dismiss an emotion, because your spouse sees it play across your face and asks you about it. Suddenly you have to explain the way you're thinking or feeling and saying it out loud makes you realize how off-base it is....then you have to face that.
It's a blessing, really, this oneness of marriage. It's a scary intimacy to have someone suddenly a part of the pieces of your thoughts and feelings that have always only been your's. It can be annoying, honestly, when all you want is to dismiss or push away any unpleasant feeling, but now someone else knows about it and that makes it "real." That makes you have to acknowledge it.

So what am I even talking about?
Well, I'm talking about the massive healing operation God embarked on with me this year. Long story short, I came to seminary quite burned-out on church. *Gasp* Burned out on church?!? I know I know...am I even allowed to say that? I'm going into the ministry with my husband! :)
But yes, I was. Senior year of college had many wonderful moments. It also had many difficult moments - specifically with ministry in mind. Some of it was due to circumstances beyond my control, but much of it was due to the legalistic mindset I had adopted.

Along my journey in college, I learned a LOT about seeking and serving God - and  I took that knowledge and made it into rules. I had rules for me and everyone I knew. If we weren't living up to them, then shame on us! This caused me to be pretty judgmental of others at times, but I was never so harsh with anyone as I was myself. I gave myself no mercy, no room for imperfection. I knew better than what I was doing for goodness sake! What was my deal?!

So, you can imagine that coming to seminary seemed a very heavy load to me - more rules? I can't handle that! Thankfully, God placed some AMAZING people in our path here. People who quickly got to know me and minister to me in grace. People who didn't seem to be bound by rules, but seemed REALLY free. This started to wear at some of the callouses on my heart. Our first semester in seminary was so refreshing, so good, so much a breath of fresh air.

and of course....satan couldn't have that!
I believe God allowed satan to attack me spiritually, emotionally because I had some walls that needed breaking down.
Issues I thought were long ago dealt with came blaring into my life - wounds inflicted by people in my life, my parent's divorce, the fear I constantly struggled with as a result of losing my brother and knowing none of my loved ones were promised tomorrow, anger I didn't know I had, and an unhealthy mindset concerning food that manifested itself in various forms of disordered eating (whether that meant completely not eating or being addicted to food - I've done both) that I'd dealt with for years. Suddenly, these things were front and center and I was feeling all of it.

Soooooo I did what I always do - ran from it! At least I tried to....God didn't let me, though. I feel like He reached deep within me, pulled this junk out, and said, "Let's deal with this, because it's time for healing." It was rather miserable for awhile there. But God had a plan and a rescue mission was underway. He sent people to love on me, listen to me, pray for me, but I think the biggest thing He did was show me that none of those people could actually heal me. For that, I would have to go to Him.

I was afraid to go to Him, though. For so long I had "messed up" and "not kept the rules" that I was SURE He was disgusted with me. I had even begun to wonder if I was actually saved - actually His daughter. THAT is a miserable feeling.

Finally, He brought me to a point of being on my knees, confessing every sin I knew, including the eating disorder taking the role of an idol in my life. For the first time in a lonnnnnng time, I didn't try to "pretty it up" or justify the sins. I just laid them out there - agreeing with God that they were sins - acknowledging they were ugly - acknowledging that without Him, I was ugly. Then, I asked Him if I was indeed His daughter - even after all of my running and pushing Him away and messing up...Was I His?

He answered in that soul-speak way of His, so clearly I couldn't have missed it. He called me daughter. He called me His princess. Jesus covered all that dirty sinfulness and God called me daughter. I GOT TO BE HIS DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Realizing that despite my ugliest moments, the truth of what Jesus did on the cross and His saving work in my life was still true for me and always would be -REALLY realizing that being God's daughter had NOTHING to do with my ability to be "good enough" changed so much about everything else I believed to be true. The hurt and anger I'd felt looked different now. The wounds didn't cut as deep. The eating disorder that had ruled my thought life for YEARS seemed so much smaller. In light of the cross, in light of the reality that because of Jesus's saving work, I got to be God's daughter - LOVED completely by Him....everything else seemed so much smaller. Hope flooded in where despair had been, Grace oozed into the places emptied by condemnation and judgement, Life took over the deadness that came from living under the rules and the "trying so hard", and Joy just moved in and camped out all over the place.

The reality of the cross changed all of my other realities.
JESUS changes everything. He really does. I've seen it with my own eyes. If you have never experienced this, my deepest prayer is that you will.

I've learned God is Good. GOOD enough to be better than the worst this world has to offer. Truly, completely, GOOD. all. the. time.

Now, this doesn't mean life is suddenly perfect. I still live in a fallen world with broken people (myself included). A 10-year eating disorder doesn't disappear overnight, and the reality is that I've had things in my life that HURT. Here's what God's been teaching me recently though - there's healing in thanking Him.

There's healing in looking for HIM in the midst of the hurts and struggles. There's SUCH hope and healing that comes from seeing something painful and looking for the way God has been GOOD despite it or in the midst of it. The song, "Bless the Lord" by Matt Redman speaks of the reality that no matter what's going on, there's still 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord at any given moment.
Josh and I heard a sermon by a church member, Joe McKeever, this past weekend in which he spoke on the truth found in Habbakuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree should not blossom,

nor fruit be on the vines,

the produce of the olive fail

and the fields yield no food,

the flock be cut off from the fold

and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord;

I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

God, the Lord, is my strength;

He makes my feet like the deer's;

He makes me tread on my high places.

Brother Joe spoke on the truth that no matter what's going on in life, we still have a God who loves us, who sent His Son to die for us, and because of His son's work on the cross, we can be declared righteous, so that we might have a relationship with HIM - our loving, all-powerful Father and Creator of the universe. 

There's something healing in looking for that truth in life's worst circumstances. There's something healing in saying "Thank You" to our God for this reality, even when life's temporary circumstances aren't ideal. There's healing in the "Thank You."

Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts speaks to this effect as well, as she chronicles her own journey of healing by making lists of things she's thankful for. 

I started this practice as well, but have altered it slightly. My list is now 1,000 reasons to praise. This is causing me to not only be thankful for my temporary blessings, but causing me to look intensely for what God is up to in every circumstance. And when I can't seem to find Him in a situation, it's causing me to dig in His word for reasons to praise Him no matter what's going on.

So, I'm finding there's healing in the "Thank You"

because when you constantly search for the reasons to thank, you constantly find a God worth thanking.

Dear "Future Amber" - A Letter About Your Marriage

Today marks one year of marriage to Josh :) It's been the BEST being married to this man! One year, 365 days,...it feels like yesterday! (You can see pictures of our wedding day here.)
365 days of having a sleep-over with my best friend
365 days of not having to say "goodbye" as he leaves to go to his own house
365 days of saying "hello" when we come home to each other
365 days of thanking God He let me have this man to call "husband"
365 days of blessing.

I wanted to write a blog about the joys of marriage or the lessons of marriage or just something to commemorate this first year's milestone...The more I thought about it, I decided I would just write a blog to myself...a reminder to "future me" of the blessings I've received through marriage and a warning to not take them for granted if "future me's" life gets busy and she forgets to be grateful. So...

Dear future Amber,
   You've been married one year on the day you're writing this. You're overwhelmed at what a good year it has been with this husband of your's. The first thing  I want you to pause and reflect on is what a gem this boy is. :) All the qualities you hoped for and prayed for in a husband....God blew them out of the water!! Take a minute and praise God for this GOOD gift He has given you. Thank Him for providing a husband that you know you are safe with. Thank Him for a husband that doesn't consider divorce an option. Ever. Thank Him for the security that gives you to be vulnerable, to be real, to be fully known and fully accepted.
  Thank Him for the way Josh seeks to serve you and demonstrate God's love to you. Thank Him that Josh gives you a clearer picture of the way God, Himself, loves you. Thank Him for coming through on His promise that if you would let Him have control of your love life, He would far exceed your expectations. Thank Him that so many younger girls have told you that they've made Josh their standard for a husband after seeing the way he loves you and loves Jesus even more. PRAISE HIM for that!! Praise Him for using your marriage to glorify Him, rather than satan using it to destroy lives. Thank Him for His power and the knowledge that HE is the reason your marriage works. It is His faithfulness that allows you and Josh to be faithful. Never forget that. Always remain dependent on the Lord's power and not your's or Josh's.
 
Also, never forget the things that are causing you to be so in love with Josh right now. It's your responsibility to keep these things in mind, to focus on the wonderful about him and let the negative take the back seat.

Don't take for granted the way he actively looks for ways to serve you -
-the way he does the dishes when you have to work all day
-the way he takes care of the cars and makes sure the tires are rotated, the oil changed, etc
-the way he makes the bed even though he could care less, but he does it because you like it
- the way he lets you pick the TV shows so often, even if it means he has to watch "Gilmore Girls" for the 80th time
-the way he offers to help anytime there's an event or something to prepare for
-the way he offers to help you cook
-the way he asks how your day was and honestly wants to know
-the way he notices and thanks you for working, cleaning, cooking, etc.
-the way he keeps a watchful eye on finances and is always planning, making sure bills are paid etc

Never take for granted the way he showers love all over your life and your families' lives:
-the way he never forgets a family member's birthday
-the way he prays for your families every night
-the way he makes sure to call parents, grandparents, etc on their birthday
-the way he "likes" and takes interest in the posts of your families on Facebook, just to make sure we're all in touch
-the way he sacrificed a summer trip to Missouri to go to Wisconsin for a week to meet your cousins from Washington for the first time

Always appreciate the way He makes Jesus and you his top priority in every circumstance:
-the way he loves to tell people about Jesus
-the passion he has for college students and leading them to Christ/ encouraging them on their walks
-how excited he gets about corporate worship times and  a good/deep sermon
-how he's not afraid to turn down a church/work obligation if he feels the two of you need some together-time more
-the way he loves to include you in his ministry
-the way he values your partnership

Always always appreciate the ways he steers your marriage to focus on Christ:
-the way he prays with you every night before bed
-the way he nudges and urges both of you out of bed in time for church every Sunday
-the way he takes time each week to ask you "where you are" in your walk with Christ
-the way he listens when you answer that question
-the way he is always seeking to learn the best ways to encourage your relationship with Christ
-the way he is always seeking to further his own relationship with Christ

Never take for granted the little moments of friendship that make up your daily lives:
-the way you quote movie lines in conversations and both laugh because you understand the reference
-the painstaking way he taught you this "skill" by quizzing you on movie quotes with yall's invented "Name that Movie" game
-the way you both still love to play that game
-the way you sing (usually badly on purpose) random lines of a song to each other in random moments throughout the day..."I love you baaaabbbyyyy...."
-the way this habit ended up with yall discovering "our song"  found below :)

-the way you found a love of jazz/easy listening music since being married to Josh
-the way you love to listen to him sing in the shower
-the way you laugh hysterically at episodes of  "The Office" that you've both seen a million times
-the way watching "Dumb & Dumber" with him makes you laugh 30x harder than if you watched it alone
-the way he sends you funny Whatsapp messages (usually involving the smiling poop emoticon)
- the way it's safe for you both to have your immature, completely silly moments together ^

And the mundane moments where nothing special is happening, nothing exciting...just day-to-day life as usual...those moments, when it's just nice that he's there doing the mundane with you.

And finally,
never take for granted the ways he seeks to let you know how much you're loved:
-the random flowers that pop up on special occasions and on "just because" days
-the way he calls you beautiful at least 12 times a day :) EVEN when you just wake up - true love right there, sister, and we both know it, cause 6:00 AM does NOT look good on us :)
-the way he hugs you and tickles your hand or grabs your knee, because his love language is physical touch
-the times you catch him staring and ask "what?" and he shrugs and says, "I just like looking at you."
-the way he writes you sweet notes affirming you and his love for you
-the way he considers weekly date nights as much of a priority as anything else on his schedule
Notice these moments. Don't let them become commonplace. These are moments to treasure. Never get so busy that you don't have time to simply enjoy these moments.

It's important to remember and notice all of these things. Don't take them for granted. They aren't "rights," they are gifts - gifts of marriage that need to be protected, remembered, kindled. It's your responsibility to cherish them. It's also your responsibility to let your sweet husband know you appreciate them, know you respect him, know how thankful you are for him. Never assume he just knows these things. TELL HIM. SHOW HIM. Be his first and biggest cheerleader! He is your man! Be thankful for him and let him know how thankful you are.

You've got a great husband, and the best best  friend you can imagine. Don't take a moment of this union for granted. It's too sweet to let it go to waste. Fight for the romance of your marriage. When kids come and schedules get busy, do what it takes to get some alone time. Budget for date nights. Keep them a priority. Guard your marriage and always keep Josh as your second love (right under God).

This marriage is a gift, a great gift. With it comes huge blessings, and huge responsibilities. Give it all you've got. Even in the times when you might feel like you're getting nothing in return. God is faithful. He loves to bless His children. Be faithful in your marriage. He will be faithful to cultivate it.
Never stop looking for the blessings in your marriage. Keep a thankful heart. Satan will hate this. He WILL attack.
Don't lose heart. God always wins.

Now, go kiss your husband and remind him how incredibly blessed you are to be his wife :)

When Good Isn't Good Enough

I think I have the tendency to write about God like I've got it all figured out. In reality, I'm still learning...and I have a LOT left to learn. I don't want to write from the standpoint of one who has it figured out.
I'd rather be honest.
In fact, one thing I learned this week is WHY  I might have this tendency to write this way:

My pastor's wife, Terri, posted this article, 1 Thing Your Daughter Doesn't Need You to Say, on Facebook a few weeks ago and while reading it I felt like I was gulping huge thirsty gulps from water I never knew I needed.

Take a minute and read that article.....I'll wait :)

Back? Good...so how about this part of the article:

 "And when she hears adults tell her to be an example, she thinks that means she can never mess up, can never have problems, can never just be a teenager with struggles like everyone else.

She might then mature into a woman who believes being a Christian means having it all together, saying all the “right” things, staying a few steps above everyone else.

She may become a person people look up to, but she will never be someone they can relate to.

She may be successful at managing her behavior, but she will always struggle to manage people’s opinions.

She may have a great reputation, but her character will be clouded with bitterness and anger.

She may be a good church-goer, but she will not know how to be a good friend.

This may keep her out of trouble, but it will suffocate her soul.

.....She already is a light in a dark place, but here is the part most of us forget when we’re telling our teenagers to be an example:

Her light comes from Jesus, not from her awesome behavior."

I believe I was just handed a mirror and saw my reflection more clearly than ever before.

I can't remember my parents actually ever telling me anything other than to be myself and that I was loved just as I was.

So, I don't know who spoke the message, but I definitely heard it. Be good. Be consistent. Smile. Christians should be happy. Don't struggle. Don't doubt. If you doubt, what's that going to look like to non-believers. SHOW CHRIST. They are all watching you.

Yeeesh. What's a Jesus-loving-"good-girl" to do? Well, she smiles and volunteers a lot, she doesn't complain about her life, she makes straight "A's", joins lots of clubs, becomes an officer in those clubs, plays sports, stays busy, leads numerous Bible studies, attends every Bible study offered, every youth retreat, college retreat, and leads in every D-NOW. She has a lot of fun, in all honesty, but all that fun is constantly accompanied by all the pressure.

Then...she burns out.

Somewhere I became convinced that if I struggled that same way as everyone else, then how on earth would people know that I was different because of Jesus? I thought being "set apart" (2 Corinthians 6:17) meant that I had to showcase nothing but the joy of the Lord at all times - after all, I didn't want God to appear over-hyped. I wanted to be the light in the dark places. 

I don't think I understood that the light was not a result of my behavior - but of God, Himself.

2 Corinthians 12:9 started to make more sense to me: "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I believed God's grace was sufficient for me, but I don't think I had truly grasped what that meant. I thought sufficient grace meant something like, "God is good enough and big enough that even during the worst times of my life, I should still be able to showcase His goodness through my joy and victorious outlook." I think I'm realizing though, that the sufficiency of God's grace means that even in my worst, darkest, ugliest moments, HIS grace and goodness is big enough to cover what I lack. He is good enough and big enough to showcase His glory and goodness, to overcome me and my situation and show He is good and He is God - and because HE is sufficient to do so, the responsibility of His glory being on display is not dependent upon my ability to keep smiling.

The reality is that God is enough to handle our biggest weaknesses. In his book, Dug Down Deep, Joshua Harris puts it this way:

"God is utterly different from me, and that is utterly wonderful. The fact that He's NOT like us is the reason we can run to Him for rescue."

Isaiah 55:8-9 says,
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts your thoughts."

God is not like us. He is strong. He's unchanging. His love is steadfast. (Psalm 136:1) He is full of mercy and He does what we would never do. He dies for His enemies. (Romans 5:8)"

When I'm not strong, He is. When I'm inconsistent, He's faithful. When I'm unlovable, He's loving. When I'm guilty, He's merciful. When I fall short, He is sufficient.

He is sufficient for me, because I could never be sufficient for Him. He is far too holy for my measly attempts at "being good" to count for anything. It is only His grace and the saving work of Christ on the cross that declare me sufficient.

I love this reality. I love it so much!

I must be honest, though, I'm still learning this. I'm having to remember this every single day. My tendency is to lean so much more on my ability to be good than on God's ability to be God, but I've tasted this reality and I just want more of it.

I want to see and know and understand so much deeper His role of Savior, Redeemer, and GOD in my life - enough of my attempts to be "good enough", I'm ready to celebrate HIS goodness and the sufficiency of HIM.

Ahhh...that sounds like a dance waiting to happen :)

via

So, reader friends, don't read this post as one written by an expert - read it as one just learning - My light comes from Jesus, not from me writing or living like I know it all.

"I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, 13 though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, 14 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. 17 To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."

1 Timothy 1:12-17