I've been a Christian since I was 7. I clearly remember asking Jesus to be my Savior. I clearly remember KNOWING in that moment that I was now different. I went on to grow up in church settings where I learned a lot about God and theology. I learned a lot of Christian lingo and led a lot of Bible studies. I was always a leader in the church circles. Then I went to college. I joined the Baptist Student Union and learned even more about the Lord.
However, it was at college that my faith was incredibly challenged. I met people who disagreed with my beliefs and posed questions I had never considered. I had WAY more doubts than I was comfortable with, and I realized I didn't know how to answer a lot of them.
Still, I was certain of at least one thing - God had saved me - I couldn't explain the in's and out's of every detail of my faith, but I couldn't un-explain the night I met Jesus either. The result was that I kept clinging to Jesus, but my grip loosened. I didn't know how to address my doubts, so I ignored them. When you ignore thoughts about Jesus, though, you have to ignore Him a bit too -because He tends to want to discuss these things.
So, my walk with the Lord became more of a limp, but He still took care of me and guided me to the most wonderful husband (who would become a prayer warrior for me in my confusion and hurt) and a clear call for us to start seminary.
I have learned a lot in seminary. Mainly, I learned that I was missing something. I didn't have a rock-solid foundation. In the Bible, James describes it like this: "But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind" (James 1:6).
"Tossed like the wind" was a very accurate description of what I felt like. My faith and confidence in God was not steadfast or unwavering like 2 Corinthians 15:58 described. Instead it felt more like a frustrating, confusing roller-coaster. Then, something dangerous happened....I stopped trusting God..... I'm not sure when exactly this happened. It crept in slowly... When I didn't take my doubts to the source for clarification, they started to take over. Soon, I was far from living in a victorious Christ-exalting life, I was drowning in fear and worry, and I was angry at God.
While I had previously trusted in His promises that "He works all things for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose" (Romans 8:28), I now wondered why He had "dropped the ball" and let such hurt enter my life. My brother died when he was 16 in a tragic car accident. I was 14 at the time. About 7 months later, my parents divorced. Needless to say, it was not a good time in my life. Even during the worst of the hurt, though, I still trusted that God had a plan for a greater good. Now, I wondered, if He was the "healer" described in the Gospels then why was I still walking around scarred? Sure, the pain had lessened, but I didn't feel "healed." It still felt like more of a loss than a victory of the Lord.
All I knew was that I had endured agonizing pain and I never wanted to face that again - especially since it didn't seem that the healing that was promised was all that "complete." It seemed to me that God's healing abilities were greatly over-hyped. This terrified me. I became incredibly fearful of any sort of loss or pain like that happening again. I was particularly terrified that God would take my new husband from me. I angrily told God that would be a really terrible thing to do and tried to convince Him through my tear-filled rants that I didn't care how great of a plan he might have or what His plans might be for our lives. He couldn't have my husband, and that's all I had to say about that. Of course, I knew God was God and there was nothing I could do to actually control whether or not my husband was safe and alive or not. This only served to make me even more terrified and resentful of God's control.
I didn't trust Him. Plain and simple. I acknowledged that in my own heart, but I didn't believe anything would change it. I never doubted Him as God. I just doubted His ability and desire to care for me.
However, one of the biggest blessings of going to seminary has been the incredible community we've found here. I started meeting people with a love and trust for the Lord that I had never seen before. They weren't loud and obnoxious about their relationship with Him, but they were so secure. I met people who spoke with confidence about Him; people who seemed so...restful.
I wanted that rest. I wanted it BAD. So, I started to ask God if I was missing something, and if I was, please show me.
Good news: He likes to answer prayers like that. :)
Slowly, subtly, He started poking truth through the lies I had been believing. It was a slow, almost unnoticeable process at first. One of the biggest steps, though, came at the end of this semester. For one of my classes, we had one-on-one meetings with the professor as part of our final requirements for the class. I took what I considered to be a huge risk and was honest with the professor about my walk with the Lord (rather than pretending I had it all under control - which is what I usually do). Blake (officially, Dr. Newsom, but he lets us call him Blake) quickly pinpointed the problem it took me over a year to figure out - I didn't trust God.
Blake spoke truth and wisdom to me while never making me feel ashamed for the hurt and confusion I felt, and he closed our meeting with a prayer.
A prayer God heard and used. He prayed verses over me about God caring for the grass, the sparrows, and me much more (Matthew 6:26-30) and then he prayed something I'll never forget. He asked that God would show Himself to me as the Good Father and that I would know that He would not hurt me..... He would not hurt me.....He. would. not. hurt. me.
Those words rolled around in my head for 2 weeks. I couldn't figure out why they wouldn't settle into my brain, so I finally asked God. He immediately revealed the problem that had plagued me for years: It turned out I had a wrong view of God in one of the most fundamental ways.
My mindset was that God could and would, perhaps, hurt me. After all, he let my brother die. That hurt. He let my parents divorce. That hurt. I didn't understand how a God who promised to take care of me could allow such hurt.
I never consciously thought this, it was more of subconscious thought pattern underlying everything else I believed about God. I don't think I always thought this way, but maybe that thought pattern crept in in the midst of those unresolved doubts.
However, in that moment, God revealed (or maybe reminded me of) a truth I desperately needed to know.
A simple, life-changing truth - He's the GOOD guy. Always. Constantly. No matter what.
He. is. GOOD.
The hurt in this world is not directly a result of God.
Yes, He is absolutely sovereign. Yes, He has control. Yes, His plan always prevails. But the reason death is in this world is not because God likes to take people away or doesn't care that it hurts those left behind. Death is a result of the fall. Death is a result of sin. Hurt is a result of sin. When Adam and Eve first sinned in the Garden of Eden, sin entered the world and death claimed its territory. Since then, the world has been broken and always will be.
Here's the good news, though. Here's the reason I can trust God.
Jesus has ALREADY righted that which wounds us the deepest. Death is the most painful of wounds, and JESUS ALREADY DEFEATED IT. He defeated our greatest despair. He took death's power.
He lived a perfect life as a perfect sacrifice and died as an innocent man on the cross as a substitute for the wrath of God towards sin which results in death. He took our hurt before we even knew it hurt us. He took our hurt while we yelled, "Crucify him!" He took our sin, filth, and pain to the cross and died in our place. Three days later, He defeated death forever when He rose from the grave. He took our deepest hurt and gave us hope. He took our death and gave us life.
He has already saved the day.
I prayed for years for God to take my hurt and heal it - I didn't realize He already had. Long before I was born, He bore my pain.
This changed everything.
Everything.
Maybe it's because I grew up always hearing the story in church that the news of the gospel didn't resonate with me in this area for so long. Maybe I had let myself become numb to it. But in that moment, God revealed it to me like it was the first time I'd ever heard it...and this seminary student discovered the Gospel again. I came face-to-face with the true God - the one I had resisted for so long, and it blew me away.
The news is good, people....He has already won!
And there's NOTHING more dance-worthy than that!
No comments:
Post a Comment