For Just A Little While

Today was hard.

Today, my baby turned one month old.
I had planned to take some cutesy one month pictures, but he had other ideas. From about 2:30 AM until 9:00 PM, we had a day of fussiness. Maybe it's a growth spurt, maybe it's a transition - all I know, is that it was hard. Nothing soothed him for more than a few minutes. He did nap, but ONLY if I held him the entire time.
I didn't brush my teeth, wash my face, or eat a bit of food until daddy got home from work around 4:30 pm.

I was exhausted. I was hangry. I had cried almost as much as Andrew. All I wanted was a few hours of peace. And I knew I wasn't going to get them, because this baby was not one I could give back to his parents - he was mine. As much as I love him, that thought made me feel stuck, and that made me feel anxious, and that made me feel guilty. And all of those things just wore me out.

But daddy came home and I got to eat, drink some coffee, and brush my teeth. My nerves settled, and I found myself smitten at the sight of that still fussing baby once again.

Then, I realized something wonderful.
As I leaned on the couch near 11 pm, skin to skin, patting and soothing and finally - finally - starting to see Andrew settle into sleep on my chest, I realized it.

For just a little while, we get to be his whole world.

 In that moment, all he knew was the comfort of my body, the beat of my heart, the feel of my hand rubbing his back. All he knew was the sweet forces of parental love and safety.
I was exhausted, so he could sleep.
I was twisted into a strange position, so he could be comfortable.
I was in charge of meeting his every need, so he could just be.
For just a little while, I get to create his world. And that means that for just a little while, I can allow that world to be safe, to be only sweet.

Because all too soon, he'll be making his own way in the world, and my control will lessen. Try as I may, I won't be able to make his world all safe. I won't be able to keep him from suffering. I won't be able to meet his every need. The burden, then, will be to teach him to suffer well, amd point him to the only One who can do these things. But for just a little while, God has given me that task. For this little time, I get to be the one who represents God's provision and care in His life. For just a little while, he doesn't have to know the burdens of living in a broken world. Because for just a little while, I can take that for him.

Suddenly, my exhaustion felt more like a gift than a burden. I get to bear this, so he doesn't have to. This is only my privilege for a little while..

Already, the privilege has lessened. In pregnancy, I bore it all. My body groaned, ached, stretched, and pulled in order to accommodate and provide his every need. Then, in labor, I bore hours of pain, so he could arrive safely. In those moments, it was all on me. Now, it's still mostly on us, his parents, but now he has to cry, now he has a role to play in having his needs met. Already my role has decreased, because it only lasts for a little while.

So, sweet baby, I'll take it. I'll bear the exhaustion, the discomfort, and the worry. You just rest, you just be. You cry and I'll fix it. You smile and I'll encourage it. You scream, I'll hold you tighter... Because for just a little while, I get to bear your burdens.

And now, that little while, seems all too sweet and all too short. So, for the sleepless nights and exhausting days of new parenthood, hold on, mama, for just a little while.