What's GOOD about Goodbye?

I want to tell you about my brother. His name was Russell. He loved football and had a natural athletic ability that left me jealous on more than one occasion.

He loved hard work (I know that might  sound weird, but he did), loved his family, and most importantly, knew Jesus Christ as His Savior.

And on October 29, 2004, as a 16 year old, he died as a result of injuries sustained in a wreck on October 24, 2004.

9 years ago today.
9 years ago today, I did the hardest thing of my life. I stood at my brother's hospital bed, knowing the only thing keeping him "alive" was the ventilator. His brain had already stopped, his soul was already departed. But the gift of medical science allowed my family and I a few precious moments of the illusion of his presence, and we said our goodbyes. I still remember telling him he was my hero and thanking him for being the big brother that he was, for protecting me, for loving me. I remember hugging him. Specifically, I remember laying my head on his chest, hearing his heart beat and wishing with everything I had that I would feel his arms return my hug. I remember kissing him on the cheek - the top right of his cheek - above the tubes.

The rest of my family could tell you similar stories of their goodbyes. The hardest moments of our lives. I remember my parents broken words, the sound of tears in their voices, and most clearly, I remember the unnatural strength I saw in them. I remember the dilemma we all felt, when the goodbyes were all spoken, and the only thing left to do was leave. But, we had to leave without him. He wasn't coming with us.

I remember the goodbye - like it was yesterday. Sometimes that's all it feels like - yesterday.

The reality of missing someone you love that much never really goes away, but the anniversary of Russell's death has lost some of its sting over the years. The stabbing, unbearable shocks of pain are now replaced with an underlying, kinda pulsating pain - a bearable pain - a pain that still allows you to function, to smile, to be happy. But it's still pain. The deepest hurt of this human life is that at some point, it must end. The ending isn't the hard part, though, it's the carrying on for all those who didn't end that's the hardest.

But here's the thing, I'm not angry about it. I'm not devastated.
If you want to know the truth, I'm thankful more than anything.

 I wasn't at first. When someone dies, people always say to "be thankful to God for the time you had."  Well let me tell you something, when you first lose someone, the "time you had" only seems like a cruel and painful tease - like it was given to you only to be ripped away. It doesn't seem like something you're thankful for.
I hated being told to be thankful. I wasn't thankful. I was hurt. HURT BAD.

It was in these moments of hurt and anger though, that I ultimately asked the question that led to the correct answer. At first, after Russell died, I just tried not to feel anything. I suppressed it all. This doesn't work, in case you're wondering. You have to feel it. It won't just go away.
Finally, when I got sad enough and angry enough, I asked the question of God that I had been trying to ignore - the question that went against all the ways I thought I was supposed to act during this time. "What the heck is there to be thankful for to YOU anyway, God?! YOU could've stopped this. YOU could've found another way.  YOU say you're GOOD, this doesn't seem GOOD..YOU...You...."and then I mostly trailed off into the tears of heartbreak too heavy for words.

Wanna know something I've learned? This is important :
God doesn't mind this honesty. God doesn't mind these questions. In fact, He'd much rather you bring this to Him - honest and real, broken and hurt - than to smile and say "God is good" while you're secretly suffocating under the pain. Wanna know something else? Even if you don't verbalize it or ask it, God already knows you're thinking it - so what's the point of hiding?

I say that simply, but it took me years - YEARS - and a lot of  tears and a lot of counseling to realize.

So, I asked God these questions, and I found my reason to be thankful. Today, even as I cried over the loss of Russell, my heart was thanking God.
Why?
Because long before Russell lived or died, God made a way for Russell to know Him.
Long before Russell lived, God knew his life story. Long before Russell was born, God put in place a plan of salvation that would allow Russell to be rescued from death and become a child of God.

See, when God created the world, it was a GOOD thing. He created man and woman, Adam and Eve, and it was a masterpiece of a creation! Then, evil entered the world, and the devil in the form of a serpent tempted Adam and Eve to disobey God. Adam and Eve were living in the Garden of Eden and God had given them dominion over every living thing in the garden. He only forbid Adam and Eve to eat from one tree - the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, and through their disobedience, sin entered the world. This is known as the Fall - the point in time when humans no longer had direct access to God.
God is holy. He cannot be in the presence of sin. Sin is the opposite of God, so sinful humans no longer had communion with God.
The Bible tells us that everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.(Romans 3:23)
 Everyone. Me. You. Russell.
The Bible also tells us that the punishment for sin is death. You see, a holy God can't NOT punish sin. If God is good, he must deal with evil. The only appropriate punishment for evil is death. The death I mean here is a spiritual death - an eternity apart from God - hell. Everyone dies a physical death, the real concern is what happens after you die -that's eternity.

But here's the good news. The GOOD news.
"For God so loved the world that He sent His only Son, Jesus, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16
God sent His son, Jesus, to live a perfect life on earth. Jesus never sinned. Not once. Not ever. But he was killed on a cross as the substitute for God's wrath over sin. All of the wrath that we would face for our sin was placed on Jesus on the cross.
"God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that in Him we might become the righteousness of God."
-2 Corinthians 5:21
God made a way for us, while we were sinners, to be forgiven, to be His children - to be redeemed.
( Important side note: There's a lot of talk in the world right now about different religions all leading to the same place - like, who cares if you worship Buddha or Alla, they all get you to heaven. This is a dangerous and terribly wrong way of thinking. The Bible says that Jesus is THE way, THE truth, and THE life. No one comes to the Father except through Him. - John 14:6
It's a dangerous and dark lie to preach anything other than Jesus. I couldn't pretend I cared about you and tell you such a lie. I fully believe Jesus is the ONLY way to a relationship with God, the ONLY way to heaven. )
And God is a good God. A loving God. A God that made a way for you to be His forever.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
-Romans 5:8

So, Jesus died, as the ultimate sacrifice for sin. But He didn't stay dead. Jesus defeated death and sin once for all and rose again! He is alive now and seated at the right hand of God in heaven - our living Savior!

God made a way and sent a rescue. Jesus. As John 3:16 told us, anyone that would believe on and in Jesus as His personal Lord and Savior - asking Him to be Lord of His life, acknowledging and admitting that he is a sinner and has no hope apart from Jesus, can be saved. Saved from eternal separation from God, and instead, becoming a child of God.

Russell knew this and surrendered his life to follow Jesus when he was younger. He didn't die a sinner. He died saved. He died ready for eternity.

This. THIS is why I am thankful today. Because my big brother that I said goodbye to in that hospital bed, is no longer hurt, no longer trapped in a physical body - he's free. He's with Jesus. He's. WITH. JESUS.

Wow.... :)
As part of me mourns my loss today, the other part of me praises God unceasingly for providing this hope - for making a way of redemption.
HOW could I make it without Him?
I don't think I could. Without Jesus, this story has no hope. Without Jesus, it's a tragedy. Without Jesus, there is no victory. It's only loss. Only sad.

But WITH Jesus.....well, that changes everything.

"We do not want you to be uniformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep (physically dead), so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope. Since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, in the same way God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep through Jesus...For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the archangel's voice, and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first." - 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, 16

What if all I had to offer my marriage was.....me?

I'm sure the title of this post has you wondering what on earth I'm talking about :)
Don't worry, I'm not suggesting polygamy or anything like that!
Rather, this is about something the Lord has been teaching me recently that has me SO excited about HIS work in my marriage, and so humbled about my contributions to my marriage.

This past Sunday, our Associate Pastor, Ronald, preached on Psalm 51. Our Associate Pastor is also our music minister, and since the Psalms are written as songs, it was really cool to hear this sermon from his perspective. He really helped dig into the background of the Psalm and the way it would've been used in the days of the Bible.
If you're not familiar with Psalm 51, you can read it here. (For the sake of space, I won't post all of the scripture here, but will provide links to each part of scripture I address if you would like to read it).

As you can probably tell from reading the Psalm, the author is confessing some grievous sin and begging God for His mercy. That author is King David (the same one who took down Goliath - you can find that story here). Ronald pointed out that though we have this heroic account of David and Goliath, we also have a very disturbing account of David later on in which he sees a woman bathing on a roof, takes her (though she is married to another man- Uriah the Hittite, who was an officer of David's army), sleeps with her, and she becomes pregnant. David tries to cover his tracks and ultimately has the woman's husband murdered. (Find the full story here.)
So, in Psalm 51, we have David's prayer and plea to God for mercy. Ronald did a great job of unpacking each verse and really digging into the depths of the Psalm. I wish I could give you a repeat of the whole sermon, but I don't have the space for that :)
For this post, I want to focus on what God really spoke to me about through this sermon. Ronald explored the guilt and the crushing burden David is feeling in this Psalm and the way he pleads with God to be merciful to him. David acknowledges that he has sinned, but there's something peculiar in the way he acknowledges it. Verses 3 & 4 say:

For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is ever before me.

 Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight,

so that you may be justified in your words

and blameless in your judgment.

What does David mean when he says, "Against you and you only, have I sinned?" He certainly sinned against Bathsheba (the woman bathing), Uriah (her husband), the many people he lied to in this ordeal, and the soldiers he endangered and had killed in order to cover his tracks. 

Ronald helped unpack this confusing notion by explaining that David's intention here was not to dismiss the damage he had done or the hurt he had caused by his sin. Rather, David realizes that as big and painful, damaging and offensive as his sin was to the people involved, it was EVEN MORE offensive to God. 

Why?

Because God is the one who set the laws in place that would've kept David from lust, murder, idolatry, lying etc. God established that order, and David chose to ignore that. David was basically saying, "I don't CARE what you say, God. I'm doing what I want, because I want to." David rejected God for what he wanted. Ultimately, this is what every sin does, and as Ronald pointed out, this is why every sin ultimately puts us in a place of judgement before God. 

THIS is why Jesus Christ is our necessary Savior. When we sin, WE OFFEND GOD.  That's a big deal. Offending God. The God of the universe. The God who is responsible for your life. And because God is just, He HAS to deal with that sin. He can't just "let it go." What would you think if a judge knew someone had committed a horrific crime, but decided to just let that person go free without punishment. Would you consider that judge to be good? Of course not! Justice has to be served in order for the judge to be good. God is a good judge, which is why He must punish sin. The punishment for sin, though, is death and eternal separation from God (which is what Hell is). So, in order that we might be free to live in communion with God, He sent His son, Jesus to live and die as the perfect sacrifice for us. Jesus, on the cross, took the punishment for our sin - allowing us to live forgiven and free, loved and under mercy rather than under wrath from God if we will confess Jesus as our Lord and Savior and follow Him. (This does not, of course, give us a license to just do whatever we want. Having Jesus as Savior means having Him is Lord. Having Him as Lord means our lives are devoted to Him - enjoying Him means we no longer enjoy sin for the sake of sin.)

Soooo what does all of this have to do with my marriage as the title suggested this post would be about? Well, as Ronald was teaching on this passage, God began to show me a startling reality. If it weren't for Jesus, then Psalm 51 would be a VERY hopeless passage - every confession, every plea for mercy would be left unanswered. My sin would not be washed from me. I would not be clean. I would be stuck in the filth I brought on myself from my sin - and my marriage would be stuck with the sin I bring into it.

What if I didn't have God working in me and through me, washing me, cleansing me. What if every selfish thought, every time I dishonored or disrespected my husband was just left to sit in my marriage. What if every offense went un-forgiven?

I got kind of a mental picture in my head as I imagined this. Imagine marriage as a tea bag being steeped in the lives of two people. (So, the lives of the two people are the water to steep the tea bag in). What if every time Josh or I sinned, the water got dirtier. What if there was no way for the water to be clean again? What if every sin I brought into my marriage STAYED there? What if my marriage was constantly being steeped in dirtier and dirtier water?

What if Josh and I didn't forgive each other? What if we didn't show grace? What if we didn't serve each other? What if we didn't even really know how to love each other?

Sure, we might keep up good attitudes and good times together for awhile, but what about when things got hard and we just didn't have the energy or the will to do that anymore....what if our only hope for a healthy marriage was us?
Any of you that are newly married have certainly had at least one couple that's been married for several years roll their eyes at you and your new spouse when you're especially loving towards each other and say, "ha...just give it few years...you won't be so lovey dovey then..."

First of all, if you're one of these couples that says things like that to newlyweds, do everyone a favor and HUSH. Regardless of what you think, that's not helping anyone. So, just....be quiet.

Secondly, I know SEVERAL married couples that have been married for decades that are still over the moon for each other. There's a pattern to these couples - they love Jesus more than each other. They've learned how to love each other by getting to know the One who gave love its name. They've learned to serve by getting to know the One who became the lowliest servant.

*Now, I am WELL aware that sometimes life throws circumstances that can just break people apart and break families apart. My motive here is not to point fingers or judge anyone. My own family (immediate and extended) has seen its fair share of divorce and tough times. Please don't think I am pointing fingers and don't feel the need to explain yourself to me :) I'm imperfect. very. I have no room to judge.
I'm also not looking to point to divorce and call it an unforgiveable sin either. It is a sin, but God's grace is still bigger and his forgiveness still stronger.
I am, however, submitting that there is a better way to do marriage than America has been doing lately. I don't think any of us would argue with that point with divorce rates among Americans at over 50%.

I know me. I know my selfish tendencies, my insecurities, my sinful nature. I know I would wreak havoc if the only thing I had to offer my husband was me...
But the good news is that I have so much more to offer. I have Jesus Christ living in and through me - teaching me to love, convicting me of sin, showing me grace.
There have been several times since Josh and I first started dating that I would get frustrated or annoyed and want to act on those feelings. There have been times I felt like just staying mad or accusing Josh of wrongdoing. But suddenly, this conviction would come that maybe, just maybe, I was at fault too? or maybe I just needed to forgive and show grace in that moment.
That's the Holy Spirit - that's not me choosing to be a "good person." I know this, because if left to myself, I'm gonna choose me and selfishness every time. Straight up, real talk.
But I've got a God who loves me, chose me, died for me, and taught me what true love looks like that is in my heart and head constantly - instructing me how to love and strengthening me with His love when I'm weak.

The only way to truly love someone is to know what true love is. God spelled that out for us in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends

I don't know about you - but I know that left to myself, more times than not, I'm not going to practice this type of love. I'm much more prone to be irritable and arrogant, resentful and rude. Thankfully, though, the God that inspired these words sent His spirit to live and work within me. It is because of Him that I can offer real love to Josh. It is because of Him that I can choose to serve Josh and make his needs a priority over mine. It's because of Him that my marriage even has a chance.
And all of this is because Jesus came and took the punishment for my sin - that I might be clean, that I might have "new mercies every morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23).

Without Jesus, my marriage is just two sinful people with selfish natures trying to live together forever. I just don't see that working for very long....Sure there are a few exceptions out there, but with a divorce rate of over 50% I think the majority speaks for itself...
It's very humbling to realize that if it were just left up to me, I'd probably ruin my marriage..
With Jesus, though, there's hope. There's victory. There's love that never ends.

and that's something worth dancing about :)

When Everything Changed...

   
       I've been a Christian since I was 7. I clearly remember asking Jesus to be my Savior. I clearly remember KNOWING in that moment that I was now different. I went on to grow up in church settings where I learned a lot about God and theology. I learned a lot of Christian lingo and led a lot of Bible studies. I was always a leader in the church circles. Then I went to college. I joined the Baptist Student Union and learned even more about the Lord.

However, it was at college that my faith was incredibly challenged. I met people who disagreed with my beliefs and posed questions I had never considered. I had WAY more doubts than I was comfortable with, and I realized I didn't know how to answer a lot of them.
Still, I was certain of at least one thing - God had saved me - I couldn't explain the in's and out's of every detail of my faith, but I couldn't un-explain the night I met Jesus either. The result was that I kept clinging to Jesus, but my grip loosened. I didn't know how to address my doubts, so I ignored them. When you ignore thoughts about Jesus, though, you have to ignore Him a bit too -because He tends to want to discuss these things.
So, my walk with the Lord became more of a limp, but He still took care of me and guided me to the most wonderful husband (who would become a prayer warrior for me in my confusion and hurt) and a clear call for us to start seminary.

I have learned a lot in seminary. Mainly, I learned that I was missing something. I didn't have a rock-solid foundation. In the Bible, James describes it like this: "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind" (James 1:6).
"Tossed like the wind" was a very accurate description of what I felt like. My faith and confidence in God was not steadfast or unwavering like 2 Corinthians 15:58 described. Instead it felt more like a frustrating, confusing roller-coaster. Then, something dangerous happened....I stopped trusting God..... I'm not sure when exactly this happened. It crept in slowly... When I didn't take my doubts to the source for clarification, they started to take over. Soon, I was far from living in a victorious Christ-exalting life, I was drowning in fear and worry, and I was angry at God.

While I had previously trusted in His promises that "He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28), I now wondered why He had "dropped the ball" and let such hurt enter my life. My brother died when he was 16 in a tragic car accident. I was 14 at the time. About 7 months later, my parents divorced. Needless to say, it was not a good time in my life. Even during the worst of the hurt, though, I still trusted that God had a plan for a greater good. Now, I wondered, if He was the "healer" described in the Gospels then why was I still walking around scarred? Sure, the pain had lessened, but I didn't feel "healed." It still felt like more of a loss than a victory of the Lord.

All I knew was that I had endured agonizing pain and I never wanted to face that again - especially since it didn't seem that the healing that was promised was all that "complete." It seemed to me that God's healing abilities were greatly over-hyped. This terrified me. I became incredibly fearful of any sort of loss or pain like that happening again. I was particularly terrified that God would take my new husband from me. I angrily told God that would be a really terrible thing to do and tried to convince Him through my tear-filled rants that I didn't care how great of a plan he might have or what His plans might be for our lives. He couldn't have my husband, and that's all I had to say about that. Of course, I knew God was God and there was nothing I could do to actually control whether or not my husband was safe and alive or not. This only served to make me even more terrified and resentful of God's control.

I didn't trust Him. Plain and simple. I acknowledged that in my own heart, but I didn't believe anything would change it. I never doubted Him as God. I just doubted His ability and desire to care for me.
However, one of the biggest blessings of going to seminary has been the incredible community we've found here. I started meeting people with a love and trust for the Lord that I had never seen before. They weren't loud and obnoxious about their relationship with Him, but they were so secure. I met people who spoke with confidence about Him; people who seemed so...restful.
I wanted that rest. I wanted it BAD. So, I started to ask God if I was missing something, and if I was, please show me.

 Good news: He likes to answer prayers like that. :)
Slowly, subtly, He started poking truth through the lies I had been believing. It was a slow, almost unnoticeable process at first. One of the biggest steps, though, came at the end of this semester. For one of my classes, we had one-on-one meetings with the professor as part of our final requirements for the class. I took what I considered to be a huge risk and was honest with the professor about my walk with the Lord (rather than pretending I had it all under control - which is what I usually do). Blake (officially, Dr. Newsom, but he lets us call him Blake) quickly pinpointed the problem it took me over a year to figure out - I didn't trust God.

Blake spoke truth and wisdom to me while never making me feel ashamed for the hurt and confusion I felt, and he closed our meeting with a prayer.
A prayer God heard and used. He prayed verses over me about God caring for the grass, the sparrows, and me much more (Matthew 6:26-30) and then he prayed something I'll never forget. He asked that God would show Himself to me as the Good Father and that I would know that He would not hurt me..... He would not hurt me.....He. would. not. hurt. me.

Those words rolled around in my head for 2 weeks. I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't settle into my brain, so I finally asked God. He immediately revealed the problem that had plagued me for years: It turned out I had a wrong view of God in one of the most fundamental ways.
My mindset was that God could and would, perhaps, hurt me. After all, he let my brother die. That hurt. He let my parents divorce. That hurt. I didn't understand how a God who promised to take care of me could allow such hurt.
 I never consciously thought this, it was more of subconscious thought pattern underlying everything else I believed about God. I don't think I always thought this way, but maybe that thought pattern crept in in the midst of those unresolved doubts.

However, in that moment, God revealed (or maybe reminded me of) a truth I desperately needed to know.

A simple, life-changing truth - He's the GOOD guy. Always. Constantly. No matter what.
He. is. GOOD.

The hurt in this world is not directly a result of God.
Yes, He is absolutely sovereign. Yes, He has control. Yes, His plan always prevails. But the reason death is in this world is not because God likes to take people away or doesn't care that it hurts those left behind. Death is a result of the fall. Death is a result of sin. Hurt is a result of sin. When Adam and Eve first sinned in the Garden of Eden, sin entered the world and death claimed its territory. Since then, the world has been broken and always will be.
Here's the good news, though. Here's the reason I can trust God.
Jesus has ALREADY righted that which wounds us the deepest. Death is the most painful of wounds, and JESUS ALREADY DEFEATED IT. He defeated our greatest despair. He took death's power.
He lived a perfect life as a perfect sacrifice and died as an innocent man on the cross as a substitute for the wrath of God towards sin which results in death. He took our hurt before we even knew it hurt us. He took our hurt while we yelled, "Crucify him!" He took our sin, filth, and pain to the cross and died in our place. Three days later, He defeated death forever when He rose from the grave. He took our deepest hurt and gave us hope. He took our death and gave us life.
He has already saved the day.
I prayed for years for God to take my hurt and heal it - I didn't realize He already had. Long before I was born, He bore my pain. 

This changed everything.
Everything.

Maybe it's because I grew up always hearing the story in church that the news of the gospel didn't resonate with me in this area for so long. Maybe I had let myself become numb to it. But in that moment, God revealed it to me like it was the first time I'd ever heard it...and this seminary student discovered the Gospel again. I came face-to-face with the true God - the one I had resisted for so long, and it blew me away.

The news is good, people....He has already won!
And there's NOTHING more dance-worthy than that!

Learning to dance,