There is Sweetness in the Sad

Indulge me for a minute while I think about my big brother.

I'm supposed to be reading for class, and I have a million things to do..but I just want to chat about him for awhile...

He woud've been 27 today.

This is his last birthday - it was a good one as you can see :)

He only made it to 16, but today should've been 27.

With each passing year, his birthday gets a little less aggressively painful, but it always hurts. What I can't get out of my mind today is who he might be if he was still alive.
That Kenny Chesney song came to mind first thing this morning, and I've been pondering it since:

Who would you be?
I imagine you'd be married. I'd probably be an aunt by now - maybe 2 or 3 times. I totally would've been the best aunt! Even as a child I had dreamed of being an aunt. Aunt Amber. Has a nice ring :)
It started when Aunt Cindy sent me that surprise box of goodies for my 12th birthday. At 12 years old, I began planning what I would do for my own nieces/nephews one day.
And you would've been an excellent uncle to my children.   Uncle Russell. :) My heart floods a little just thinking that.

I think we would've been really good friends by now. We were weird,  ya know,  because we always liked each other. We were never those fighting siblings that couldn't stand to be in the same room. We were always friends.
I imagine adding some years, maturity, and memories to that would have resulted in a really sweet friendship by now.

Yes...some added maturity would certainly have strengthened the bond... ;)

Memories -  like our college graduations, first jobs, marriages (my speech at your rehearsal dinner totally would've made you cry), babies.
Memories we should've had. Memories we didn't get to have.

That's something I've learned. Death isn't a one-time loss. It's a loss of every memory you should have been a part of. That's why it never completely stops hurting. That's why time and space, while giving us room to heal, can never completely heal - because the loss transcends all the years you should've been there.

Because you died in high school, I can't help but look at your classmates and our friends. Sometimes I feel like everyone's grandmother because of how proud I am of everyone. Ha!
Our high school friends - they're grown now. We're all grown now. Some are teachers, some are farmers, some own businesses, some have moved, some are married, some are parents.  -- Some of our classmates even married each other(!) and had babies (!) and they're precious. :) It's so fun to see everyone's lives progressing.
There's a gap, though, where you should have been.

I wonder what you would've named your babies. I'm naming mine after you.
Russell Andrew Barnes, your first nephew will be named Andrew.
(side note: not pregnant)

I wonder what career path you would've chosen? Engineering? Navy Seal?
I bet engineering. I bet you'd be living somewhere like Memphis working in engineering. Maybe..

I bet you'd still go to the gym regularly, but I bet I would also be making fun of any slight tummy pudge your years had put on you. :)
I am certain I would be mercilessly reminding you that you were now only 3 years from 30. hehe

I miss you big brother. Deeply.
Usually this day brings all sorts of emotions. I usually resort to secondary emotions of anger and spend a while asking God why He took you? I usually feel a little desperate, like a caged animal, hostile and trapped.
Those, though, are all secondary emotions. I probably felt those rather than feeling the deep and penetrating sadness that mourns a loss, because I thought anger was easier than sadness.

But today, I simply miss you. I simply feel sad. And I'm surprised to find that it's kind of a sweet feeling - because I can't feel this sad without also feeling how much I love you. In that regard, my tears feel like a hug.

(I know right? We're adorable.)

In that regard, I am simultaneously mourning you and enjoying you - enjoying you much more than in years before when I all I allowed myself to feel was anger.

"You won't ever grieve if you never love. But to avoid grief means you will avoid love."

I feel the meaning of that quote so profoundly today. My grief is an overflow of love, and because that love will never diminish, the grief will always be present.
But that's okay. I can feel this sadness and this love -- and it's okay.
I think that means I'm getting stronger :)
Or really, I think it means I've finally started drawing from the right source of strength. I'm not mad at God anymore. Not once today did I offer up any sort of angry thoughts, prayers, or scorning towards Him. Instead I asked for His comfort and found rest in His love.

He loves you even more than I do, and because of Him, I can rest in your condition, your eternity. You're with Him.

So, I wonder who you'd be today if you were still on earth. I miss you and I mourn. But that's okay.
It really is. Because in the mourning, I'm wrapped in love - mine for you, God's for me, and God's for you.

Happy birthday, Russell

I love you

What's GOOD about Goodbye?

I want to tell you about my brother. His name was Russell. He loved football and had a natural athletic ability that left me jealous on more than one occasion.

He loved hard work (I know that might  sound weird, but he did), loved his family, and most importantly, knew Jesus Christ as His Savior.

And on October 29, 2004, as a 16 year old, he died as a result of injuries sustained in a wreck on October 24, 2004.

9 years ago today.
9 years ago today, I did the hardest thing of my life. I stood at my brother's hospital bed, knowing the only thing keeping him "alive" was the ventilator. His brain had already stopped, his soul was already departed. But the gift of medical science allowed my family and I a few precious moments of the illusion of his presence, and we said our goodbyes. I still remember telling him he was my hero and thanking him for being the big brother that he was, for protecting me, for loving me. I remember hugging him. Specifically, I remember laying my head on his chest, hearing his heart beat and wishing with everything I had that I would feel his arms return my hug. I remember kissing him on the cheek - the top right of his cheek - above the tubes.

The rest of my family could tell you similar stories of their goodbyes. The hardest moments of our lives. I remember my parents broken words, the sound of tears in their voices, and most clearly, I remember the unnatural strength I saw in them. I remember the dilemma we all felt, when the goodbyes were all spoken, and the only thing left to do was leave. But, we had to leave without him. He wasn't coming with us.

I remember the goodbye - like it was yesterday. Sometimes that's all it feels like - yesterday.

The reality of missing someone you love that much never really goes away, but the anniversary of Russell's death has lost some of its sting over the years. The stabbing, unbearable shocks of pain are now replaced with an underlying, kinda pulsating pain - a bearable pain - a pain that still allows you to function, to smile, to be happy. But it's still pain. The deepest hurt of this human life is that at some point, it must end. The ending isn't the hard part, though, it's the carrying on for all those who didn't end that's the hardest.

But here's the thing, I'm not angry about it. I'm not devastated.
If you want to know the truth, I'm thankful more than anything.

 I wasn't at first. When someone dies, people always say to "be thankful to God for the time you had."  Well let me tell you something, when you first lose someone, the "time you had" only seems like a cruel and painful tease - like it was given to you only to be ripped away. It doesn't seem like something you're thankful for.
I hated being told to be thankful. I wasn't thankful. I was hurt. HURT BAD.

It was in these moments of hurt and anger though, that I ultimately asked the question that led to the correct answer. At first, after Russell died, I just tried not to feel anything. I suppressed it all. This doesn't work, in case you're wondering. You have to feel it. It won't just go away.
Finally, when I got sad enough and angry enough, I asked the question of God that I had been trying to ignore - the question that went against all the ways I thought I was supposed to act during this time. "What the heck is there to be thankful for to YOU anyway, God?! YOU could've stopped this. YOU could've found another way.  YOU say you're GOOD, this doesn't seem GOOD..YOU...You...."and then I mostly trailed off into the tears of heartbreak too heavy for words.

Wanna know something I've learned? This is important :
God doesn't mind this honesty. God doesn't mind these questions. In fact, He'd much rather you bring this to Him - honest and real, broken and hurt - than to smile and say "God is good" while you're secretly suffocating under the pain. Wanna know something else? Even if you don't verbalize it or ask it, God already knows you're thinking it - so what's the point of hiding?

I say that simply, but it took me years - YEARS - and a lot of  tears and a lot of counseling to realize.

So, I asked God these questions, and I found my reason to be thankful. Today, even as I cried over the loss of Russell, my heart was thanking God.
Why?
Because long before Russell lived or died, God made a way for Russell to know Him.
Long before Russell lived, God knew his life story. Long before Russell was born, God put in place a plan of salvation that would allow Russell to be rescued from death and become a child of God.

See, when God created the world, it was a GOOD thing. He created man and woman, Adam and Eve, and it was a masterpiece of a creation! Then, evil entered the world, and the devil in the form of a serpent tempted Adam and Eve to disobey God. Adam and Eve were living in the Garden of Eden and God had given them dominion over every living thing in the garden. He only forbid Adam and Eve to eat from one tree - the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, and through their disobedience, sin entered the world. This is known as the Fall - the point in time when humans no longer had direct access to God.
God is holy. He cannot be in the presence of sin. Sin is the opposite of God, so sinful humans no longer had communion with God.
The Bible tells us that everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.(Romans 3:23)
 Everyone. Me. You. Russell.
The Bible also tells us that the punishment for sin is death. You see, a holy God can't NOT punish sin. If God is good, he must deal with evil. The only appropriate punishment for evil is death. The death I mean here is a spiritual death - an eternity apart from God - hell. Everyone dies a physical death, the real concern is what happens after you die -that's eternity.

But here's the good news. The GOOD news.
"For God so loved the world that He sent His only Son, Jesus, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16
God sent His son, Jesus, to live a perfect life on earth. Jesus never sinned. Not once. Not ever. But he was killed on a cross as the substitute for God's wrath over sin. All of the wrath that we would face for our sin was placed on Jesus on the cross.
"God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that in Him we might become the righteousness of God."
-2 Corinthians 5:21
God made a way for us, while we were sinners, to be forgiven, to be His children - to be redeemed.
( Important side note: There's a lot of talk in the world right now about different religions all leading to the same place - like, who cares if you worship Buddha or Alla, they all get you to heaven. This is a dangerous and terribly wrong way of thinking. The Bible says that Jesus is THE way, THE truth, and THE life. No one comes to the Father except through Him. - John 14:6
It's a dangerous and dark lie to preach anything other than Jesus. I couldn't pretend I cared about you and tell you such a lie. I fully believe Jesus is the ONLY way to a relationship with God, the ONLY way to heaven. )
And God is a good God. A loving God. A God that made a way for you to be His forever.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
-Romans 5:8

So, Jesus died, as the ultimate sacrifice for sin. But He didn't stay dead. Jesus defeated death and sin once for all and rose again! He is alive now and seated at the right hand of God in heaven - our living Savior!

God made a way and sent a rescue. Jesus. As John 3:16 told us, anyone that would believe on and in Jesus as His personal Lord and Savior - asking Him to be Lord of His life, acknowledging and admitting that he is a sinner and has no hope apart from Jesus, can be saved. Saved from eternal separation from God, and instead, becoming a child of God.

Russell knew this and surrendered his life to follow Jesus when he was younger. He didn't die a sinner. He died saved. He died ready for eternity.

This. THIS is why I am thankful today. Because my big brother that I said goodbye to in that hospital bed, is no longer hurt, no longer trapped in a physical body - he's free. He's with Jesus. He's. WITH. JESUS.

Wow.... :)
As part of me mourns my loss today, the other part of me praises God unceasingly for providing this hope - for making a way of redemption.
HOW could I make it without Him?
I don't think I could. Without Jesus, this story has no hope. Without Jesus, it's a tragedy. Without Jesus, there is no victory. It's only loss. Only sad.

But WITH Jesus.....well, that changes everything.

"We do not want you to be uniformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep (physically dead), so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope. Since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, in the same way God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep through Jesus...For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the archangel's voice, and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first." - 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, 16