He loved hard work (I know that might sound weird, but he did), loved his family, and most importantly, knew Jesus Christ as His Savior.
And on October 29, 2004, as a 16 year old, he died as a result of injuries sustained in a wreck on October 24, 2004.
9 years ago today.
9 years ago today, I did the hardest thing of my life. I stood at my brother's hospital bed, knowing the only thing keeping him "alive" was the ventilator. His brain had already stopped, his soul was already departed. But the gift of medical science allowed my family and I a few precious moments of the illusion of his presence, and we said our goodbyes. I still remember telling him he was my hero and thanking him for being the big brother that he was, for protecting me, for loving me. I remember hugging him. Specifically, I remember laying my head on his chest, hearing his heart beat and wishing with everything I had that I would feel his arms return my hug. I remember kissing him on the cheek - the top right of his cheek - above the tubes.
The rest of my family could tell you similar stories of their goodbyes. The hardest moments of our lives. I remember my parents broken words, the sound of tears in their voices, and most clearly, I remember the unnatural strength I saw in them. I remember the dilemma we all felt, when the goodbyes were all spoken, and the only thing left to do was leave. But, we had to leave without him. He wasn't coming with us.
I remember the goodbye - like it was yesterday. Sometimes that's all it feels like - yesterday.
The reality of missing someone you love that much never really goes away, but the anniversary of Russell's death has lost some of its sting over the years. The stabbing, unbearable shocks of pain are now replaced with an underlying, kinda pulsating pain - a bearable pain - a pain that still allows you to function, to smile, to be happy. But it's still pain. The deepest hurt of this human life is that at some point, it must end. The ending isn't the hard part, though, it's the carrying on for all those who didn't end that's the hardest.
But here's the thing, I'm not angry about it. I'm not devastated.
If you want to know the truth, I'm thankful more than anything.
I wasn't at first. When someone dies, people always say to "be thankful to God for the time you had." Well let me tell you something, when you first lose someone, the "time you had" only seems like a cruel and painful tease - like it was given to you only to be ripped away. It doesn't seem like something you're thankful for.
I hated being told to be thankful. I wasn't thankful. I was hurt. HURT BAD.
It was in these moments of hurt and anger though, that I ultimately asked the question that led to the correct answer. At first, after Russell died, I just tried not to feel anything. I suppressed it all. This doesn't work, in case you're wondering. You have to feel it. It won't just go away.
Finally, when I got sad enough and angry enough, I asked the question of God that I had been trying to ignore - the question that went against all the ways I thought I was supposed to act during this time. "What the heck is there to be thankful for to YOU anyway, God?! YOU could've stopped this. YOU could've found another way. YOU say you're GOOD, this doesn't seem GOOD..YOU...You...."and then I mostly trailed off into the tears of heartbreak too heavy for words.
Wanna know something I've learned? This is important :
God doesn't mind this honesty. God doesn't mind these questions. In fact, He'd much rather you bring this to Him - honest and real, broken and hurt - than to smile and say "God is good" while you're secretly suffocating under the pain. Wanna know something else? Even if you don't verbalize it or ask it, God already knows you're thinking it - so what's the point of hiding?
I say that simply, but it took me years - YEARS - and a lot of tears and a lot of counseling to realize.
So, I asked God these questions, and I found my reason to be thankful. Today, even as I cried over the loss of Russell, my heart was thanking God.
Why?
Because long before Russell lived or died, God made a way for Russell to know Him.
Long before Russell lived, God knew his life story. Long before Russell was born, God put in place a plan of salvation that would allow Russell to be rescued from death and become a child of God.
See, when God created the world, it was a GOOD thing. He created man and woman, Adam and Eve, and it was a masterpiece of a creation! Then, evil entered the world, and the devil in the form of a serpent tempted Adam and Eve to disobey God. Adam and Eve were living in the Garden of Eden and God had given them dominion over every living thing in the garden. He only forbid Adam and Eve to eat from one tree - the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit, and through their disobedience, sin entered the world. This is known as the Fall - the point in time when humans no longer had direct access to God.
God is holy. He cannot be in the presence of sin. Sin is the opposite of God, so sinful humans no longer had communion with God.
The Bible tells us that everyone has sinned and fallen short of the glory of God.(Romans 3:23)
Everyone. Me. You. Russell.
The Bible also tells us that the punishment for sin is death. You see, a holy God can't NOT punish sin. If God is good, he must deal with evil. The only appropriate punishment for evil is death. The death I mean here is a spiritual death - an eternity apart from God - hell. Everyone dies a physical death, the real concern is what happens after you die -that's eternity.
But here's the good news. The GOOD news.
"For God so loved the world that He sent His only Son, Jesus, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life." John 3:16
God sent His son, Jesus, to live a perfect life on earth. Jesus never sinned. Not once. Not ever. But he was killed on a cross as the substitute for God's wrath over sin. All of the wrath that we would face for our sin was placed on Jesus on the cross.
"God made Him who knew no sin to be sin for us, that in Him we might become the righteousness of God."
-2 Corinthians 5:21
God made a way for us, while we were sinners, to be forgiven, to be His children - to be redeemed.
( Important side note: There's a lot of talk in the world right now about different religions all leading to the same place - like, who cares if you worship Buddha or Alla, they all get you to heaven. This is a dangerous and terribly wrong way of thinking. The Bible says that Jesus is THE way, THE truth, and THE life. No one comes to the Father except through Him. - John 14:6
It's a dangerous and dark lie to preach anything other than Jesus. I couldn't pretend I cared about you and tell you such a lie. I fully believe Jesus is the ONLY way to a relationship with God, the ONLY way to heaven. )
And God is a good God. A loving God. A God that made a way for you to be His forever.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."
-Romans 5:8
So, Jesus died, as the ultimate sacrifice for sin. But He didn't stay dead. Jesus defeated death and sin once for all and rose again! He is alive now and seated at the right hand of God in heaven - our living Savior!
God made a way and sent a rescue. Jesus. As John 3:16 told us, anyone that would believe on and in Jesus as His personal Lord and Savior - asking Him to be Lord of His life, acknowledging and admitting that he is a sinner and has no hope apart from Jesus, can be saved. Saved from eternal separation from God, and instead, becoming a child of God.
Russell knew this and surrendered his life to follow Jesus when he was younger. He didn't die a sinner. He died saved. He died ready for eternity.
This. THIS is why I am thankful today. Because my big brother that I said goodbye to in that hospital bed, is no longer hurt, no longer trapped in a physical body - he's free. He's with Jesus. He's. WITH. JESUS.
Wow.... :)
As part of me mourns my loss today, the other part of me praises God unceasingly for providing this hope - for making a way of redemption.
HOW could I make it without Him?
I don't think I could. Without Jesus, this story has no hope. Without Jesus, it's a tragedy. Without Jesus, there is no victory. It's only loss. Only sad.
But WITH Jesus.....well, that changes everything.
"We do not want you to be uniformed, brothers, concerning those who are asleep (physically dead), so that you will not grieve like the rest, who have no hope. Since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, in the same way God will bring with Him those who have fallen asleep through Jesus...For the Lord Himself will descend from heaven with a shout, with the archangel's voice, and with the trumpet of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first." - 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14, 16
