Healing in the "Thank You"

It's been a  crazy past couple of years.
I graduated college, got married, moved to New Orleans, started seminary, got my first full-time job...lots of big life events.
They've been amazing. Truly. It's been a wonderful ride. I have been blessed beyond blessing. I could count the blessings for days!

But in the midst of the blessing, it's also been hard.
It's not really that my present circumstances have been hard, rather that God has been dealing with me and some past hurts that have yet to heal.
You see, my tendency when things are hard or painful is to stuff them away in the back of my life and pretend they're not there. This works for a little while, but I'm finally learning that things WILL NOT just go away. The only way out of them is through them. That means feeling unpleasant feelings, facing unpleasant realities, and allowing them to hurt. That's no fun. But it's real.

And you wanna know something funny about marriage? It makes you realize who you are. Why? Because all the little justifications you allow yourself or all the feelings you ignore are noticed by your spouse. Suddenly you can't just dismiss an emotion, because your spouse sees it play across your face and asks you about it. Suddenly you have to explain the way you're thinking or feeling and saying it out loud makes you realize how off-base it is....then you have to face that.
It's a blessing, really, this oneness of marriage. It's a scary intimacy to have someone suddenly a part of the pieces of your thoughts and feelings that have always only been your's. It can be annoying, honestly, when all you want is to dismiss or push away any unpleasant feeling, but now someone else knows about it and that makes it "real." That makes you have to acknowledge it.

So what am I even talking about?
Well, I'm talking about the massive healing operation God embarked on with me this year. Long story short, I came to seminary quite burned-out on church. *Gasp* Burned out on church?!? I know I know...am I even allowed to say that? I'm going into the ministry with my husband! :)
But yes, I was. Senior year of college had many wonderful moments. It also had many difficult moments - specifically with ministry in mind. Some of it was due to circumstances beyond my control, but much of it was due to the legalistic mindset I had adopted.

Along my journey in college, I learned a LOT about seeking and serving God - and  I took that knowledge and made it into rules. I had rules for me and everyone I knew. If we weren't living up to them, then shame on us! This caused me to be pretty judgmental of others at times, but I was never so harsh with anyone as I was myself. I gave myself no mercy, no room for imperfection. I knew better than what I was doing for goodness sake! What was my deal?!

So, you can imagine that coming to seminary seemed a very heavy load to me - more rules? I can't handle that! Thankfully, God placed some AMAZING people in our path here. People who quickly got to know me and minister to me in grace. People who didn't seem to be bound by rules, but seemed REALLY free. This started to wear at some of the callouses on my heart. Our first semester in seminary was so refreshing, so good, so much a breath of fresh air.

and of course....satan couldn't have that!
I believe God allowed satan to attack me spiritually, emotionally because I had some walls that needed breaking down.
Issues I thought were long ago dealt with came blaring into my life - wounds inflicted by people in my life, my parent's divorce, the fear I constantly struggled with as a result of losing my brother and knowing none of my loved ones were promised tomorrow, anger I didn't know I had, and an unhealthy mindset concerning food that manifested itself in various forms of disordered eating (whether that meant completely not eating or being addicted to food - I've done both) that I'd dealt with for years. Suddenly, these things were front and center and I was feeling all of it.

Soooooo I did what I always do - ran from it! At least I tried to....God didn't let me, though. I feel like He reached deep within me, pulled this junk out, and said, "Let's deal with this, because it's time for healing." It was rather miserable for awhile there. But God had a plan and a rescue mission was underway. He sent people to love on me, listen to me, pray for me, but I think the biggest thing He did was show me that none of those people could actually heal me. For that, I would have to go to Him.

I was afraid to go to Him, though. For so long I had "messed up" and "not kept the rules" that I was SURE He was disgusted with me. I had even begun to wonder if I was actually saved - actually His daughter. THAT is a miserable feeling.

Finally, He brought me to a point of being on my knees, confessing every sin I knew, including the eating disorder taking the role of an idol in my life. For the first time in a lonnnnnng time, I didn't try to "pretty it up" or justify the sins. I just laid them out there - agreeing with God that they were sins - acknowledging they were ugly - acknowledging that without Him, I was ugly. Then, I asked Him if I was indeed His daughter - even after all of my running and pushing Him away and messing up...Was I His?

He answered in that soul-speak way of His, so clearly I couldn't have missed it. He called me daughter. He called me His princess. Jesus covered all that dirty sinfulness and God called me daughter. I GOT TO BE HIS DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Realizing that despite my ugliest moments, the truth of what Jesus did on the cross and His saving work in my life was still true for me and always would be -REALLY realizing that being God's daughter had NOTHING to do with my ability to be "good enough" changed so much about everything else I believed to be true. The hurt and anger I'd felt looked different now. The wounds didn't cut as deep. The eating disorder that had ruled my thought life for YEARS seemed so much smaller. In light of the cross, in light of the reality that because of Jesus's saving work, I got to be God's daughter - LOVED completely by Him....everything else seemed so much smaller. Hope flooded in where despair had been, Grace oozed into the places emptied by condemnation and judgement, Life took over the deadness that came from living under the rules and the "trying so hard", and Joy just moved in and camped out all over the place.

The reality of the cross changed all of my other realities.
JESUS changes everything. He really does. I've seen it with my own eyes. If you have never experienced this, my deepest prayer is that you will.

I've learned God is Good. GOOD enough to be better than the worst this world has to offer. Truly, completely, GOOD. all. the. time.

Now, this doesn't mean life is suddenly perfect. I still live in a fallen world with broken people (myself included). A 10-year eating disorder doesn't disappear overnight, and the reality is that I've had things in my life that HURT. Here's what God's been teaching me recently though - there's healing in thanking Him.

There's healing in looking for HIM in the midst of the hurts and struggles. There's SUCH hope and healing that comes from seeing something painful and looking for the way God has been GOOD despite it or in the midst of it. The song, "Bless the Lord" by Matt Redman speaks of the reality that no matter what's going on, there's still 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord at any given moment.
Josh and I heard a sermon by a church member, Joe McKeever, this past weekend in which he spoke on the truth found in Habbakuk 3:17-19

Though the fig tree should not blossom,

nor fruit be on the vines,

the produce of the olive fail

and the fields yield no food,

the flock be cut off from the fold

and there be no herd in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the Lord;

I will take joy in the God of my salvation.

God, the Lord, is my strength;

He makes my feet like the deer's;

He makes me tread on my high places.

Brother Joe spoke on the truth that no matter what's going on in life, we still have a God who loves us, who sent His Son to die for us, and because of His son's work on the cross, we can be declared righteous, so that we might have a relationship with HIM - our loving, all-powerful Father and Creator of the universe. 

There's something healing in looking for that truth in life's worst circumstances. There's something healing in saying "Thank You" to our God for this reality, even when life's temporary circumstances aren't ideal. There's healing in the "Thank You."

Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts speaks to this effect as well, as she chronicles her own journey of healing by making lists of things she's thankful for. 

I started this practice as well, but have altered it slightly. My list is now 1,000 reasons to praise. This is causing me to not only be thankful for my temporary blessings, but causing me to look intensely for what God is up to in every circumstance. And when I can't seem to find Him in a situation, it's causing me to dig in His word for reasons to praise Him no matter what's going on.

So, I'm finding there's healing in the "Thank You"

because when you constantly search for the reasons to thank, you constantly find a God worth thanking.

When Everything Changed...

   
       I've been a Christian since I was 7. I clearly remember asking Jesus to be my Savior. I clearly remember KNOWING in that moment that I was now different. I went on to grow up in church settings where I learned a lot about God and theology. I learned a lot of Christian lingo and led a lot of Bible studies. I was always a leader in the church circles. Then I went to college. I joined the Baptist Student Union and learned even more about the Lord.

However, it was at college that my faith was incredibly challenged. I met people who disagreed with my beliefs and posed questions I had never considered. I had WAY more doubts than I was comfortable with, and I realized I didn't know how to answer a lot of them.
Still, I was certain of at least one thing - God had saved me - I couldn't explain the in's and out's of every detail of my faith, but I couldn't un-explain the night I met Jesus either. The result was that I kept clinging to Jesus, but my grip loosened. I didn't know how to address my doubts, so I ignored them. When you ignore thoughts about Jesus, though, you have to ignore Him a bit too -because He tends to want to discuss these things.
So, my walk with the Lord became more of a limp, but He still took care of me and guided me to the most wonderful husband (who would become a prayer warrior for me in my confusion and hurt) and a clear call for us to start seminary.

I have learned a lot in seminary. Mainly, I learned that I was missing something. I didn't have a rock-solid foundation. In the Bible, James describes it like this: "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind" (James 1:6).
"Tossed like the wind" was a very accurate description of what I felt like. My faith and confidence in God was not steadfast or unwavering like 2 Corinthians 15:58 described. Instead it felt more like a frustrating, confusing roller-coaster. Then, something dangerous happened....I stopped trusting God..... I'm not sure when exactly this happened. It crept in slowly... When I didn't take my doubts to the source for clarification, they started to take over. Soon, I was far from living in a victorious Christ-exalting life, I was drowning in fear and worry, and I was angry at God.

While I had previously trusted in His promises that "He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28), I now wondered why He had "dropped the ball" and let such hurt enter my life. My brother died when he was 16 in a tragic car accident. I was 14 at the time. About 7 months later, my parents divorced. Needless to say, it was not a good time in my life. Even during the worst of the hurt, though, I still trusted that God had a plan for a greater good. Now, I wondered, if He was the "healer" described in the Gospels then why was I still walking around scarred? Sure, the pain had lessened, but I didn't feel "healed." It still felt like more of a loss than a victory of the Lord.

All I knew was that I had endured agonizing pain and I never wanted to face that again - especially since it didn't seem that the healing that was promised was all that "complete." It seemed to me that God's healing abilities were greatly over-hyped. This terrified me. I became incredibly fearful of any sort of loss or pain like that happening again. I was particularly terrified that God would take my new husband from me. I angrily told God that would be a really terrible thing to do and tried to convince Him through my tear-filled rants that I didn't care how great of a plan he might have or what His plans might be for our lives. He couldn't have my husband, and that's all I had to say about that. Of course, I knew God was God and there was nothing I could do to actually control whether or not my husband was safe and alive or not. This only served to make me even more terrified and resentful of God's control.

I didn't trust Him. Plain and simple. I acknowledged that in my own heart, but I didn't believe anything would change it. I never doubted Him as God. I just doubted His ability and desire to care for me.
However, one of the biggest blessings of going to seminary has been the incredible community we've found here. I started meeting people with a love and trust for the Lord that I had never seen before. They weren't loud and obnoxious about their relationship with Him, but they were so secure. I met people who spoke with confidence about Him; people who seemed so...restful.
I wanted that rest. I wanted it BAD. So, I started to ask God if I was missing something, and if I was, please show me.

 Good news: He likes to answer prayers like that. :)
Slowly, subtly, He started poking truth through the lies I had been believing. It was a slow, almost unnoticeable process at first. One of the biggest steps, though, came at the end of this semester. For one of my classes, we had one-on-one meetings with the professor as part of our final requirements for the class. I took what I considered to be a huge risk and was honest with the professor about my walk with the Lord (rather than pretending I had it all under control - which is what I usually do). Blake (officially, Dr. Newsom, but he lets us call him Blake) quickly pinpointed the problem it took me over a year to figure out - I didn't trust God.

Blake spoke truth and wisdom to me while never making me feel ashamed for the hurt and confusion I felt, and he closed our meeting with a prayer.
A prayer God heard and used. He prayed verses over me about God caring for the grass, the sparrows, and me much more (Matthew 6:26-30) and then he prayed something I'll never forget. He asked that God would show Himself to me as the Good Father and that I would know that He would not hurt me..... He would not hurt me.....He. would. not. hurt. me.

Those words rolled around in my head for 2 weeks. I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't settle into my brain, so I finally asked God. He immediately revealed the problem that had plagued me for years: It turned out I had a wrong view of God in one of the most fundamental ways.
My mindset was that God could and would, perhaps, hurt me. After all, he let my brother die. That hurt. He let my parents divorce. That hurt. I didn't understand how a God who promised to take care of me could allow such hurt.
 I never consciously thought this, it was more of subconscious thought pattern underlying everything else I believed about God. I don't think I always thought this way, but maybe that thought pattern crept in in the midst of those unresolved doubts.

However, in that moment, God revealed (or maybe reminded me of) a truth I desperately needed to know.

A simple, life-changing truth - He's the GOOD guy. Always. Constantly. No matter what.
He. is. GOOD.

The hurt in this world is not directly a result of God.
Yes, He is absolutely sovereign. Yes, He has control. Yes, His plan always prevails. But the reason death is in this world is not because God likes to take people away or doesn't care that it hurts those left behind. Death is a result of the fall. Death is a result of sin. Hurt is a result of sin. When Adam and Eve first sinned in the Garden of Eden, sin entered the world and death claimed its territory. Since then, the world has been broken and always will be.
Here's the good news, though. Here's the reason I can trust God.
Jesus has ALREADY righted that which wounds us the deepest. Death is the most painful of wounds, and JESUS ALREADY DEFEATED IT. He defeated our greatest despair. He took death's power.
He lived a perfect life as a perfect sacrifice and died as an innocent man on the cross as a substitute for the wrath of God towards sin which results in death. He took our hurt before we even knew it hurt us. He took our hurt while we yelled, "Crucify him!" He took our sin, filth, and pain to the cross and died in our place. Three days later, He defeated death forever when He rose from the grave. He took our deepest hurt and gave us hope. He took our death and gave us life.
He has already saved the day.
I prayed for years for God to take my hurt and heal it - I didn't realize He already had. Long before I was born, He bore my pain. 

This changed everything.
Everything.

Maybe it's because I grew up always hearing the story in church that the news of the gospel didn't resonate with me in this area for so long. Maybe I had let myself become numb to it. But in that moment, God revealed it to me like it was the first time I'd ever heard it...and this seminary student discovered the Gospel again. I came face-to-face with the true God - the one I had resisted for so long, and it blew me away.

The news is good, people....He has already won!
And there's NOTHING more dance-worthy than that!

Learning to dance,