When Good Isn't Good Enough

I think I have the tendency to write about God like I've got it all figured out. In reality, I'm still learning...and I have a LOT left to learn. I don't want to write from the standpoint of one who has it figured out.
I'd rather be honest.
In fact, one thing I learned this week is WHY  I might have this tendency to write this way:

My pastor's wife, Terri, posted this article, 1 Thing Your Daughter Doesn't Need You to Say, on Facebook a few weeks ago and while reading it I felt like I was gulping huge thirsty gulps from water I never knew I needed.

Take a minute and read that article.....I'll wait :)

Back? Good...so how about this part of the article:

 "And when she hears adults tell her to be an example, she thinks that means she can never mess up, can never have problems, can never just be a teenager with struggles like everyone else.

She might then mature into a woman who believes being a Christian means having it all together, saying all the “right” things, staying a few steps above everyone else.

She may become a person people look up to, but she will never be someone they can relate to.

She may be successful at managing her behavior, but she will always struggle to manage people’s opinions.

She may have a great reputation, but her character will be clouded with bitterness and anger.

She may be a good church-goer, but she will not know how to be a good friend.

This may keep her out of trouble, but it will suffocate her soul.

.....She already is a light in a dark place, but here is the part most of us forget when we’re telling our teenagers to be an example:

Her light comes from Jesus, not from her awesome behavior."

I believe I was just handed a mirror and saw my reflection more clearly than ever before.

I can't remember my parents actually ever telling me anything other than to be myself and that I was loved just as I was.

So, I don't know who spoke the message, but I definitely heard it. Be good. Be consistent. Smile. Christians should be happy. Don't struggle. Don't doubt. If you doubt, what's that going to look like to non-believers. SHOW CHRIST. They are all watching you.

Yeeesh. What's a Jesus-loving-"good-girl" to do? Well, she smiles and volunteers a lot, she doesn't complain about her life, she makes straight "A's", joins lots of clubs, becomes an officer in those clubs, plays sports, stays busy, leads numerous Bible studies, attends every Bible study offered, every youth retreat, college retreat, and leads in every D-NOW. She has a lot of fun, in all honesty, but all that fun is constantly accompanied by all the pressure.

Then...she burns out.

Somewhere I became convinced that if I struggled that same way as everyone else, then how on earth would people know that I was different because of Jesus? I thought being "set apart" (2 Corinthians 6:17) meant that I had to showcase nothing but the joy of the Lord at all times - after all, I didn't want God to appear over-hyped. I wanted to be the light in the dark places. 

I don't think I understood that the light was not a result of my behavior - but of God, Himself.

2 Corinthians 12:9 started to make more sense to me: "But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."

I believed God's grace was sufficient for me, but I don't think I had truly grasped what that meant. I thought sufficient grace meant something like, "God is good enough and big enough that even during the worst times of my life, I should still be able to showcase His goodness through my joy and victorious outlook." I think I'm realizing though, that the sufficiency of God's grace means that even in my worst, darkest, ugliest moments, HIS grace and goodness is big enough to cover what I lack. He is good enough and big enough to showcase His glory and goodness, to overcome me and my situation and show He is good and He is God - and because HE is sufficient to do so, the responsibility of His glory being on display is not dependent upon my ability to keep smiling.

The reality is that God is enough to handle our biggest weaknesses. In his book, Dug Down Deep, Joshua Harris puts it this way:

"God is utterly different from me, and that is utterly wonderful. The fact that He's NOT like us is the reason we can run to Him for rescue."

Isaiah 55:8-9 says,
"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts your thoughts."

God is not like us. He is strong. He's unchanging. His love is steadfast. (Psalm 136:1) He is full of mercy and He does what we would never do. He dies for His enemies. (Romans 5:8)"

When I'm not strong, He is. When I'm inconsistent, He's faithful. When I'm unlovable, He's loving. When I'm guilty, He's merciful. When I fall short, He is sufficient.

He is sufficient for me, because I could never be sufficient for Him. He is far too holy for my measly attempts at "being good" to count for anything. It is only His grace and the saving work of Christ on the cross that declare me sufficient.

I love this reality. I love it so much!

I must be honest, though, I'm still learning this. I'm having to remember this every single day. My tendency is to lean so much more on my ability to be good than on God's ability to be God, but I've tasted this reality and I just want more of it.

I want to see and know and understand so much deeper His role of Savior, Redeemer, and GOD in my life - enough of my attempts to be "good enough", I'm ready to celebrate HIS goodness and the sufficiency of HIM.

Ahhh...that sounds like a dance waiting to happen :)

via

So, reader friends, don't read this post as one written by an expert - read it as one just learning - My light comes from Jesus, not from me writing or living like I know it all.

"I thank him who has given me strength, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he judged me faithful, appointing me to his service, 13 though formerly I was a blasphemer, persecutor, and insolent opponent. But I received mercy because I had acted ignorantly in unbelief, 14 and the grace of our Lord overflowed for me with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus. 15 The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost. 16 But I received mercy for this reason, that in me, as the foremost, Jesus Christ might display his perfect patience as an example to those who were to believe in him for eternal life. 17 To the King of the ages, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever. Amen."

1 Timothy 1:12-17

When Everything Changed...

   
       I've been a Christian since I was 7. I clearly remember asking Jesus to be my Savior. I clearly remember KNOWING in that moment that I was now different. I went on to grow up in church settings where I learned a lot about God and theology. I learned a lot of Christian lingo and led a lot of Bible studies. I was always a leader in the church circles. Then I went to college. I joined the Baptist Student Union and learned even more about the Lord.

However, it was at college that my faith was incredibly challenged. I met people who disagreed with my beliefs and posed questions I had never considered. I had WAY more doubts than I was comfortable with, and I realized I didn't know how to answer a lot of them.
Still, I was certain of at least one thing - God had saved me - I couldn't explain the in's and out's of every detail of my faith, but I couldn't un-explain the night I met Jesus either. The result was that I kept clinging to Jesus, but my grip loosened. I didn't know how to address my doubts, so I ignored them. When you ignore thoughts about Jesus, though, you have to ignore Him a bit too -because He tends to want to discuss these things.
So, my walk with the Lord became more of a limp, but He still took care of me and guided me to the most wonderful husband (who would become a prayer warrior for me in my confusion and hurt) and a clear call for us to start seminary.

I have learned a lot in seminary. Mainly, I learned that I was missing something. I didn't have a rock-solid foundation. In the Bible, James describes it like this: "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind" (James 1:6).
"Tossed like the wind" was a very accurate description of what I felt like. My faith and confidence in God was not steadfast or unwavering like 2 Corinthians 15:58 described. Instead it felt more like a frustrating, confusing roller-coaster. Then, something dangerous happened....I stopped trusting God..... I'm not sure when exactly this happened. It crept in slowly... When I didn't take my doubts to the source for clarification, they started to take over. Soon, I was far from living in a victorious Christ-exalting life, I was drowning in fear and worry, and I was angry at God.

While I had previously trusted in His promises that "He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28), I now wondered why He had "dropped the ball" and let such hurt enter my life. My brother died when he was 16 in a tragic car accident. I was 14 at the time. About 7 months later, my parents divorced. Needless to say, it was not a good time in my life. Even during the worst of the hurt, though, I still trusted that God had a plan for a greater good. Now, I wondered, if He was the "healer" described in the Gospels then why was I still walking around scarred? Sure, the pain had lessened, but I didn't feel "healed." It still felt like more of a loss than a victory of the Lord.

All I knew was that I had endured agonizing pain and I never wanted to face that again - especially since it didn't seem that the healing that was promised was all that "complete." It seemed to me that God's healing abilities were greatly over-hyped. This terrified me. I became incredibly fearful of any sort of loss or pain like that happening again. I was particularly terrified that God would take my new husband from me. I angrily told God that would be a really terrible thing to do and tried to convince Him through my tear-filled rants that I didn't care how great of a plan he might have or what His plans might be for our lives. He couldn't have my husband, and that's all I had to say about that. Of course, I knew God was God and there was nothing I could do to actually control whether or not my husband was safe and alive or not. This only served to make me even more terrified and resentful of God's control.

I didn't trust Him. Plain and simple. I acknowledged that in my own heart, but I didn't believe anything would change it. I never doubted Him as God. I just doubted His ability and desire to care for me.
However, one of the biggest blessings of going to seminary has been the incredible community we've found here. I started meeting people with a love and trust for the Lord that I had never seen before. They weren't loud and obnoxious about their relationship with Him, but they were so secure. I met people who spoke with confidence about Him; people who seemed so...restful.
I wanted that rest. I wanted it BAD. So, I started to ask God if I was missing something, and if I was, please show me.

 Good news: He likes to answer prayers like that. :)
Slowly, subtly, He started poking truth through the lies I had been believing. It was a slow, almost unnoticeable process at first. One of the biggest steps, though, came at the end of this semester. For one of my classes, we had one-on-one meetings with the professor as part of our final requirements for the class. I took what I considered to be a huge risk and was honest with the professor about my walk with the Lord (rather than pretending I had it all under control - which is what I usually do). Blake (officially, Dr. Newsom, but he lets us call him Blake) quickly pinpointed the problem it took me over a year to figure out - I didn't trust God.

Blake spoke truth and wisdom to me while never making me feel ashamed for the hurt and confusion I felt, and he closed our meeting with a prayer.
A prayer God heard and used. He prayed verses over me about God caring for the grass, the sparrows, and me much more (Matthew 6:26-30) and then he prayed something I'll never forget. He asked that God would show Himself to me as the Good Father and that I would know that He would not hurt me..... He would not hurt me.....He. would. not. hurt. me.

Those words rolled around in my head for 2 weeks. I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't settle into my brain, so I finally asked God. He immediately revealed the problem that had plagued me for years: It turned out I had a wrong view of God in one of the most fundamental ways.
My mindset was that God could and would, perhaps, hurt me. After all, he let my brother die. That hurt. He let my parents divorce. That hurt. I didn't understand how a God who promised to take care of me could allow such hurt.
 I never consciously thought this, it was more of subconscious thought pattern underlying everything else I believed about God. I don't think I always thought this way, but maybe that thought pattern crept in in the midst of those unresolved doubts.

However, in that moment, God revealed (or maybe reminded me of) a truth I desperately needed to know.

A simple, life-changing truth - He's the GOOD guy. Always. Constantly. No matter what.
He. is. GOOD.

The hurt in this world is not directly a result of God.
Yes, He is absolutely sovereign. Yes, He has control. Yes, His plan always prevails. But the reason death is in this world is not because God likes to take people away or doesn't care that it hurts those left behind. Death is a result of the fall. Death is a result of sin. Hurt is a result of sin. When Adam and Eve first sinned in the Garden of Eden, sin entered the world and death claimed its territory. Since then, the world has been broken and always will be.
Here's the good news, though. Here's the reason I can trust God.
Jesus has ALREADY righted that which wounds us the deepest. Death is the most painful of wounds, and JESUS ALREADY DEFEATED IT. He defeated our greatest despair. He took death's power.
He lived a perfect life as a perfect sacrifice and died as an innocent man on the cross as a substitute for the wrath of God towards sin which results in death. He took our hurt before we even knew it hurt us. He took our hurt while we yelled, "Crucify him!" He took our sin, filth, and pain to the cross and died in our place. Three days later, He defeated death forever when He rose from the grave. He took our deepest hurt and gave us hope. He took our death and gave us life.
He has already saved the day.
I prayed for years for God to take my hurt and heal it - I didn't realize He already had. Long before I was born, He bore my pain. 

This changed everything.
Everything.

Maybe it's because I grew up always hearing the story in church that the news of the gospel didn't resonate with me in this area for so long. Maybe I had let myself become numb to it. But in that moment, God revealed it to me like it was the first time I'd ever heard it...and this seminary student discovered the Gospel again. I came face-to-face with the true God - the one I had resisted for so long, and it blew me away.

The news is good, people....He has already won!
And there's NOTHING more dance-worthy than that!

Learning to dance,

Beignet...Done That.

Whew! It's been awhile since I've posted on here, but let's just say life hasn't been handing out a lot of free time these days and what little free time it does lend, I spend sleeping. Having a wedding to plan, a senior capstone project to coordinate, on campus activities, and senior year of college all at the same time can be a bit overwhelming. This past week was one of those weeks where I didn't dance, I barely even walked straight. My shoulders were slumping as much as the cornners of my mouth with feelings of defeat, inadequacy, and my all-time unfavorite - imperfection.

It's such an obvious concept - we're imperfect - all of us - and we'll never be perfect. But, I think I can speak for millions of people by saying that even though I know that, I still subconsciously beat myself up for falling short. So, when life gets bigger than I can handle and I don't respond to everything with grace and love and smiles, don't look at every situation as an opportunity to show Christ's love, don't seek to serve others in all that I do, then I feel like I've messed up. I feel like a failure. This past week was one of those weeks, but thankfully, I have a great big wonderful Jesus friend that loves to take a weary heart and give it not only rest, but joy. :)

I LOVE it when Jesus seemingly comes out of nowhere and takes my messed up views, hurt feeilngs, and burdens and reminds me that He was there all along, He knew about it, and He cared about it - even though I didn't always remember to go to Him with it. This weekend was one of those times.

On Friday, Jdubb and I went with 4 of our friends and Jdubb's pastor to go check out New Orleans Baptist Theological Seminary.

 We had to leave at 3:30 AM ( A.M.!!!!!) , so most of us didn't even go to sleep except for the entire way there and back. Despite our lack of sleep, we were all in good spirits and excited to be going. It was an absolutely WONDERFUL trip.

 We were able to tour the campus, meet several people - including one of the counseling professors (which is what I'm going to study), some prospective employers, and visit the residence halls and... married housing!! :) We also got to tour downtown New Orleans a little - which is a very ummm... odd...but very interesting scene, and I got to try my very first New Orleans beignet.

Which is where my title came from "beinget...done that." Get it? like, "Been there, done that." :) punny.

It was so exciting to see a preview of what our life could look like next year and get some answers to our questions.
Our trip was full of laughter, confirmation of the calling and direction God seems to be leading Jdubb and I in, and rest from the toil of the week. I felt very peaceful and watched over by my Daddy in heaven while we were there, which was good, because at the same time I was very aware of the stretching and growing God had in store for me there. This Delta girl was being taken out of her Delta bubble and it was an uncomfortable, yet wonderful experience.
We got home Friday night around 9:00 and played dominoes until about midnight. We all slept until lunch time the next day, giving us about 12 hours of beautiful, holy sleep. Lol seriously, I believe there are times when Jesus annoints sleep in order to revive a weary soul. I think this was one of those times - I woke up feeling SO refreshed. Then I got to spend my Saturday cleaning a little, wedding planning a little, spending sweet, un-pressured time with Jdubb, and most importantly, getting some good quality time with Jesus.
My Jesus time started with reading one of the two books I purchased while on our New Orleans trip called Grace for the Good Girl by Emily P. Freeman.

 and I am SOOOOOO loving it. I read the first chapter yesterday and journaled 3 pages about it. God used it to reach in deep and pull out some ugly, painful wounds that I'd been repressing. He showed me these and then showed them to me for what they truy were - not scary, overwhelming, horrible disease that would rule and take over my life as I'd been fearing - but simply wounds that He was capable of healing; and He started to, right then and there.
I feel like I could write for days about what God did in my life this weekend and the restoration He gave, but I'll save some of it for later :) and I'll end by giving public thanks and praise to Him for His merciful hands of grace that reach in and rescue His weary children.
Stay tuned over the next week for more information on that and the wonderful freedom I've already found and pray to continue finding through Christ's counsel to me through this book and this weekend and His never-ending love and grace. In the meantime, check out Emily's blog at www.ChattingAtTheSky.com to find what she calls a community of "grace dwellers." Now who doesn't want to be a part of that? :)

Who knew Jesus could use a trip to such an infamous city as New Orleans to bring my dancing feet back? Learning that His ways are not my own, learning I really can trust Him, learning that He really does care-even more than I do, learning that He IS good - all the time, and in the process, learning to dance... :)

RINGIN' in the New Year!!

Hello readers!

Have I got some "Dance Worthy" news for you!

By popular demand, It's finally here!! :) THE post!

Brace yourself, it's a long one :)

I'm sorry it has taken so long, but things have just been super crazy the past few days!

But here it is: the story of the most wonderful proposal ever:

So, I must preface the post by explaining J-dubb's Christmas present idea for me this year :

He decided to do the 12  days of Christmas - so for 12 days, I got presents couting down from 12 - 1, with the understanding that "1" was going to be my main present and the others were fun, happy presents such as.

Day 12 - a bouquet of 12 roses :)

Day 11 - two cylinder canisters of chocolate truffles - which looked like a number 11 when you stood them next to each other

Day 10 - Mandisa's "What if We Were Real" CD with 10 songs on it

Day 9 - A $9 Sonic gift card

Day 8 - 8 Hershey's kisses

Day 7 - 7 gallons of gas that he put into my car without me knowing :)
Day 6 - 6 banans because he's "bananas" about me ;)
Day 5 - instead of 5 golden rings, 5 ring-pops :)
Day 4 - 4 ounces of antibacterial Bath and Body lotion lol - he gave me two bottles with 2 ounces each in them (travel size)
Day 3 - 3 packs of gum "delivered" by a Santa Claus rubber duckie
Day 2 - 2 little stuffed catepillars in honor of a camp I love and have worked for several years known as Chrysalis
Day 1 ---- oh...just this:

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*Insert dozens of smiley faces and "hoorays!" and "woohoos!"

So, story time:
It was on New Year's Eve and a complete and utter surprise - which is what I always wanted :)
I spent the first part of the day with my extended family on my dad's side doing our Christmas celebration. We ate, opened presents, and then got ready to head to my grandfather's house to wait for the New Year. Jdubb and I had planned a couple of weeks earlier for him, his mom and dad - Judy and Ronnie, and brother - Craig to come down that night to see my grandfather's massive display of Christmas lights and celebrate New Year's with us.

   

 (see what I mean by "massive"?)

It was also the day I was scheduled to get my "1" Christmas gift from Jdubb.
So, I knew they were coming, and my understanding was that Jdubb would arrive first, because he was going to bring his own car, so he could spend the night ( which he did often, but ALWAYS in a separate bed than me lol - just to clarify) that night when his family went back to Cleveland.
So, after my family and I opened gifts, I called Jdubb - found out he was planning on getting there around 4:30. So, my two aunts - Cindy and Krissy, and my 13-year-old cousin - Katelin, took our time getting cute for the New Year's Eve celebration.
*I include this detail because for anyone who knows me - you know that I normally would've gone in comfy clothes - maybe even pajamas for a New Year's celebration. However, my dad and aunt had devised a scheme to make sure I was dressed up without giving away what would happen. The night before, my Aunt Cindy - who dresses cute 24/7  had "randomly" asked Aunt Krissy, Katelin, and I if we wanted to dress cute for our party so we could all take pictures with the lights. We all readily agreed :)
So, when I got done getting dressed, I noticed my Aunt Cindy with her suitcase (you think I'm kidding) full of fingernail polish at the kitchen table doing her nails. I asked her if she would do French tips on mine and she agreed quickly. ( I really made this whole thing easy for them to make me look cute with pretty fingernails and I didn't even know what was happening :P )
Just as my nails are drying, Jdubb shows up and the rest of my family leaves to head to Pap's (Pap is our nickname for my grandfather). Jdubb and I followed shortly after, and I noticed that he made the normal 10-minute drive into a 15ish minute drive, but I thought he just wanted some "just us" time before we got there.

(If you like music while you read, click play :) if not, carry on - this song seems to sum up everything I'm feeling about heading into a marriage with this man)

Anywho, we arrived at Pap's and Jdubb asked me if I wanted to take a walk. It was nearly dark at this time, so we strolled through the side yard of Christmas lights and made our way to the back. When I saw the backyard,  I noticed a lot of white paper laterns hanging that hadn't been there before. I thought that Pap had jsut been really creative and thought of a new decoration.

*Pause for background info: If you haven't seen the movie Tangled, there is a scene with a lot of floating lanterns that I have always thought was absolutely gorgeous*
so when I exclaimed about how pretty they were - Jdubb responded with, "yeah, looks kinda like Tangled, huh?" His answer caught me by surprise and I began to wonder if he had set them up as part of my final Christmas present. He then led me over to a tree near the edge of the lake. I didn't notice it at the time, but there were silver swans hanging from the tree and we stood under them for awhile.
*Pause again for background info - My brother, Russell died 7 years ago. While he was alive, he always had this funny thing he would do that we called "swan attacks" in which he would act completely silly while proclaiming to us how "pretty" he was "like a swan." It was completely silly and hard to describe if you didn't know him  - but hilarious and some of our favorite memories of him. So, since his death, the swan has sorta become a symbol we associate with him and even had one engraved on his headstone. So, the swans were Jdubb's way of honoring Russell :)

                                                                     :) :)
While we stood under the swans, Jdubb began telling me about how a conversation we had a few days earlier about what God teaching me the freedom of trusting Him and being able to be confidant about the future because He is always faithful - despite our circumstances - to be good and loving and care for us. (see my previous blog-post for more information on what He taught me about that). Jdubb told me that our conversation had reminded him of a verse from Proverbs 31 (verse 25) that says

"strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the days to come"

and that he was thankful to have the opportunity to be able to laugh at the days to come with me. Then he just reaffirmed that we could indeed laugh at the future even though we didn't know what would happen.

Afterwards, he lead me over to the pier and told me to close my eyes. He took me a little ways out onto it, and then with our backs to the house and the backyard, he let me open my eyes. He took out his Bible and began reading to me from Phillipians. The verses he read were about Paul telling the church how thankful he was for their partnership in the gospel and that he thanked God for them every time he thought of them. Paul also encourages them to keep following Christ and exorts them to trust Him.
*These verses were the same verses that Jdubb wrote to me in the very first note he ever wrote me
After reading this to me, Jdubb told me how thankful he was for me and my encouragement and partnership in the gospel, and the opportunity to pursue me. He told me how blessed he considered himself to be to get the chance to puruse my  heart and seek my affection, and also how thankful he was for how we could sharpen each other and encourage each other in seeking Christ.
(All this time I thought it was just part of his present to me - I never guessed a proposal was coming!)
However, I figured it out when he said, "So, I wanted to tell you all of this, and I also wanted to tell you that...I love you..
*I knew he was going to propose when he said this, because a long time ago we agreed that we would not tell each other we loved each other until we were engaged. We wanted to guard our hearts and emotions, and not give away any of our heart or devotion to each other that would be intended for our future spouses. So, by not saying "I love you" we were just trying to protect ourselves from giving away too much affection or devotion prematurely*
So, he said, "I love you....and this is why..."
Then he turned me around and I saw that on each board of the pier he had written something about me that he loved. He walked backwards and led me down the pier and as I stepped on each board, he read it to me.

When we got to the end of the pier, he said, "so...I have a question for you..." he got down on one knee (between two glass swans that were perched there) and pulled another swan from a hole he had dug that had my ring around its neck.
Then, he said the words every girl waits to hear... " will you mary me? 

I was sobbing by this point and tearfully said, "of course! yes!"

He stood up and we hugged and kissed and cried and laughed.....

then he paused after a moment and let out a loud "WOO!". ( I had figured out by now that my family was in on this, so I thought that was their signal to come outside) but suddenly from the neighbor's yard, fireworks started erupting all over the place and cheering was coming from everywhere!

My family ran onto the back porch and cheered and a bundle of our best friends (most of which drove almost 3 hours just to be there) came running from the neighbor's yard cheering and laughing and crying.

Then our secret photographer emerged - Angela Waller - and took lots of pictures of our group and pointed out to us that she had even rigged a video camera to capture the proposal! :)

*cue applause!*

I found out that Jdubb had gone to both of my parents and asked their permission beforehand, and had my family helping him set everything up for over a week :D

And the reason I didn't notice all of our friends and his family's cars at the house was because they had all parked them down the road and carpooled with my uncle - sneaky sneaky :)
It was THE most wonderful proposal I could EVER imagine and the absolute best night of my life.

I am SOOOO blessed to be marrying this man. The whole thing is the clearest picture to me of God's faithfulness and delight and GRACE in giving good gifts to His children. Ever since I was 16, I have given the pen of my love story to Jesus and asked Him to write it for me - because He not only knows best, but He knows ME best. I trust His judgement and plans for me more than my own, because I never know WHAT I want.

I asked Him to hold and protect my heart and not to let me give it to anyone other than my husband. He was faithful to do so - He has shut so many doors and told me no about several potential guys I was interested in.
It was SO frustrating at times, but He taught me how to guard my heart and preserve it along the way - and then He introduced me to Jdubb. I told Jdubb from the very beginning that he was "not what I expected but exactly what I needed" and only God would have known that.

Jdubb is the most wonderful, BEST match for me - I know that I could not ask for a better man for me. God protected me from what I THOUGHT was right, and guided me to what really was.

Ladies, if you're feeling discouraged and wondering if there are any true princes still out there - TRUST ME, I HAVE SEEN IT - give your love story to the Auther of Romance and just watch what He can do :) He'll blow your mind and show you that His dreams for you far surpass your own dreams for yourself. No, we don't deserve it - none of us do. That's what makes His grace so amazing :)

IT IS WORTH WAITING FOR - YOU are worth waiting for too :) and you deserve to be fought for by a man who knows the value of your heart.
Truth.
Men, there are women out there waiting for their princes. Man up and fight for them. You have what it takes - you were made to be a warrior in the image of a warrior-God. :) Give your love story to God and watch Him turn you into a warrior prince and provide you with the helpmate of a lifetime :)

THANK YOU SO MUCH to all of you who were a part of this and who are a part of our lives. I'm THRILLED to start this new journey with Jdubb and see what God has in store for us.

I love you all!!! :D

 I am DEFINITELY dancing right now :D

p.s. we have set our wedding date - so everyone, save July 28, 2012 !

:D :D :D :D

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Tired of Being Tired?

Hello lovely readers!
I hope you have all had the most wonderful Christmas holiday experiences! I know in my last post I said to meet me here "tomorrow" - and "tomorrow" was over a week ago, but things got a little busy around here. Of course there's the Christmas festivities, but my dad also had neck surgery last Thursday, so I've become a full-time nurse, homemaker, and care-taker. WHEW!
In my last post, I invited you to join me on the journey of learning to dance in the freedom and joy and grace offered to us through a relationship with God through Jesus. I also asked the question "is anyone else tired of being tired?" Little did I know that this week God was going to illuminate one of the sources of my tired-ness:
This past week I became so stressed out with the various responsibilties that came with the Christmas season and with taking care of my dad. Add those onto my constant quest to make everything happy and comfortable for everybody in my family at all times and you come out with one tired female.
My soul knew what was up and tried to tell me that I needed to get away and glean from Jesus for strength and power, but I didn't listen. Consequently, my soul felt heavier, grew tired, and joy became surface. Thankfully, God decided to draw me to Him and open my eyes to my need and desire for Him, and pulled me up a chair to sit with Him for awhile.

At first, I came to him with several questions that I had been debating over the break about some opportunities to lead small-groups during Disciple Now weekends that are coming up. He, in return, pulled out a question about another issue that I thought was un-related. (He does this a lot to me - and I used to wonder why He always wanted to talk about something other than my problem. It took me awhile to figure out that when He does that, He IS talking about my problem - the root of it.)
You see, there's a reason He is called the Great Counselor. I've attended several counseling sessions in my life and found that what makes a great counselor is one who can see past the surface level of the problem you're presenting and can ask the right questions to guide you to see and address the real problem. The root that is causing the problem you thought was the real issue.
So, when I brought my question about leading a group of girls in a study on persecution to followers of Christ, He brought up my confusing and conflicting feelings on His words in the New Testament about caring for one's family vs. abandoning everything to follow Him.

1 Timothy 5:8
But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."

Luke 14:26
"If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple."

My response to these verses was very eloquent and wise:
"ummmm.....huh???"

As I sat and wondered about these verses, I remembered a tweet by John Piper containing a reference to this very dilemma. So, I decided to see what he had to say about it and after reading several articles and posts about this topic, I found one that summed it up nicely and to the point at Missions Untold .
As I read this post and the comment by Steph Bell underneath it, God pinpointed a very crucial issue in my faith.
Part of Steph's comment read:
"That was the first time  I realized I had been emotionally, and mentally, and I'm sure 'spiritually' carrying more than I should have been. It was not my fault that the world was coming down on my family while I was gone...and it's not my responisbility to be the savior."

That comment pierced deep, as God revealed to me that a source of fear and insecurity with the thought of facing persecution is the notion that either I or a loved one could die because of it. I realized how tightly I hold onto my loved ones for fear of losing them, and while I know that if I did die, I would be gloriously whole in heaven, it still scared me to my core to think of leaving my family and loved ones behind.
You see, I often place undue pressure on myself and try to be the one to take care of too much in my family - I try to make sure they are happy, protect them from physical or emotional danger, prevent awkwardness or tension, present Jesus to them and try to urge spiritual growth, make sure they feel appreciated, loved, and included in all things at all time (and I do all of this with divorced parents -which makes it twice as tricky) - and I absolutely get SO stressed with trying to make everyone in my family's life happy and wonderful and spiritually fulfilling. I try to be God. I try to be my family's Savior.
NO WONDER I'M TIRED.
Don't get me wrong, we are called to care and love and share Jesus with family - but are never called to SAVE our family - because we simply are not able. We are also not able to heal family from the hurts and pains of sin or loss - that is a God-sized job. If I could save my family, heal them, provide for them, protect them, smooth away all concerns and issues, there would be no need for Jesus.

As God revealed this to me, He showed me through His word that He can indeed be trusted to be GOD of my family and their Savior, provider, and healer ... and that I cannot do that no matter how hard I try. I would have expected this to be a frustrating lesson to learn - to find that there was absolutely nothing I could do to change situations, and that God really was the only one who had any control here. But you know what I found? ..... relief.
I found relief that my small human frame was not able and, therefore, not expected to be GOD. It sounds so simple, right? But how many of us are pulling our hair out trying to do that very thing?
How many of us are TIRED from trying to do God's job?
A book by Joan C. Webb that is absolutely one of the best books I've ever read has some great insights on this:

My sit-down with Jesus tonight ended with this simple prayer that I journaled:
"Thank you for your faithfulness (despite my faithlessness). I'm sorry for clinging to things - to people. My hands are tired from holding on so tightly. My soul is even more tired.
I want to trust that you are God and will be God over all situations. I can glimpse the freedom that would be found in that. I already feel lighter. I already see how this can allow me to dance :) <---yes I did put actually put a smiley face in my prayer to God lol. I choose to believe He finds it adorable :) .
Jesus, please keep teaching me this. Playing God is no longer my preferred role."

So, sweet friends, I pray that you will find the relief in letting God be God - in believing that He is who He says He is, and that He can do what He says He can do.

^I got that last little saying from Beth Moore and her book "Believing God".

Source: google.ca via Michelle on Pinterest

I have not fully learned this lesson, but I'm focused on it tonight. I'm praying to be focused on it tomorrow as well - and the next day - and the next..until it becomes a regular focus in my everyday life.
I'm learning to let God be God ... and in the process.... I'm learning to dance :)

Source: brightboldbeautiful.blogspot.com via Sherri on Pinterest