It's been a crazy past couple of years.
I graduated college, got married, moved to New Orleans, started seminary, got my first full-time job...lots of big life events.
They've been amazing. Truly. It's been a wonderful ride. I have been blessed beyond blessing. I could count the blessings for days!
But in the midst of the blessing, it's also been hard.
It's not really that my present circumstances have been hard, rather that God has been dealing with me and some past hurts that have yet to heal.
You see, my tendency when things are hard or painful is to stuff them away in the back of my life and pretend they're not there. This works for a little while, but I'm finally learning that things WILL NOT just go away. The only way out of them is through them. That means feeling unpleasant feelings, facing unpleasant realities, and allowing them to hurt. That's no fun. But it's real.
And you wanna know something funny about marriage? It makes you realize who you are. Why? Because all the little justifications you allow yourself or all the feelings you ignore are noticed by your spouse. Suddenly you can't just dismiss an emotion, because your spouse sees it play across your face and asks you about it. Suddenly you have to explain the way you're thinking or feeling and saying it out loud makes you realize how off-base it is....then you have to face that.
It's a blessing, really, this oneness of marriage. It's a scary intimacy to have someone suddenly a part of the pieces of your thoughts and feelings that have always only been your's. It can be annoying, honestly, when all you want is to dismiss or push away any unpleasant feeling, but now someone else knows about it and that makes it "real." That makes you have to acknowledge it.
So what am I even talking about?
Well, I'm talking about the massive healing operation God embarked on with me this year. Long story short, I came to seminary quite burned-out on church. *Gasp* Burned out on church?!? I know I know...am I even allowed to say that? I'm going into the ministry with my husband! :)
But yes, I was. Senior year of college had many wonderful moments. It also had many difficult moments - specifically with ministry in mind. Some of it was due to circumstances beyond my control, but much of it was due to the legalistic mindset I had adopted.
Along my journey in college, I learned a LOT about seeking and serving God - and I took that knowledge and made it into rules. I had rules for me and everyone I knew. If we weren't living up to them, then shame on us! This caused me to be pretty judgmental of others at times, but I was never so harsh with anyone as I was myself. I gave myself no mercy, no room for imperfection. I knew better than what I was doing for goodness sake! What was my deal?!
So, you can imagine that coming to seminary seemed a very heavy load to me - more rules? I can't handle that! Thankfully, God placed some AMAZING people in our path here. People who quickly got to know me and minister to me in grace. People who didn't seem to be bound by rules, but seemed REALLY free. This started to wear at some of the callouses on my heart. Our first semester in seminary was so refreshing, so good, so much a breath of fresh air.
and of course....satan couldn't have that!
I believe God allowed satan to attack me spiritually, emotionally because I had some walls that needed breaking down.
Issues I thought were long ago dealt with came blaring into my life - wounds inflicted by people in my life, my parent's divorce, the fear I constantly struggled with as a result of losing my brother and knowing none of my loved ones were promised tomorrow, anger I didn't know I had, and an unhealthy mindset concerning food that manifested itself in various forms of disordered eating (whether that meant completely not eating or being addicted to food - I've done both) that I'd dealt with for years. Suddenly, these things were front and center and I was feeling all of it.
Soooooo I did what I always do - ran from it! At least I tried to....God didn't let me, though. I feel like He reached deep within me, pulled this junk out, and said, "Let's deal with this, because it's time for healing." It was rather miserable for awhile there. But God had a plan and a rescue mission was underway. He sent people to love on me, listen to me, pray for me, but I think the biggest thing He did was show me that none of those people could actually heal me. For that, I would have to go to Him.
I was afraid to go to Him, though. For so long I had "messed up" and "not kept the rules" that I was SURE He was disgusted with me. I had even begun to wonder if I was actually saved - actually His daughter. THAT is a miserable feeling.
Finally, He brought me to a point of being on my knees, confessing every sin I knew, including the eating disorder taking the role of an idol in my life. For the first time in a lonnnnnng time, I didn't try to "pretty it up" or justify the sins. I just laid them out there - agreeing with God that they were sins - acknowledging they were ugly - acknowledging that without Him, I was ugly. Then, I asked Him if I was indeed His daughter - even after all of my running and pushing Him away and messing up...Was I His?
He answered in that soul-speak way of His, so clearly I couldn't have missed it. He called me daughter. He called me His princess. Jesus covered all that dirty sinfulness and God called me daughter. I GOT TO BE HIS DAUGHTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Realizing that despite my ugliest moments, the truth of what Jesus did on the cross and His saving work in my life was still true for me and always would be -REALLY realizing that being God's daughter had NOTHING to do with my ability to be "good enough" changed so much about everything else I believed to be true. The hurt and anger I'd felt looked different now. The wounds didn't cut as deep. The eating disorder that had ruled my thought life for YEARS seemed so much smaller. In light of the cross, in light of the reality that because of Jesus's saving work, I got to be God's daughter - LOVED completely by Him....everything else seemed so much smaller. Hope flooded in where despair had been, Grace oozed into the places emptied by condemnation and judgement, Life took over the deadness that came from living under the rules and the "trying so hard", and Joy just moved in and camped out all over the place.
The reality of the cross changed all of my other realities.
JESUS changes everything. He really does. I've seen it with my own eyes. If you have never experienced this, my deepest prayer is that you will.
I've learned God is Good. GOOD enough to be better than the worst this world has to offer. Truly, completely, GOOD. all. the. time.
Now, this doesn't mean life is suddenly perfect. I still live in a fallen world with broken people (myself included). A 10-year eating disorder doesn't disappear overnight, and the reality is that I've had things in my life that HURT. Here's what God's been teaching me recently though - there's healing in thanking Him.
There's healing in looking for HIM in the midst of the hurts and struggles. There's SUCH hope and healing that comes from seeing something painful and looking for the way God has been GOOD despite it or in the midst of it. The song, "Bless the Lord" by Matt Redman speaks of the reality that no matter what's going on, there's still 10,000 reasons to bless the Lord at any given moment.
Josh and I heard a sermon by a church member, Joe McKeever, this past weekend in which he spoke on the truth found in Habbakuk 3:17-19
Though the fig tree should not blossom,
nor fruit be on the vines,
the produce of the olive fail
and the fields yield no food,
the flock be cut off from the fold
and there be no herd in the stalls,
yet I will rejoice in the Lord;
I will take joy in the God of my salvation.
God, the Lord, is my strength;
He makes my feet like the deer's;
He makes me tread on my high places.
Brother Joe spoke on the truth that no matter what's going on in life, we still have a God who loves us, who sent His Son to die for us, and because of His son's work on the cross, we can be declared righteous, so that we might have a relationship with HIM - our loving, all-powerful Father and Creator of the universe.
There's something healing in looking for that truth in life's worst circumstances. There's something healing in saying "Thank You" to our God for this reality, even when life's temporary circumstances aren't ideal. There's healing in the "Thank You."
Ann Voskamp's book, One Thousand Gifts speaks to this effect as well, as she chronicles her own journey of healing by making lists of things she's thankful for.
I started this practice as well, but have altered it slightly. My list is now 1,000 reasons to praise. This is causing me to not only be thankful for my temporary blessings, but causing me to look intensely for what God is up to in every circumstance. And when I can't seem to find Him in a situation, it's causing me to dig in His word for reasons to praise Him no matter what's going on.
So, I'm finding there's healing in the "Thank You"
because when you constantly search for the reasons to thank, you constantly find a God worth thanking.
