There is Sweetness in the Sad

Indulge me for a minute while I think about my big brother.

I'm supposed to be reading for class, and I have a million things to do..but I just want to chat about him for awhile...

He woud've been 27 today.

This is his last birthday - it was a good one as you can see :)

He only made it to 16, but today should've been 27.

With each passing year, his birthday gets a little less aggressively painful, but it always hurts. What I can't get out of my mind today is who he might be if he was still alive.
That Kenny Chesney song came to mind first thing this morning, and I've been pondering it since:

Who would you be?
I imagine you'd be married. I'd probably be an aunt by now - maybe 2 or 3 times. I totally would've been the best aunt! Even as a child I had dreamed of being an aunt. Aunt Amber. Has a nice ring :)
It started when Aunt Cindy sent me that surprise box of goodies for my 12th birthday. At 12 years old, I began planning what I would do for my own nieces/nephews one day.
And you would've been an excellent uncle to my children.   Uncle Russell. :) My heart floods a little just thinking that.

I think we would've been really good friends by now. We were weird,  ya know,  because we always liked each other. We were never those fighting siblings that couldn't stand to be in the same room. We were always friends.
I imagine adding some years, maturity, and memories to that would have resulted in a really sweet friendship by now.

Yes...some added maturity would certainly have strengthened the bond... ;)

Memories -  like our college graduations, first jobs, marriages (my speech at your rehearsal dinner totally would've made you cry), babies.
Memories we should've had. Memories we didn't get to have.

That's something I've learned. Death isn't a one-time loss. It's a loss of every memory you should have been a part of. That's why it never completely stops hurting. That's why time and space, while giving us room to heal, can never completely heal - because the loss transcends all the years you should've been there.

Because you died in high school, I can't help but look at your classmates and our friends. Sometimes I feel like everyone's grandmother because of how proud I am of everyone. Ha!
Our high school friends - they're grown now. We're all grown now. Some are teachers, some are farmers, some own businesses, some have moved, some are married, some are parents.  -- Some of our classmates even married each other(!) and had babies (!) and they're precious. :) It's so fun to see everyone's lives progressing.
There's a gap, though, where you should have been.

I wonder what you would've named your babies. I'm naming mine after you.
Russell Andrew Barnes, your first nephew will be named Andrew.
(side note: not pregnant)

I wonder what career path you would've chosen? Engineering? Navy Seal?
I bet engineering. I bet you'd be living somewhere like Memphis working in engineering. Maybe..

I bet you'd still go to the gym regularly, but I bet I would also be making fun of any slight tummy pudge your years had put on you. :)
I am certain I would be mercilessly reminding you that you were now only 3 years from 30. hehe

I miss you big brother. Deeply.
Usually this day brings all sorts of emotions. I usually resort to secondary emotions of anger and spend a while asking God why He took you? I usually feel a little desperate, like a caged animal, hostile and trapped.
Those, though, are all secondary emotions. I probably felt those rather than feeling the deep and penetrating sadness that mourns a loss, because I thought anger was easier than sadness.

But today, I simply miss you. I simply feel sad. And I'm surprised to find that it's kind of a sweet feeling - because I can't feel this sad without also feeling how much I love you. In that regard, my tears feel like a hug.

(I know right? We're adorable.)

In that regard, I am simultaneously mourning you and enjoying you - enjoying you much more than in years before when I all I allowed myself to feel was anger.

"You won't ever grieve if you never love. But to avoid grief means you will avoid love."

I feel the meaning of that quote so profoundly today. My grief is an overflow of love, and because that love will never diminish, the grief will always be present.
But that's okay. I can feel this sadness and this love -- and it's okay.
I think that means I'm getting stronger :)
Or really, I think it means I've finally started drawing from the right source of strength. I'm not mad at God anymore. Not once today did I offer up any sort of angry thoughts, prayers, or scorning towards Him. Instead I asked for His comfort and found rest in His love.

He loves you even more than I do, and because of Him, I can rest in your condition, your eternity. You're with Him.

So, I wonder who you'd be today if you were still on earth. I miss you and I mourn. But that's okay.
It really is. Because in the mourning, I'm wrapped in love - mine for you, God's for me, and God's for you.

Happy birthday, Russell

I love you

What if all I had to offer my marriage was.....me?

I'm sure the title of this post has you wondering what on earth I'm talking about :)
Don't worry, I'm not suggesting polygamy or anything like that!
Rather, this is about something the Lord has been teaching me recently that has me SO excited about HIS work in my marriage, and so humbled about my contributions to my marriage.

This past Sunday, our Associate Pastor, Ronald, preached on Psalm 51. Our Associate Pastor is also our music minister, and since the Psalms are written as songs, it was really cool to hear this sermon from his perspective. He really helped dig into the background of the Psalm and the way it would've been used in the days of the Bible.
If you're not familiar with Psalm 51, you can read it here. (For the sake of space, I won't post all of the scripture here, but will provide links to each part of scripture I address if you would like to read it).

As you can probably tell from reading the Psalm, the author is confessing some grievous sin and begging God for His mercy. That author is King David (the same one who took down Goliath - you can find that story here). Ronald pointed out that though we have this heroic account of David and Goliath, we also have a very disturbing account of David later on in which he sees a woman bathing on a roof, takes her (though she is married to another man- Uriah the Hittite, who was an officer of David's army), sleeps with her, and she becomes pregnant. David tries to cover his tracks and ultimately has the woman's husband murdered. (Find the full story here.)
So, in Psalm 51, we have David's prayer and plea to God for mercy. Ronald did a great job of unpacking each verse and really digging into the depths of the Psalm. I wish I could give you a repeat of the whole sermon, but I don't have the space for that :)
For this post, I want to focus on what God really spoke to me about through this sermon. Ronald explored the guilt and the crushing burden David is feeling in this Psalm and the way he pleads with God to be merciful to him. David acknowledges that he has sinned, but there's something peculiar in the way he acknowledges it. Verses 3 & 4 say:

For I know my transgressions,

and my sin is ever before me.

 Against you, you only, have I sinned

and done what is evil in your sight,

so that you may be justified in your words

and blameless in your judgment.

What does David mean when he says, "Against you and you only, have I sinned?" He certainly sinned against Bathsheba (the woman bathing), Uriah (her husband), the many people he lied to in this ordeal, and the soldiers he endangered and had killed in order to cover his tracks. 

Ronald helped unpack this confusing notion by explaining that David's intention here was not to dismiss the damage he had done or the hurt he had caused by his sin. Rather, David realizes that as big and painful, damaging and offensive as his sin was to the people involved, it was EVEN MORE offensive to God. 

Why?

Because God is the one who set the laws in place that would've kept David from lust, murder, idolatry, lying etc. God established that order, and David chose to ignore that. David was basically saying, "I don't CARE what you say, God. I'm doing what I want, because I want to." David rejected God for what he wanted. Ultimately, this is what every sin does, and as Ronald pointed out, this is why every sin ultimately puts us in a place of judgement before God. 

THIS is why Jesus Christ is our necessary Savior. When we sin, WE OFFEND GOD.  That's a big deal. Offending God. The God of the universe. The God who is responsible for your life. And because God is just, He HAS to deal with that sin. He can't just "let it go." What would you think if a judge knew someone had committed a horrific crime, but decided to just let that person go free without punishment. Would you consider that judge to be good? Of course not! Justice has to be served in order for the judge to be good. God is a good judge, which is why He must punish sin. The punishment for sin, though, is death and eternal separation from God (which is what Hell is). So, in order that we might be free to live in communion with God, He sent His son, Jesus to live and die as the perfect sacrifice for us. Jesus, on the cross, took the punishment for our sin - allowing us to live forgiven and free, loved and under mercy rather than under wrath from God if we will confess Jesus as our Lord and Savior and follow Him. (This does not, of course, give us a license to just do whatever we want. Having Jesus as Savior means having Him is Lord. Having Him as Lord means our lives are devoted to Him - enjoying Him means we no longer enjoy sin for the sake of sin.)

Soooo what does all of this have to do with my marriage as the title suggested this post would be about? Well, as Ronald was teaching on this passage, God began to show me a startling reality. If it weren't for Jesus, then Psalm 51 would be a VERY hopeless passage - every confession, every plea for mercy would be left unanswered. My sin would not be washed from me. I would not be clean. I would be stuck in the filth I brought on myself from my sin - and my marriage would be stuck with the sin I bring into it.

What if I didn't have God working in me and through me, washing me, cleansing me. What if every selfish thought, every time I dishonored or disrespected my husband was just left to sit in my marriage. What if every offense went un-forgiven?

I got kind of a mental picture in my head as I imagined this. Imagine marriage as a tea bag being steeped in the lives of two people. (So, the lives of the two people are the water to steep the tea bag in). What if every time Josh or I sinned, the water got dirtier. What if there was no way for the water to be clean again? What if every sin I brought into my marriage STAYED there? What if my marriage was constantly being steeped in dirtier and dirtier water?

What if Josh and I didn't forgive each other? What if we didn't show grace? What if we didn't serve each other? What if we didn't even really know how to love each other?

Sure, we might keep up good attitudes and good times together for awhile, but what about when things got hard and we just didn't have the energy or the will to do that anymore....what if our only hope for a healthy marriage was us?
Any of you that are newly married have certainly had at least one couple that's been married for several years roll their eyes at you and your new spouse when you're especially loving towards each other and say, "ha...just give it few years...you won't be so lovey dovey then..."

First of all, if you're one of these couples that says things like that to newlyweds, do everyone a favor and HUSH. Regardless of what you think, that's not helping anyone. So, just....be quiet.

Secondly, I know SEVERAL married couples that have been married for decades that are still over the moon for each other. There's a pattern to these couples - they love Jesus more than each other. They've learned how to love each other by getting to know the One who gave love its name. They've learned to serve by getting to know the One who became the lowliest servant.

*Now, I am WELL aware that sometimes life throws circumstances that can just break people apart and break families apart. My motive here is not to point fingers or judge anyone. My own family (immediate and extended) has seen its fair share of divorce and tough times. Please don't think I am pointing fingers and don't feel the need to explain yourself to me :) I'm imperfect. very. I have no room to judge.
I'm also not looking to point to divorce and call it an unforgiveable sin either. It is a sin, but God's grace is still bigger and his forgiveness still stronger.
I am, however, submitting that there is a better way to do marriage than America has been doing lately. I don't think any of us would argue with that point with divorce rates among Americans at over 50%.

I know me. I know my selfish tendencies, my insecurities, my sinful nature. I know I would wreak havoc if the only thing I had to offer my husband was me...
But the good news is that I have so much more to offer. I have Jesus Christ living in and through me - teaching me to love, convicting me of sin, showing me grace.
There have been several times since Josh and I first started dating that I would get frustrated or annoyed and want to act on those feelings. There have been times I felt like just staying mad or accusing Josh of wrongdoing. But suddenly, this conviction would come that maybe, just maybe, I was at fault too? or maybe I just needed to forgive and show grace in that moment.
That's the Holy Spirit - that's not me choosing to be a "good person." I know this, because if left to myself, I'm gonna choose me and selfishness every time. Straight up, real talk.
But I've got a God who loves me, chose me, died for me, and taught me what true love looks like that is in my heart and head constantly - instructing me how to love and strengthening me with His love when I'm weak.

The only way to truly love someone is to know what true love is. God spelled that out for us in 1 Corinthians 13: 4-8:

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never ends

I don't know about you - but I know that left to myself, more times than not, I'm not going to practice this type of love. I'm much more prone to be irritable and arrogant, resentful and rude. Thankfully, though, the God that inspired these words sent His spirit to live and work within me. It is because of Him that I can offer real love to Josh. It is because of Him that I can choose to serve Josh and make his needs a priority over mine. It's because of Him that my marriage even has a chance.
And all of this is because Jesus came and took the punishment for my sin - that I might be clean, that I might have "new mercies every morning." (Lamentations 3:22-23).

Without Jesus, my marriage is just two sinful people with selfish natures trying to live together forever. I just don't see that working for very long....Sure there are a few exceptions out there, but with a divorce rate of over 50% I think the majority speaks for itself...
It's very humbling to realize that if it were just left up to me, I'd probably ruin my marriage..
With Jesus, though, there's hope. There's victory. There's love that never ends.

and that's something worth dancing about :)