Healing in the "Thank You"

It's been a  crazy past couple of years.
I graduated college, got married, moved to New Orleans, started seminary, got my first full-time job...lots of big life events.
They've been amazing. Truly. It's been a wonderful ride. I have been blessed beyond blessing. I could count the blessings for days!

But in the midst of the blessing, it's also been hard.
It's not really that my present circumstances have been hard, rather that God has been dealing with me and some past hurts that have yet to heal.
You see, my tendency when things are hard or painful is to stuff them away in the back of my life and pretend they're not there. This works for a little while, but I'm finally learning that things WILL NOT just go away. The only way out of them is through them. That means feeling unpleasant feelings, facing unpleasant realities, and allowing them to hurt. That's no fun. But it's real.

And you wanna know something funny about marriage? It makes you realize who you are. Why? Because all the little justifications you allow yourself or all the feelings you ignore are noticed by your spouse. Suddenly you can't just dismiss an emotion, because your spouse sees it play across your face and asks you about it. Suddenly you have to explain the way you're thinking or feeling and saying it out loud makes you realize how off-base it is....then you have to face that.
It's a blessing, really, this oneness of marriage. It's a scary intimacy to have someone suddenly a part of the pieces of your thoughts and feelings that have always only been your's. It can be annoying, honestly, when all you want is to dismiss or push away any unpleasant feeling, but now someone else knows about it and that makes it "real." That makes you have to acknowledge it.

So what am I even talking about?
Well, I'm talking about the massive healing operation God embarked on with me this year. Long story short, I came to seminary quite burned-out on church. *Gasp* Burned out on church?!? I know I know...am I even allowed to say that? I'm going into the ministry with my husband! :)
But yes, I was. Senior year of college had many wonderful moments. It also had many difficult moments - specifically with ministry in mind. Some of it was due to circumstances beyond my control, but much of it was due to the legalistic mindset I had adopted.

Along my journey in college, I learned a LOT about seeking and serving God - and  I took that knowledge and made it into rules. I had rules for me and everyone I knew. If we weren't living up to them, then shame on us! This caused me to be pretty judgmental of others at times, but I was never so harsh with anyone as I was myself. I gave myself no mercy, no room for imperfection. I knew better than what I was doing for goodness sake! What was my deal?!

So, you can imagine that coming to seminary seemed a very heavy load to me - more rules? I can't handle that! Thankfully, God placed some AMAZING people in our path here. People who quickly got to know me and minister to me in grace. People who didn't seem to be bound by rules, but seemed REALLY free. This started to wear at some of the callouses on my heart. Our first semester in seminary was so refreshing, so good, so much a breath of fresh air.

and of course....satan couldn't have that!
I believe God allowed satan to attack me spiritually, emotionally because I had some walls that needed breaking down.
Issues I thought were long ago dealt with came blaring into my life - wounds inflicted by people in my life, my parent's divorce, the fear I constantly struggled with as a result of losing my brother and knowing none of my loved ones were promised tomorrow, anger I didn't know I had, and an unhealthy mindset concerning food that manifested itself in various forms of disordered eating (whether that meant completely not eating or being addicted to food - I've done both) that I'd dealt with for years. Suddenly, these things were front and center and I was feeling all of it.

Soooooo I did what I always do - ran from it! At least I tried to....God didn't let me, though. I feel like He reached deep within me, pulled this junk out, and said, "Let's deal with this, because it's time for healing." It was rather miserable for awhile there. But God had a plan and a rescue mission was underway. He sent people to love on me, listen to me, pray for me, but I think the biggest thing He did was show me that none of those people could actually heal me. For that, I would have to go to Him.

I was afraid to go to Him, though. For so long I had "messed up" and "not kept the rules" that I was SURE He was disgusted with me. I had even begun to wonder if I was actually saved - actually His daughter. THAT is a miserable feeling.

Finally, He brought me to a point of being on my knees, confessing every sin I knew, including the eating disorder taking the role of an idol in my life. For the first time in a lonnnnnng time, I didn't try to "pretty it up" or justify the sins. I just laid them out there - agreeing with God that they were sins - acknowledging they were ugly - acknowledging that without Him, I was ugly. Then, I asked Him if I was indeed His daughter - even after all of my running and pushing Him away and messing up...Was I His?

He answered in that soul-speak way of His, so clearly I couldn't have missed it. He called me daughter. He called me His princess. Jesus covered all that dirty sinfulness and God called me daughter. I GOT TO BE HIS DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Realizing that despite my ugliest moments, the truth of what Jesus did on the cross and His saving work in my life was still true for me and always would be -REALLY realizing that being God's daughter had NOTHING to do with my ability to be "good enough" changed so much about everything else I believed to be true. The hurt and anger I'd felt looked different now. The wounds didn't cut as deep. The eating disorder that had ruled my thought life for YEARS seemed so much smaller. In light of the cross, in light of the reality that because of Jesus's saving work, I got to be God's daughter - LOVED completely by Him....everything else seemed so much smaller. Hope flooded in where despair had been, Grace oozed into the places emptied by condemnation and judgement, Life took over the deadness that came from living under the rules and the "trying so hard", and Joy just moved in and camped out all over the place.

The reality of the cross changed all of my other realities.
JESUS changes everything. He really does. I've seen it with my own eyes. If you have never experienced this, my deepest prayer is that you will.

I've learned God is Good. GOOD enough to be better than the worst this world has to offer. Truly, completely, GOOD. all. the. time.

Now, this doesn't mean life is suddenly perfect. I still live in a fallen world with broken people (myself included). A 10-year eating disorder doesn't disappear overnight, and the reality is that I've had things in my life that HURT. Here's what God's been teaching me recently though - there's healing in thanking Him.

There's healing in looking for HIM in the midst of the hurts and struggles. There's SUCH hope and healing that comes from seeing something painful and looking for the way God has been GOOD despite it or in the midst of it. The song, "Bless the Lord" by Matt Redman speaks of the reality that no matter what's going on, there's still 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord at any given moment.
Josh and I heard a sermon by a church member, Joe McKeever, this past weekend in which he spoke on the truth found in Habbakuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree should not blossom,

nor fruit be on the vines,

the produce of the olive fail

and the fields yield no food,

the flock be cut off from the fold

and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord;

I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

God, the Lord, is my strength;

He makes my feet like the deer's;

He makes me tread on my high places.

Brother Joe spoke on the truth that no matter what's going on in life, we still have a God who loves us, who sent His Son to die for us, and because of His son's work on the cross, we can be declared righteous, so that we might have a relationship with HIM - our loving, all-powerful Father and Creator of the universe. 

There's something healing in looking for that truth in life's worst circumstances. There's something healing in saying "Thank You" to our God for this reality, even when life's temporary circumstances aren't ideal. There's healing in the "Thank You."

Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts speaks to this effect as well, as she chronicles her own journey of healing by making lists of things she's thankful for. 

I started this practice as well, but have altered it slightly. My list is now 1,000 reasons to praise. This is causing me to not only be thankful for my temporary blessings, but causing me to look intensely for what God is up to in every circumstance. And when I can't seem to find Him in a situation, it's causing me to dig in His word for reasons to praise Him no matter what's going on.

So, I'm finding there's healing in the "Thank You"

because when you constantly search for the reasons to thank, you constantly find a God worth thanking.

Dear "Future Amber" - A Letter About Your Marriage

Today marks one year of marriage to Josh :) It's been the BEST being married to this man! One year, 365 days,...it feels like yesterday! (You can see pictures of our wedding day here.)
365 days of having a sleep-over with my best friend
365 days of not having to say "goodbye" as he leaves to go to his own house
365 days of saying "hello" when we come home to each other
365 days of thanking God He let me have this man to call "husband"
365 days of blessing.

I wanted to write a blog about the joys of marriage or the lessons of marriage or just something to commemorate this first year's milestone...The more I thought about it, I decided I would just write a blog to myself...a reminder to "future me" of the blessings I've received through marriage and a warning to not take them for granted if "future me's" life gets busy and she forgets to be grateful. So...

Dear future Amber,
   You've been married one year on the day you're writing this. You're overwhelmed at what a good year it has been with this husband of your's. The first thing  I want you to pause and reflect on is what a gem this boy is. :) All the qualities you hoped for and prayed for in a husband....God blew them out of the water!! Take a minute and praise God for this GOOD gift He has given you. Thank Him for providing a husband that you know you are safe with. Thank Him for a husband that doesn't consider divorce an option. Ever. Thank Him for the security that gives you to be vulnerable, to be real, to be fully known and fully accepted.
  Thank Him for the way Josh seeks to serve you and demonstrate God's love to you. Thank Him that Josh gives you a clearer picture of the way God, Himself, loves you. Thank Him for coming through on His promise that if you would let Him have control of your love life, He would far exceed your expectations. Thank Him that so many younger girls have told you that they've made Josh their standard for a husband after seeing the way he loves you and loves Jesus even more. PRAISE HIM for that!! Praise Him for using your marriage to glorify Him, rather than satan using it to destroy lives. Thank Him for His power and the knowledge that HE is the reason your marriage works. It is His faithfulness that allows you and Josh to be faithful. Never forget that. Always remain dependent on the Lord's power and not your's or Josh's.
 
Also, never forget the things that are causing you to be so in love with Josh right now. It's your responsibility to keep these things in mind, to focus on the wonderful about him and let the negative take the back seat.

Don't take for granted the way he actively looks for ways to serve you -
-the way he does the dishes when you have to work all day
-the way he takes care of the cars and makes sure the tires are rotated, the oil changed, etc
-the way he makes the bed even though he could care less, but he does it because you like it
- the way he lets you pick the TV shows so often, even if it means he has to watch "Gilmore Girls" for the 80th time
-the way he offers to help anytime there's an event or something to prepare for
-the way he offers to help you cook
-the way he asks how your day was and honestly wants to know
-the way he notices and thanks you for working, cleaning, cooking, etc.
-the way he keeps a watchful eye on finances and is always planning, making sure bills are paid etc

Never take for granted the way he showers love all over your life and your families' lives:
-the way he never forgets a family member's birthday
-the way he prays for your families every night
-the way he makes sure to call parents, grandparents, etc on their birthday
-the way he "likes" and takes interest in the posts of your families on Facebook, just to make sure we're all in touch
-the way he sacrificed a summer trip to Missouri to go to Wisconsin for a week to meet your cousins from Washington for the first time

Always appreciate the way He makes Jesus and you his top priority in every circumstance:
-the way he loves to tell people about Jesus
-the passion he has for college students and leading them to Christ/ encouraging them on their walks
-how excited he gets about corporate worship times and  a good/deep sermon
-how he's not afraid to turn down a church/work obligation if he feels the two of you need some together-time more
-the way he loves to include you in his ministry
-the way he values your partnership

Always always appreciate the ways he steers your marriage to focus on Christ:
-the way he prays with you every night before bed
-the way he nudges and urges both of you out of bed in time for church every Sunday
-the way he takes time each week to ask you "where you are" in your walk with Christ
-the way he listens when you answer that question
-the way he is always seeking to learn the best ways to encourage your relationship with Christ
-the way he is always seeking to further his own relationship with Christ

Never take for granted the little moments of friendship that make up your daily lives:
-the way you quote movie lines in conversations and both laugh because you understand the reference
-the painstaking way he taught you this "skill" by quizzing you on movie quotes with yall's invented "Name that Movie" game
-the way you both still love to play that game
-the way you sing (usually badly on purpose) random lines of a song to each other in random moments throughout the day..."I love you baaaabbbyyyy...."
-the way this habit ended up with yall discovering "our song"  found below :)

-the way you found a love of jazz/easy listening music since being married to Josh
-the way you love to listen to him sing in the shower
-the way you laugh hysterically at episodes of  "The Office" that you've both seen a million times
-the way watching "Dumb & Dumber" with him makes you laugh 30x harder than if you watched it alone
-the way he sends you funny Whatsapp messages (usually involving the smiling poop emoticon)
- the way it's safe for you both to have your immature, completely silly moments together ^

And the mundane moments where nothing special is happening, nothing exciting...just day-to-day life as usual...those moments, when it's just nice that he's there doing the mundane with you.

And finally,
never take for granted the ways he seeks to let you know how much you're loved:
-the random flowers that pop up on special occasions and on "just because" days
-the way he calls you beautiful at least 12 times a day :) EVEN when you just wake up - true love right there, sister, and we both know it, cause 6:00 AM does NOT look good on us :)
-the way he hugs you and tickles your hand or grabs your knee, because his love language is physical touch
-the times you catch him staring and ask "what?" and he shrugs and says, "I just like looking at you."
-the way he writes you sweet notes affirming you and his love for you
-the way he considers weekly date nights as much of a priority as anything else on his schedule
Notice these moments. Don't let them become commonplace. These are moments to treasure. Never get so busy that you don't have time to simply enjoy these moments.

It's important to remember and notice all of these things. Don't take them for granted. They aren't "rights," they are gifts - gifts of marriage that need to be protected, remembered, kindled. It's your responsibility to cherish them. It's also your responsibility to let your sweet husband know you appreciate them, know you respect him, know how thankful you are for him. Never assume he just knows these things. TELL HIM. SHOW HIM. Be his first and biggest cheerleader! He is your man! Be thankful for him and let him know how thankful you are.

You've got a great husband, and the best best  friend you can imagine. Don't take a moment of this union for granted. It's too sweet to let it go to waste. Fight for the romance of your marriage. When kids come and schedules get busy, do what it takes to get some alone time. Budget for date nights. Keep them a priority. Guard your marriage and always keep Josh as your second love (right under God).

This marriage is a gift, a great gift. With it comes huge blessings, and huge responsibilities. Give it all you've got. Even in the times when you might feel like you're getting nothing in return. God is faithful. He loves to bless His children. Be faithful in your marriage. He will be faithful to cultivate it.
Never stop looking for the blessings in your marriage. Keep a thankful heart. Satan will hate this. He WILL attack.
Don't lose heart. God always wins.

Now, go kiss your husband and remind him how incredibly blessed you are to be his wife :)

When Good Isn't Good Enough

I think I have the tendency to write about God like I've got it all figured out. In reality, I'm still learning...and I have a LOT left to learn. I don't want to write from the standpoint of one who has it figured out.
I'd rather be honest.
In fact, one thing I learned this week is WHY  I might have this tendency to write this way:

My pastor's wife, Terri, posted this article, 1 Thing Your Daughter Doesn't Need You to Say, on Facebook a few weeks ago and while reading it I felt like I was gulping huge thirsty gulps from water I never knew I needed.

Take a minute and read that article.....I'll wait :)

Back? Good...so how about this part of the article:

 "And when she hears adults tell her to be an example, she thinks that means she can never mess up, can never have problems, can never just be a teenager with struggles like everyone else.

She might then mature into a woman who believes being a Christian means having it all together, saying all the “right” things, staying a few steps above everyone else.

She may become a person people look up to, but she will never be someone they can relate to.

She may be successful at managing her behavior, but she will always struggle to manage people’s opinions.

She may have a great reputation, but her character will be clouded with bitterness and anger.

She may be a good church-goer, but she will not know how to be a good friend.

This may keep her out of trouble, but it will suffocate her soul.

.....She already is a light in a dark place, but here is the part most of us forget when we’re telling our teenagers to be an example:

Her light comes from Jesus, not from her awesome behavior."

I believe I was just handed a mirror and saw my reflection more clearly than ever before.

I can't remember my parents actually ever telling me anything other than to be myself and that I was loved just as I was.

So, I don't know who spoke the message, but I definitely heard it. Be good. Be consistent. Smile. Christians should be happy. Don't struggle. Don't doubt. If you doubt, what's that going to look like to non-believers. SHOW CHRIST. They are all watching you.

Yeeesh. What's a Jesus-loving-"good-girl" to do? Well, she smiles and volunteers a lot, she doesn't complain about her life, she makes straight "A's", joins lots of clubs, becomes an officer in those clubs, plays sports, stays busy, leads numerous Bible studies, attends every Bible study offered, every youth retreat, college retreat, and leads in every D-NOW. She has a lot of fun, in all honesty, but all that fun is constantly accompanied by all the pressure.

Then...she burns out.

Somewhere I became convinced that if I struggled that same way as everyone else, then how on earth would people know that I was different because of Jesus? I thought being "set apart" (2 Corinthians 6:17) meant that I had to showcase nothing but the joy of the Lord at all times - after all, I didn't want God to appear over-hyped. I wanted to be the light in the dark places. 

I don't think I understood that the light was not a result of my behavior - but of God, Himself.

2 Corinthians 12:9 started to make more sense to me: "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I believed God's grace was sufficient for me, but I don't think I had truly grasped what that meant. I thought sufficient grace meant something like, "God is good enough and big enough that even during the worst times of my life, I should still be able to showcase His goodness through my joy and victorious outlook." I think I'm realizing though, that the sufficiency of God's grace means that even in my worst, darkest, ugliest moments, HIS grace and goodness is big enough to cover what I lack. He is good enough and big enough to showcase His glory and goodness, to overcome me and my situation and show He is good and He is God - and because HE is sufficient to do so, the responsibility of His glory being on display is not dependent upon my ability to keep smiling.

The reality is that God is enough to handle our biggest weaknesses. In his book, Dug Down Deep, Joshua Harris puts it this way:

"God is utterly different from me, and that is utterly wonderful. The fact that He's NOT like us is the reason we can run to Him for rescue."

Isaiah 55:8-9 says,
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts your thoughts."

God is not like us. He is strong. He's unchanging. His love is steadfast. (Psalm 136:1) He is full of mercy and He does what we would never do. He dies for His enemies. (Romans 5:8)"

When I'm not strong, He is. When I'm inconsistent, He's faithful. When I'm unlovable, He's loving. When I'm guilty, He's merciful. When I fall short, He is sufficient.

He is sufficient for me, because I could never be sufficient for Him. He is far too holy for my measly attempts at "being good" to count for anything. It is only His grace and the saving work of Christ on the cross that declare me sufficient.

I love this reality. I love it so much!

I must be honest, though, I'm still learning this. I'm having to remember this every single day. My tendency is to lean so much more on my ability to be good than on God's ability to be God, but I've tasted this reality and I just want more of it.

I want to see and know and understand so much deeper His role of Savior, Redeemer, and GOD in my life - enough of my attempts to be "good enough", I'm ready to celebrate HIS goodness and the sufficiency of HIM.

Ahhh...that sounds like a dance waiting to happen :)

via

So, reader friends, don't read this post as one written by an expert - read it as one just learning - My light comes from Jesus, not from me writing or living like I know it all.

"I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, 13 though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, 14 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. 17 To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."

1 Timothy 1:12-17

When Everything Changed...

   
       I've been a Christian since I was 7. I clearly remember asking Jesus to be my Savior. I clearly remember KNOWING in that moment that I was now different. I went on to grow up in church settings where I learned a lot about God and theology. I learned a lot of Christian lingo and led a lot of Bible studies. I was always a leader in the church circles. Then I went to college. I joined the Baptist Student Union and learned even more about the Lord.

However, it was at college that my faith was incredibly challenged. I met people who disagreed with my beliefs and posed questions I had never considered. I had WAY more doubts than I was comfortable with, and I realized I didn't know how to answer a lot of them.
Still, I was certain of at least one thing - God had saved me - I couldn't explain the in's and out's of every detail of my faith, but I couldn't un-explain the night I met Jesus either. The result was that I kept clinging to Jesus, but my grip loosened. I didn't know how to address my doubts, so I ignored them. When you ignore thoughts about Jesus, though, you have to ignore Him a bit too -because He tends to want to discuss these things.
So, my walk with the Lord became more of a limp, but He still took care of me and guided me to the most wonderful husband (who would become a prayer warrior for me in my confusion and hurt) and a clear call for us to start seminary.

I have learned a lot in seminary. Mainly, I learned that I was missing something. I didn't have a rock-solid foundation. In the Bible, James describes it like this: "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind" (James 1:6).
"Tossed like the wind" was a very accurate description of what I felt like. My faith and confidence in God was not steadfast or unwavering like 2 Corinthians 15:58 described. Instead it felt more like a frustrating, confusing roller-coaster. Then, something dangerous happened....I stopped trusting God..... I'm not sure when exactly this happened. It crept in slowly... When I didn't take my doubts to the source for clarification, they started to take over. Soon, I was far from living in a victorious Christ-exalting life, I was drowning in fear and worry, and I was angry at God.

While I had previously trusted in His promises that "He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28), I now wondered why He had "dropped the ball" and let such hurt enter my life. My brother died when he was 16 in a tragic car accident. I was 14 at the time. About 7 months later, my parents divorced. Needless to say, it was not a good time in my life. Even during the worst of the hurt, though, I still trusted that God had a plan for a greater good. Now, I wondered, if He was the "healer" described in the Gospels then why was I still walking around scarred? Sure, the pain had lessened, but I didn't feel "healed." It still felt like more of a loss than a victory of the Lord.

All I knew was that I had endured agonizing pain and I never wanted to face that again - especially since it didn't seem that the healing that was promised was all that "complete." It seemed to me that God's healing abilities were greatly over-hyped. This terrified me. I became incredibly fearful of any sort of loss or pain like that happening again. I was particularly terrified that God would take my new husband from me. I angrily told God that would be a really terrible thing to do and tried to convince Him through my tear-filled rants that I didn't care how great of a plan he might have or what His plans might be for our lives. He couldn't have my husband, and that's all I had to say about that. Of course, I knew God was God and there was nothing I could do to actually control whether or not my husband was safe and alive or not. This only served to make me even more terrified and resentful of God's control.

I didn't trust Him. Plain and simple. I acknowledged that in my own heart, but I didn't believe anything would change it. I never doubted Him as God. I just doubted His ability and desire to care for me.
However, one of the biggest blessings of going to seminary has been the incredible community we've found here. I started meeting people with a love and trust for the Lord that I had never seen before. They weren't loud and obnoxious about their relationship with Him, but they were so secure. I met people who spoke with confidence about Him; people who seemed so...restful.
I wanted that rest. I wanted it BAD. So, I started to ask God if I was missing something, and if I was, please show me.

 Good news: He likes to answer prayers like that. :)
Slowly, subtly, He started poking truth through the lies I had been believing. It was a slow, almost unnoticeable process at first. One of the biggest steps, though, came at the end of this semester. For one of my classes, we had one-on-one meetings with the professor as part of our final requirements for the class. I took what I considered to be a huge risk and was honest with the professor about my walk with the Lord (rather than pretending I had it all under control - which is what I usually do). Blake (officially, Dr. Newsom, but he lets us call him Blake) quickly pinpointed the problem it took me over a year to figure out - I didn't trust God.

Blake spoke truth and wisdom to me while never making me feel ashamed for the hurt and confusion I felt, and he closed our meeting with a prayer.
A prayer God heard and used. He prayed verses over me about God caring for the grass, the sparrows, and me much more (Matthew 6:26-30) and then he prayed something I'll never forget. He asked that God would show Himself to me as the Good Father and that I would know that He would not hurt me..... He would not hurt me.....He. would. not. hurt. me.

Those words rolled around in my head for 2 weeks. I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't settle into my brain, so I finally asked God. He immediately revealed the problem that had plagued me for years: It turned out I had a wrong view of God in one of the most fundamental ways.
My mindset was that God could and would, perhaps, hurt me. After all, he let my brother die. That hurt. He let my parents divorce. That hurt. I didn't understand how a God who promised to take care of me could allow such hurt.
 I never consciously thought this, it was more of subconscious thought pattern underlying everything else I believed about God. I don't think I always thought this way, but maybe that thought pattern crept in in the midst of those unresolved doubts.

However, in that moment, God revealed (or maybe reminded me of) a truth I desperately needed to know.

A simple, life-changing truth - He's the GOOD guy. Always. Constantly. No matter what.
He. is. GOOD.

The hurt in this world is not directly a result of God.
Yes, He is absolutely sovereign. Yes, He has control. Yes, His plan always prevails. But the reason death is in this world is not because God likes to take people away or doesn't care that it hurts those left behind. Death is a result of the fall. Death is a result of sin. Hurt is a result of sin. When Adam and Eve first sinned in the Garden of Eden, sin entered the world and death claimed its territory. Since then, the world has been broken and always will be.
Here's the good news, though. Here's the reason I can trust God.
Jesus has ALREADY righted that which wounds us the deepest. Death is the most painful of wounds, and JESUS ALREADY DEFEATED IT. He defeated our greatest despair. He took death's power.
He lived a perfect life as a perfect sacrifice and died as an innocent man on the cross as a substitute for the wrath of God towards sin which results in death. He took our hurt before we even knew it hurt us. He took our hurt while we yelled, "Crucify him!" He took our sin, filth, and pain to the cross and died in our place. Three days later, He defeated death forever when He rose from the grave. He took our deepest hurt and gave us hope. He took our death and gave us life.
He has already saved the day.
I prayed for years for God to take my hurt and heal it - I didn't realize He already had. Long before I was born, He bore my pain. 

This changed everything.
Everything.

Maybe it's because I grew up always hearing the story in church that the news of the gospel didn't resonate with me in this area for so long. Maybe I had let myself become numb to it. But in that moment, God revealed it to me like it was the first time I'd ever heard it...and this seminary student discovered the Gospel again. I came face-to-face with the true God - the one I had resisted for so long, and it blew me away.

The news is good, people....He has already won!
And there's NOTHING more dance-worthy than that!

Learning to dance,

Beignet...Done That.

Whew! It's been awhile since I've posted on here, but let's just say life hasn't been handing out a lot of free time these days and what little free time it does lend, I spend sleeping. Having a wedding to plan, a senior capstone project to coordinate, on campus activities, and senior year of college all at the same time can be a bit overwhelming. This past week was one of those weeks where I didn't dance, I barely even walked straight. My shoulders were slumping as much as the cornners of my mouth with feelings of defeat, inadequacy, and my all-time unfavorite - imperfection.

It's such an obvious concept - we're imperfect - all of us - and we'll never be perfect. But, I think I can speak for millions of people by saying that even though I know that, I still subconsciously beat myself up for falling short. So, when life gets bigger than I can handle and I don't respond to everything with grace and love and smiles, don't look at every situation as an opportunity to show Christ's love, don't seek to serve others in all that I do, then I feel like I've messed up. I feel like a failure. This past week was one of those weeks, but thankfully, I have a great big wonderful Jesus friend that loves to take a weary heart and give it not only rest, but joy. :)

I LOVE it when Jesus seemingly comes out of nowhere and takes my messed up views, hurt feeilngs, and burdens and reminds me that He was there all along, He knew about it, and He cared about it - even though I didn't always remember to go to Him with it. This weekend was one of those times.

On Friday, Jdubb and I went with 4 of our friends and Jdubb's pastor to go check out New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary.

 We had to leave at 3:30 AM ( A.M.!!!!!) , so most of us didn't even go to sleep except for the entire way there and back. Despite our lack of sleep, we were all in good spirits and excited to be going. It was an absolutely WONDERFUL trip.

 We were able to tour the campus, meet several people - including one of the counseling professors (which is what I'm going to study), some prospective employers, and visit the residence halls and... married housing!! :) We also got to tour downtown New Orleans a little - which is a very ummm... odd...but very interesting scene, and I got to try my very first New Orleans beignet.

Which is where my title came from "beinget...done that." Get it? like, "Been there, done that." :) punny.

It was so exciting to see a preview of what our life could look like next year and get some answers to our questions.
Our trip was full of laughter, confirmation of the calling and direction God seems to be leading Jdubb and I in, and rest from the toil of the week. I felt very peaceful and watched over by my Daddy in heaven while we were there, which was good, because at the same time I was very aware of the stretching and growing God had in store for me there. This Delta girl was being taken out of her Delta bubble and it was an uncomfortable, yet wonderful experience.
We got home Friday night around 9:00 and played dominoes until about midnight. We all slept until lunch time the next day, giving us about 12 hours of beautiful, holy sleep. Lol seriously, I believe there are times when Jesus annoints sleep in order to revive a weary soul. I think this was one of those times - I woke up feeling SO refreshed. Then I got to spend my Saturday cleaning a little, wedding planning a little, spending sweet, un-pressured time with Jdubb, and most importantly, getting some good quality time with Jesus.
My Jesus time started with reading one of the two books I purchased while on our New Orleans trip called Grace for the Good Girl by Emily P. Freeman.

 and I am SOOOOOO loving it. I read the first chapter yesterday and journaled 3 pages about it. God used it to reach in deep and pull out some ugly, painful wounds that I'd been repressing. He showed me these and then showed them to me for what they truy were - not scary, overwhelming, horrible disease that would rule and take over my life as I'd been fearing - but simply wounds that He was capable of healing; and He started to, right then and there.
I feel like I could write for days about what God did in my life this weekend and the restoration He gave, but I'll save some of it for later :) and I'll end by giving public thanks and praise to Him for His merciful hands of grace that reach in and rescue His weary children.
Stay tuned over the next week for more information on that and the wonderful freedom I've already found and pray to continue finding through Christ's counsel to me through this book and this weekend and His never-ending love and grace. In the meantime, check out Emily's blog at www.ChattingAtTheSky.com to find what she calls a community of "grace dwellers." Now who doesn't want to be a part of that? :)

Who knew Jesus could use a trip to such an infamous city as New Orleans to bring my dancing feet back? Learning that His ways are not my own, learning I really can trust Him, learning that He really does care-even more than I do, learning that He IS good - all the time, and in the process, learning to dance... :)